Posted by On a rainy Sunday afternoon, my girlfriend and I decided to pop in a movie. We both wanted to broaden the other’s horizons with a movie we’ve never seen before; I wanted her to see True Romance, she wanted me to see Mean Girls. Despite my best efforts, trying to win her over by saying things like “Quenten Tarantino, Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Dennis Hopper, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Walken, Bronson Pinchot, Michael Rapaport, Brad Pitt, James Gandolfini, Chris Penn, Tom Sizemore, Gary Oleman as a Rastafarian pimp and Val Kilmer as Elvis,” she was having none of it. She accused my movie of “sounding too violent,” which was odd, because if we’re going by titles alone, hers seems like the more violent choice. So we watched Mean Girls, and I have to say it was surprisingly funny! But I also have to say “sad” at the same time. While True Romance is riddled with crime, the sexy star of Mean Girls is going to jail in real life. Oh Lindsay! Why? Why did you have to get so caught up in the booze and the drugs, destroying your reputation, your future and not to mention that beautiful body of yours? You had so much promise, now there are photos of you looking like Gollum!
Truth is there have been plenty of gorgeous women who’ve broken the law, and it gives us great pride to present our list of the hottest criminals we wish we could have cuffed ourselves.
Lindsay Lohan
Crime: Two DUIs in 2007. Multiple probation violations in 2010.
Sentence: 90 days in jail with rehabilitation.
Carmen Electra
Crime: Trying to beat up Dennis Rodman.
Sentence: $2,500 fine and a restraining order.
Yasmine Bleeth
Crime: Cocaine possession and DUI.
Sentence: 100 hours of community service and two years of probation.
Naomi Campbell
Crime: In 2000 she assaulted her assistant with a hotel telephone. In 2005 she slapped her assistant with a Blackberry. In 2006 she attacked her housekeeper with a jewel-encrusted mobile phone. She beat up a few more people in 2008 and 2009 including her limo driver and a police officer (perhaps waiting for them atop a hunting tree stand armed with cell phones in each hand, ready for grenade launch) and this year she’s being questioned as a possible war criminal, having allegedly accepted a blood diamond from a Liberian Warlord. When asked about it during an interview with ABC, she assaulted the camera.
Sentence: Hundreds of hours of community service, hundreds of dollars in medical bills, anger management courses, and she is banned from flying with British Airways.
Paris Hilton
Crime: Being disgustingly rich and famous while not contributing a single thing towards the betterment of humankind. Releasing a lousy sex tape. Oh, and repeatedly violating her 2006 DUI probation.
Sentence: Probation and a $1,500 fine for the DUI, 45 days in jail for the violations.
Nicole Richie
Crime: Possession of drugs, driving with a suspended license, DUI, and driving her Mercedes onto a freeway exit ramp in the wrong direction.
Sentence: 4 days in jail, of which she served only 82 minutes.
Heather Locklear
Crime: Okay, we’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with dee you eye.
Sentence: 3 years of probation and $700 fine.
Winona Ryder
Crime: Stealing our hearts in Edward Scissorhands, and stealing $5,500 worth of clothing and accessories from Saks Fifth Avenue department store.
Sentence: Over $10,000 in fines and restitution to Saks, 480 hours of community service, 3 years of probation, and psychological and drug counseling.
Kim Delaney
Crime: You know, if it wasn’t for all these DUIs, there would only be two names on this list!
Sentence: $300 fine, two years of probation.
Mischa Barton
Crime: Arrested for DUI, possession of marijuana and driving without a valid driver’s license. The drug possession charge was dropped.
Sentence: After paying $10,000 to get out of jail, she was sentenced to community service and a small fine.
Laura Zúñiga
Crime: Finally, a cool crime! This Mexican model and beauty queen was arrested along with her boyfriend, Ángel Orlando García Urquiza, an alleged leader of the Juárez Cartel, a Mexican drug cartel. His seven goons were captured by the Mexican military with illegal guns and over $50, 000 in cold hard cash.
Sentence: She was released from a detention center when no evidence could be found linking her to the crimes, but the Miss Mexico crown she had won at a pageant in 2009 was taken away from her.
Debra Jean Beasley( formerly Debra Lafave)
Crime: Showing a 14-year old student the time of his life and welcoming him to the wild world of manhood. Or as the state of Florida called it, statutory rape.
Sentence: 3 years of house arrest with 7 years of probation.
“You know that 14-year old kid from Florida who had sex with his English teacher? Well he died this morning…from hi-fiving.”
- Zach Galifiankis
