Posted by Amidst these turbulent economic times, our diets are often at the mercy of our shrunken wallets. We try to make cutbacks at the grocery store, pinching pennies by replacing name brands with no-name brands, ham with spam, and real cheese with spray cheese. But why should our taste buds suffer, just because we can no longer afford to bring home the delicious bacon? Are we to become vegetarians, simply because a head of lettuce is cheaper than the head of a delicious mammal? Heck no! And with summer right around the corner, it would be a damn shame, a DAMN SHAME to watch your barbecue just sitting there, lid closed, without a single flame to make the beef patties go ‘tsssszzzzz.’ Well folks, you need to look no further than your own backyard for the solution to this culinary problem. As creatures slither through your grass, make homes in your chimney, or run along your telephone wires, you can transform your backyard into an all-you-can-eat buffet. And the best part is that it’s free! The following is a guide on how to capture, clean, and prepare your garden-grub for the grill. Check out these meal ideas!
Squirrel-Kebabs
What You’ll Need:
1-2 squirrels per person. Preferably female, as the males have a strong and gamey taste. And the younger the better, the longer they’ve had the chance to be squirrelly, the tougher the meat.
Sharp knife
Metal skewers
Red/green pepper
Onion
Mushrooms
Peanuts (for bait)
Sling shot/pellet gun/shovel (the shovel will only work if you have the reflexes of a ninja on Redbull)
Chef’s hat
Once you’ve lured your squirrel to a spot where he feels safe to eat the peanuts, have at ‘em. If you’re using a pellet gun or a sling shot, try not to hit the abdomen, as you might rupture one of the squirrel’s glands which will spoil the meat with funky musk.
Skinning the squirrel can be tough, and there’s nothing worse than getting hairs in your mouth while you’re eating. One trick is to slosh the squirrel around in a water bucket, so all the hair sticks together. Okay, here comes the tough part (not for the faint at heart)…with your sharp knife, make a slit along the hide beneath and at the base of the tail (oh God this is terrible I’m so sorry little squirrel!). Cut through the tail, but leave it attached to the back skin (Good Lord I can’t take this, there’s blood everywhere!). Cut an inch or so further up the back and extend the cut along the squirrel’s flanks. With these cuts made, step on the tail and pull on the hindlegs (Christ forgive me! I just peeled an innocent squirrel like a banana, I’ll never sleep soundly again!). This will strip the back and belly skin down to the forelegs. Pull the skin over the forelegs and hindlegs, then cut off the head and feet with a knife (Face buried in blood-stained hands, crying like a baby).
Once you’ve recovered from the shock and horror of skinning your first animal, you can remove the glands and the internal organs. Squirrel meat is fairly tough, so you’ll want to boil the carcass in seasoned water for 20-30 minutes, or until the meat begins to come off the bone. Place the squirrel in your bowl of barbecue marinade and let soak for another hour. Now your squirrel is ready for the grill. Simply skewer the slices of peppers, onions, mushrooms, and marinated meat and KAPOW! Sweet, sweet squirrel kebabs.
A Marvelous Barbecue Marinade
1½ cup Ketchup
1 Can beer
1 Jar of jalapeno salsa
1 cup Tomatoes and chiles
½ cup Butter
½ cup Vinegar
¼ cup Worcestershire sauce
1 Lemon; thinly sliced
⅓ cup Prepared mustard
Pepper
Chili powder
Garlic salt
Salt
1 Can of jalapeno peppers
Note: If you can’t bring yourself to skin and gut the squirrel yourself, there are certain butchers who can send you vacuum-sealed squirrels in the mail, already prepared.
Snake Sizzler
After dealing with the squirrel you will either be ready to move on to other animals, or you will need to seek out a hypnotherapist to mentally ‘erase’ the whole experience. But again, in these tough economic times, 10 jager-bombs will probably do the trick for a fraction of the price. But for those who can go on, let’s talk about snakes. Snakes are a rare find in the backyard but are much easier to capture than squirrels. You can use the shovel for this one. Then using your sharp knife, a large cleaver, or a pair of hedge shears, off with its head! Even if the snake was venomous, you needn’t worry about the meat, as the venom is contained in glands behind the snake’s jaw bone, which is of course contained in the head you so elegantly lopped off. Now the real fun begins.
You’ll want to locate the snake’s brown exit, better know in the snaking community as the “anal vent,” which can be found several inches above the tail on the belly side. Without making any lame Greek jokes, insert your knife into the anal vent and proceed to slice open the stomach, making your way to the head. You’ll need to cut through a lot of stringy connective tissue to remove the skin, but once this is done you’re pretty much home free. The guts you can pretty much scoop out with a spoon, and you can then toss the innards onto your lawn, a trick which will invariably attract your next backyard meal.
Snake is a cross between chicken and fish in texture and flavor, so you can prepare it for the grill using any one of your favorite chicken or fish recipes. A simple rub made with salt, pepper, garlic, and Montreal Chicken Spice, will help your snake taste awesome. On a medium-high heat, the snake should take anywhere from 8-16 minutes to cook, depending on the size. Feel free to brush the little fella with barbecue sauce while it sizzles. You can tell if your snake is cooked when you can peel the little fibers off the meat.
Frogs Legs
All you need to capture some backyard frogs is a child armed with two hands and a jar. Catching this meal can be fun for the whole family, and you’ll be teaching your children the value of hunting and providing at a young age. Before you send your kids into the “wild,” make sure they know not to come home until they’ve caught at least 3 frogs per family member. Frog’s legs are tiny and not very filling, so you’ll want to prepare a lot of rice and veggies for your side dishes.
Using a sharp knife, simply cut off the frog’s legs, and peel off the skin using a pair of pliers (or your teeth if you’re in a “watch the kids scream and cry” kinda mood). Coat the legs with:
olive oil
lemon juice
garlic
sea salt
pepper
parsley
mustard
1 can of beer
Marinate the legs for about 3 hours then skewer them. Once the grill is hot and ready, throw those bad boys on for approximately 3 minutes per side. Frogtastic!
Don’t let a shriveled economy shrivel your pride and your belly. Join the ranks of your ancestors who had to hunt and kill to eat their food. Okay so maybe they were hunting slightly larger game than squirrels and pigeons, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Just be careful, the same can be said about serial killing, and you don’t want to become one of those. Or do you?
Let that plot thicken over medium heat for 2-3 hours….delicious.
Rib of Rocky Raccoon
To many the raccoon is the “cutest” of the backyard critters. But to anyone who’s received a rabies shot after being bitten by one, or to anyone who’s woken up to discover a week’s worth or trash, dirty diapers and all, strewn about the driveway, a little smile will spread across your face when the little masked trash-burglar hits the grill. Gideon’s Bible can’t save the little @$$hole now. Provided you aren’t the newest victim on “When animals attack” you can move onto the next step. See the squirrel section on how to skin and clean the raccoon, again being very careful to remove the musk glands without damaging them. Feel free to wear the skin as a hat while cooking the meat.
Cut the meat into serving pieces. Place in a large pan with:
1 cup red wine
2 onions, sliced
3 bay leaves
1 tablespoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper
3 cloves garlic, sliced
Add water and bring to a boil, then cover and simmer for 1 hour. Now the meat is tender and delicious, ready to be painted with your favorite bbq sauce and tossed on the fire. Who’s laughing now you garbage-eating $%&! disturber?
Pigeon Patties
Now that you into the swing of things, not even animals blessed with the gift of flight are safe from your backyard barbecue bonanza. So without wasting anymore words on how to kill, clean and cook a pigeon, simply sit back and watch this badass birdman go to work. This dude deserves a high-five for his slingshot skills.
