Posted by Sixty-five: This was the age of retirement selected by Otto von Bismark, the “Iron Chancellor” of Germany during the late 1800s. As his nickname suggests, he did not pick this number to soften the hearts of the German workforce. He picked it because by sixty-five the average German worker would be dead. When the United States followed suit in 1935, the average life expectancy for the working American man was only 61.7 years. Times have changed.
Thanks to advancements in medicine, the dwindling popularity of smoking and a general emphasis on staying as fit and healthy as possible, men now have 77.6 years of life to look forward to. And as more and more men gear their lives towards early retirement, they potentially gain two extra decades to roam this earth, pockets full of cash and all the time in the world. They should be careful, however, as many men who retire from their jobs retire from life as well, pulling their plaid pants up to their nipples, complaining that their shuffle board scores are too low, their apple sauce too sweet.
The following is a guide for men on how to remain men after retirement. Just because you’re older, doesn’t mean you’re too old. Just because you’re weaker, doesn’t mean you’re weak. And just because you no longer have teeth, doesn’t mean you can’t eat steak. Don’t become the man who retires and suddenly has nothing to do, become the man who retires and doesn’t understand how he ever had time for a job.
Men Who Maintained Their Manhood After Retirement
Aside from the fact that when he was working he was a mechanical engineer, an Air Force Pilot, AND a freaking moon-walking astronaut, there is almost no better example than Buzz Aldrin for men who’ve maintained their manliness well after retirement. He has since written two autobiographies; he’s appeared on “Dancing With the Stars,” gracing the dance floor with a bombshell who was only born 30 years after he retired; he recorded a rap song featuring Snoop Dog, Quincy Jones, Talib Kweli and Soulja Boy; he played himself on “The Simpsons”; AND (hopefully one day you’ll earn two fully capitalized “ands” in your bio) he punched an annoying filmmaker in the face.
If Buzz Aldrin fails to light the fire under your saddle, take inspiration from men who refused to retire. Pop “Grand Turino” into the old DVD player and take notes. Watch Jack Palance’s acceptance speech during the 1992 Academy Awards, where the 73 year-old dropped to the floor (wait for it) to deliver a set of one-armed push ups! “As far as the two-handed push ups are concerned, you can do those all night! And it doesn’t make a difference whether she’s there or not.” Rest in peace you tough son of a bitch.
Ways to Maintain Your Manhood After Retirement
The men highlighted above are merely super high-profile examples of what is possible.
The actual nuts and bolts of maintaining your manliness after hanging up your stethoscope, chainsaw (NEVER hang up your chainsaw), laptop – or whatever implement you use to take care of business – aren’t too difficult to manage. The following are just a few ideas to get you started.
Get Your Pilot’s License
“I’m a pilot” is easily one of the manliest sentences in the English language, right up there with “This is where the shark bit me before I punched it.” In fact, whether you’re in the military or a civilian, a pilot, an aviator or simply working as an aircrew, once you’re in the flying field you can officially call yourself: an Airman. With no age restriction on learning how to fly, all one needs is plenty of spare time, and a little money to throw around.
According to the Federal Aviation Administration, the first step to becoming a pilot is choosing what you want to fly. According to me, the second step to becoming a manly pilot is choosing a vehicle made of metal like a plane or a helicopter, as opposed to one made of fabric, like a hand glider or a hot air balloon. Once you’ve picked your plane and found a school (most airports offer pilot training), you are 35 training hours away from obtaining your private pilot certificate from an FAA-approved school.
So get off the couch and into the cockpit, ‘cause nothing exudes manliness like “Hey honey, wanna fly to New York for dinner?”
Become an Old Ninja
Joint fluidity, tendon flexibility, balance, muscle strength and overall mobility are not only crucial for maintaining a healthy body at any age, but they are qualities which can transform that rickety frame of yours into a lean, teenager-on-your-grass kicking machine. It’s never too late to learn a martial art, as they all have beginner levels, and you can develop at your own pace. If you want to avoid the more contact-heavy courses you can gain much strength, flexibility, and peace of mind from arts like Tai Chi, as well as from non-martial art exercises like Yoga. Don’t think Yoga is manly? Tell it to Hugh Jackman, the man behind Wolverine.
Don’t Dress Like a Fogie
Women love a well dressed man. Period. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Just because you no longer have to wear your monkey suit from Monday to Friday, doesn’t mean it’s time to go jogging suit shopping. You should never lose track of what is fashionable and what reeks of old-fart. When you go clothes shopping, avoid anything with the words “corduroy,” “tweed,” “turtle neck” and “elbow patches”
Learn to Play an Instrument
Traditionally, picking up the guitar or joining a band is a rite of passage that occurs during a man’s youth. Before becoming jaded and having to deal with the day-to-day responsibilities of adult life, many guys cling to the sincere belief that they will one day “make it” in the world of music. Being older and wiser actually puts you in a far better position when it comes to appreciating music and truly enjoying yourself. You’re more relaxed. You’ve hopefully already lived your life to its fullest, so you’ll be learning how to play the guitar, the piano, or the drums for the pure joy of it. It’s easy to feel as if it’s too late to get good at something like the guitar, but look at it this way: If you practiced for 1 hour everyday for the next year, you could easily play just about any song at a campfire for your grandkids, making you the coolest granddaddy ever. All three of my uncles are approaching retirement and all three of them are still in bands. They tell me the adrenaline rush from getting up on stage and performing live keeps them feeling young, and that women of all ages love the man who takes the stage and makes them dance.
The time has come to change the stereotype of the retired old grump, watching his golden years slip from his stool at the local donut shop, with that of the wise hardened man with the twinkle in his eye, surfboard under his arm. Be the grandpa that the grandkids look up to and talk about to their friends. Have sex stories that need to be censored with a giant blue Viagra pill. Grab your post retirement life by the horns, literally if you have to, so that when you are finally dead and buried, you’re gravestone will read “He died doing what he loved: Bullfighting.”
