Posted by If any of you have been in a serious relationship during the last few years, for the love of baby Jesus, stay in it! It doesn’t matter how much you’d like to stick your significant other’s head in the microwave on HIGH for 8-10 minutes, it can’t be worse than what the dating scene has become. I made the huge mistake of putting myself back on the market about a year ago, only to discover that the market has been replaced with a freakapalooza. Between Facebook, online dating, MSN and text messaging, the way singles communicate, meet new people and form relationships has transformed into something that I can only describe as “Aliens making out with Predators.” It’s ugly, dangerous, and likely to leave both parties plotting to hunt down and destroy each other until the end of time. The following is part one of a two part series on being single in today’s tech-crazed world, it contains the harrowing tale of my most recent dating experience, and why I spent most of it fearing for my life. 
First Dates Have Undergone a Facebook-lift
Before I get into what I like call “The Haunting,” I do have a few positive things to say about Facebook and first dates. Thanks to Facebook, the days of blind dating are over. Since most of my coupled friends find it impossible to believe that anyone could be single and happy, they are constantly trying to hook me up. Which to be honest, I don’t really mind. I love eating, drinking, and going to movies, so blind dates give me excuses to wine, dine and watch all the romantic comedies I would eventually have to rent by myself in secret. They also give me a chance to dust off all my A-jokes and A-stories. The only problem is that I can usually tell within the first five minutes whether or not I want to ever see this person again. I am either immediately attracted, to someone or I’m not, which can make for a long and excruciating evening if I’m not. Follow them beauty tips ladies! So now, whenever friends tell me they’ve got this great girl they want me to meet, they usually follow it up with “you can check out their pic on Facebook.” This process has saved me a lot of time, money, and awkward excuses as to why I’m “busy” for the next forty-seven weeks.
Let the creepy begin…
I met this girl after performing a comedy show. She was sweet, funny, and had a smile that distracted me while on stage. As we chatted I thought I was making all the right moves, saying all the right things, making her laugh at all the right moments (right as she was sipping her drink), but in the end she hit me with the “I’ve had a great time. We should hook up at some point, here’s my email address.” Her email address? We just spent forty-five minutes talking face-to-face, but when it came down to getting in touch with her, she would rather read from me in New Times Roman. Not a good sign.
The very next day however, she requested to be added as a friend on Facebook. She wouldn’t give me her phone number, but now I’m supposed to accept her as a “friend.” But what am I supposed to do? Hit Ignore? That would end things right quick, so despite my reluctance, I let her in. It felt wrong immediately. We’ve only met once and I already feel like she was encroaching on my privacy, checking every photo, judging every comment, speculating about every lady I’m friends with. We haven’t even kissed yet and I feel like I have to start “behaving” in Facebook land.
A week goes by and I send her an email, setting up our first date. And although I admit it was much easier than making that dreaded first phone call, complete with sweaty palms, racing heart and the countdown from 10 before you hit “dial,” asking a girl out via Hotmail was anything but hot. Less than an hour later, she’s requesting to be added to my MSN contact list.
For someone who wouldn’t give me her phone number, she was certainly interested in communicating. I’d be at work and I couldn’t go five minutes without her name flashing orange at the bottom of my screen. And heaven forbid I went more than two minutes without responding to her messages, suddenly my whole screen would vibrate from her impatient “nudges.” Apparently “Sorry, would love to chat but I’m at work” held no value to her, as her response to my email reeked of passive aggression, with remarks like “just try not to ignore me at dinner like you do on MSN.” She told me later that she was only joking, but I saw right through her lols and her semi-colon brackets. I always “appear offline” now on MSN.
The Date
It’s very difficult for me to capture the full date experience in this article, so I’ve tried to recreate the highlights of the conversation, with all the comments and questions that would never have occurred without Facebook, and had she just given me her damn digits to begin with. We were having drinks and dinner at an Irish pub.
Her: “Are you dating Kim?”
Me: “Who’s Kim?”
Her: “The girl hugging you on St-Patrick’s day?”
Me (becoming concerned): “What?”
Her: “From the Facebook picture.”
Me (clutching chest): “Oh, right, of course. No, she’s my ex.”
Her: “Do you and your ex still see each other?”
Me: “Umm, sometimes. Why?”
Her (fondling the butter knife): “Just curious.”
Me: “So I was at this bachelor party….”
Her: “Do you mean Alex’s bachelor party?”
Me: “Uhh, yes, actually, how the heck did you know that?”
Her: “Facebook photos. You have an album marked ‘Alex’s bachelor party.”
Me: “Oh right, Facebook.”
Her: “So what’s with you getting slapped in the face with the fish?”
Me: “How do you know about that?”
Her: “I Youtubed you.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to take that down.”
Her: “So what type of voice acting do you do?”
Me (scanning the room for exits): “How…..”
Her: “I Googled you.”
Her: “So how did you get started in comedy?”
Me: “Well, it all started at this Just for Laughs VIP party where I…..”
Her (interrupting): “….where you were picking up empty beer bottles and changing the ashtrays for all the visiting comedians, agents, and industry whozzits. And after spilling a tray of leftover cosmopolitans all over yourself, you swore that by the following year you’d attend that party as a performer, and you were on stage for the first time two weeks later?”
Me: ………….
Her: “I read your MySpace profile.”
Me: “Jesus.”
Needless to say, the date ended awkwardly. The funny thing is, without her phone number I never had to call her to say that I’ll be busy for the next 47 weeks.
She must spent hours researching you?
