Posted by I’ve never been much of a “porn with a plot” kinda guy. I don’t care who “ordered the extra pepperoni” or “needs to get their toilet plunged,” just get on with it already. The “scripts” are so cheese-filled and the “acting” is so brutal that I can’t enjoy the naked stuff. I get so turned off by hearing these people speak that by the time they start doing each other I’ve already zipped up and left the building (which makes things interesting when my roommate comes home to an empty apartment and Nasty Nymphos 7 is playing on the flat screen). The following is a list of films that have gone above and beyond the boring damsel in distress meets Mr. Fix-It porn plots. With actual budgets these productions use makeup, costumes, special effects and hilarious titles to recreate some of your favorite Hollywood films, porno style!
This Ain’t Avatar XXX
It was only a matter of time before the porn industry jumped on the 3D bandwagon, with Hustler completing its production of This Ain’t Avatar XXX, a parody of the James Cameron sci-fi sensation. Not very creative with their titles, last year they made their own version of J.J.Abrams’ latest edition to the Roddenberry franchise called This Ain’t Star Trek XXX. Hustler’s latest project is the most expensive adult film ever created and will be released this fall on Blu-ray in 3D. It features porn stars in full Na’vi makeup, who will certainly be wrapping more than their pony tails around each other in exotic and erotic locations.
This of course isn’t the first time someone has made an adult version of Cameron’s work, as was the case with 2001’s Titanic Tits. It’s also not the first film to bring the hot action in 3D. Earlier this year, James Bone added his third dimension to the film that needed no name change, Octopussy 3D.
Clockwork Orgy
No male pervert is safe with little Alex and her gang of vicious yet sexy ladies roaming the streets.
For all you Stanley Kubrick/70s porno fans out there, be sure to check out 2069: A Sex Odyssey, where “a mission of survival turns into an orgy of interplanetary love.”
Privates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Hole
Not sure if this one even exists, but it made the list for “Jenna Jameson as Johnny Depp”
Whore of the Rings (2001)
Instead of making you invisible while simultaneously drawing the attention of Lord Sauron and his nine ringwraiths, the ring from this flick turns the bearer into an insatiable nymphomaniac and a horrible, horrible actor. Horny dwarfs and tree blowjobs make Whore of the Rings a hilarious journey into the bumhole of Middle Earth.
The Big Lebowski XXX (2010)
Zero creativity on the name, but they get full points for staying as true to the original script as possible.
Edward Penishands (1991)
Easily my favorite porn title, right up there with “Schindler’s Fist”, comes the tale of a young Goth with two giant penises for hands. A door-to-door dildo saleswoman finds him, recognizes his potential for pleasure and brings him home. His maker certainly had a twisted sense of humour, but had he not died before finishing his ultimate creation, the world would have been extremely bored with Edward Hands Hands. So while young Edward was terrible at giving haircuts, there were many other ways he could keep the neighborhood ladies giggling.
Porn Wars: Episode I
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the trailer to the sexiest Star Wars parody ever filmed.
It is at this point I would love for you to share some of your favorite Hollywood porn parody titles in the comments section.
