Posted by So my editor approaches me with an exciting new topic for my next article. “Top internet deaths” he tells me, all bright eyed and bushy-tailed. “Kinda morbid don’t you think?” I ask, which is about as close to “please don’t make me write this for the love of god!” as my non-confrontational, cowardly nature will allow. “Are you kidding? It’ll be hilarious.” Of course it will, human roadkill left on the side of the information superhighway; my sides are splitting already. I keep this sarcastic comment to myself of course, adding to the pile of suppressed emotions I will eventually release on some poor, unsuspecting soul in a hadoken of whiskey rage. I crack open the laptop, type “internet deaths and injuries” into Google, and let the comedy begin.
So here we go folks. What follows is a hysterical collection of internet suicides, homicides, organ failures and of course, everyone’s favourite, genital cannibalism.
Cyber-Homicide
Torture and kill me please.com
So you’re clicking through Craigslist, sipping your morning coffee when this personal ad comes across the screen: “SWF seeks strong single male to share long walks on the beach, dinners by candlelight, and if all goes well, to be brutally tortured until I’m dead.” Interested? Well in 1996 one Robert Frederick Glass, a computer analyst from North Carolina, hit the jackpot when he discovered Sharon Rina Lopatka’s request for just that. When two people have a triad of names they are meant for each other. The 35-year-old woman from Maryland was desperately seeking someone to follow through with her deepest desire to be tortured and killed, a service which Glass was happy to provide. Glass was convicted with voluntary manslaughter for strangling Lopatka to death, in one of the first cases of consensual homicide over the internet.
Eat my balls.com
This next case takes the age-old expression “Dude, WTF is wrong with German people?” to another level. Bernd Jürgen Brandes was parusing the web pages of The Cannibal Café, as you do, when he came across this ad: “looking for a well-built 18 to 30-year-old to be slaughtered and then consumed.” Finally! He must have thought, as he made his way over to Armin Meiwes’ place for dinner, a dinner where he was to become the main course What took place on that March night in 2001 can only be described as THE MOST HORRYFING AND TWISTED SHIT I HAVE EVER READ ABOUT IN MY ENTIRE F$*%ING LIFE. Despite my desire to cry while projectile vomiting into my keyboard, only the words of my editor echoing in my brain, “It’ll be hilarious,” kept me going.
I’ve created this menu to help paint a picture of the soiree, which would later earn Meiwes the cute nickname of “The Rotenburg Cannibal,” without going into too much detail. The only problem is we’ve left the aforementioned “details” to your imagination, which will probably make things much, much worse.
Meiwes’ Menu
Appetizers
1. Severed German Sausage for 2
2. Sausage sautéed with salt, pepper, and garlic
3. Burnt sausage for the family dog
Main Course
1. 20 kg of Frozen Limb Leftovers, to be Micro waved and Enjoyed Over 10 Months
For those who want the full story (for the love of all that is good in this world, don’t do it!) read here.
Amidst the stabbing, the bleeding, the eating and the dying, there is one truly funny moment I would like to share. While Brandes was hopped up on booze and painkillers, bleeding to death in a bathtub while Sparky the dog ate his sautéed wiener, Meiwes was sitting nearby reading a book about Star Trek. Let it sink in…Oh yeah, and one more thing. Meiwes is presently serving a life sentence in prison, where he has since become a vegetarian.
Beware the slave master.com
John Edward Robinson, who was once a Boy Scout from Cicero, Illinois, grew up tall and strong to become the first internet serial killer. Using his computer he would get in touch with women through chat rooms under the user name “The Slave Master.” Over the next five years some of the women he would meet for sex, or for false job opportunities he would advertise on the net, disappeared. Some of their bodies were discovered by police on his farm in Kansas, and Robinson would eventually be convicted for the murders of eight women. He is currently in prison with nothing but the death penalty to look forward to. Hilarious!
Video Game-ocide
Game till you drop.com
Have videogames become that good, or has reality become that crappy? Whatever the case, for a few unfortunate souls, the human body simply couldn’t keep up with the virtual lives they created for themselves through their MMORPGs (short for Emm Emm Oh Are Pee Gees).
- Lee Seung Seop, who’s addiction to Starcraft had already cost him his girlfriend and his job, dropped dead after playing for 50 hours straight in an internet cafe. He would have needed a diaper just like the slot junkies in Vegas casinos, only he never stopped to eat or drink anything. The police estimated that the 28-year-old South Korean’s heart simply gave out from exhaustion.
Game till other people drop.com
- World of Warcraft was the drug of choice for the South Korean couple who left their 4-month-old daughter at home unsupervised while they played for four hours at a nearby internet café. As they smashed virtual skulls with their virtual war hammers, their real-life baby suffocated and died before they returned. During an interview that I made up Joe Pesci refused to appear in the theatrical re-enactment of the tragedy entitled “Home Alone 3.”
Punchline-ocide
Who’s laughing now.com
Martin Cassidy, a well-known and well-liked British comedian from Blackburn died from…wait for it… inhaling too much laughing gas while watching internet porn.
RIP Martin. Died with a smile on his face and a pile of wood in his knickers. While this was allegedly an accident, if you had to go, could you think of any better way? HaFapHaFapHaFap_________.
Suicide
They double-dog dared me.com
During an online chatroom session at PalTalk, 42-year-old engineer Kevin Whitrick engineered a gallows and hung himself to death for all to see. Whitrick’s death was the first internet suicide broadcast via webcam. When he voiced his intentions to members of the chatroom, many thought he was bluffing and began to egg him on. One user actually watched him stand on a chair, punch a hole in the ceiling, toss a rope over a joist and around his neck and said “’F***ing do it, get on with it, get it round your neck. For F***’s sake he can’t even do this properly’” It wasn’t until Whitrick stepped off the chair and turned blue that people realized he wasn’t f***ing around. The chatroom wasn’t completely filled with a**holes, however, as many people called 9-1-1 and tried to talk him out of it.
Mass Suicide
Are you thinking what I’m thinking.com
Most notably in Japan, there has been a rise in the number of deaths as a result of Cybersuicide pacts. A suicide pact is when a small group of people agree to end their lives together. The first recorded case of a suicide pact organized over the internet occurred in October 2000 in Japan. Over the course of the next five years, and estimated total of 175 people commit suicide as part of online pacts.
Less than two years ago Hiroshi Maeue, a 38-year-old Japanese man was sentenced to death, for arranging multiple Cybersuicide Pacts. The reason he was still alive when he got caught was due to the fact that he would trick victims into committing suicide with him, and when they would arrive on location he would turn around and murder them. This manoever is known as “The Ultimate Psyche!” Three people were killed by Maeue in this manner, all of which was filmed by the man doomed to share the same fate as his victims.
So there you have it folks. I hope that while reading this you laughed as hard as I did while writing it. My fireballs are charged and I’m off to drink some whiskey now.
