Posted by You’re standing around in a forest just minding your own business when, out of nowhere, a giant muscle-bound, toothy creature with claws the size of sharpened bananas enters your personal space (which is a square acre in the woods). What do you do? What have other unsuspecting humans done when they faced their furry foes?
It should be noted that throughout history the majority of humans attacked by animals have died horribly. There are, however, a select few who have overcome the odds and headbutted their way to success. The time may likely never come when you’re forced to defend yourself against a wild animal but it doesn’t hurt to be aware of what to do if an escaped leopard attacks you at the gym while you’re on a stairmaster.
Know thy enemy
I believe it was G.I. Joe who said “Knowing is half the battle.” This applies to every aspect of life and not just in the endless fight against the evil forces of Cobra. The only problem with this famous expression is that while knowledge is indeed half the battle, you’re still left with the other half, which happens to be the actual battle. If ever you find yourself with no other option than having to go toe-to-toe with a large animal, you’ll want to know their strengths and weaknesses. You should remember that whether they be large angry mammals like bears and lions or large angry shark monsters, they all share physical weaknesses which can be exploited to your advantage.
Common Physical Weak Points
• Nose/snout
• Eyes
• Neck
• Testicles
• Inside Leg
Hammer fists to the nose have been known to repel sharks, dogs, large cats, while gouging out the eyes with your thumbs is always an extremely effective option. Knees and kicks to the family jewels cause a great deal of pain, but in the case of a female attack, you’d be better off attacking the throat if you want to avoid getting eaten like a carrot pineapple cake.
Common Psychological Weak Points
• Loud Noises
• Aggressive Behavior
• Appearance of Size
For the most part, screaming and waving your hands around will be enough to get any animal to think “WTF?” But it doesn’t hurt to be creative (Actually, it probably does.) For instance, I would carry around a pack of firecrackers and throw them at the offending animal. I would also take off my jacket and wave it around a bit. If I’m going to die anyway, may as well not be in a purple nylon jacket.
If scaring them doesn’t work then you have two options: Running or fighting. It should be noted that animals are better at running and fighting than humans so don’t expect things to end well. If no one is around to help you then you need to decide your approach quickly. It’s best to stick with what you know. If you’re better a fighter than a runner, then fight. If you’re a better runner than a fighter, then run. Sounds easier than it is, but if you’re fighting, fight back with everything you have. All too often during animal attacks people give up and pity themselves before the fight is over.
If you have any sharp objects or weapons then it’s suggested you use them. If you have nothing that can be improvised into a weapon, then grab a stick or log. Strike at its weak points, continue to yell and make erratic movements. At the very least you’ll leave this world the same way you came in: kicking and screaming.
One thing to also remember, when humans are at the brink of death, very often they will literally piss themselves. This is an evolutionary defense mechanism. When humans are in the death jaws of a larger animal, they will automatically urinate themselves, giving their predators the impression that their meat is rotten, and will hopefully be released.
Now onto something a little less negative: The hideously deformed survivors of animal attacks.
Survivors
Gene Moe
A 69 year old man who stabbed a bear 3 times while pinned and having his arm ripped off.
Nell Hamm
Nell Hamm stabbed a cougar in the eye with a ball-point pen to stop her husband from being mauled. The man survived and the cougar was blind in one eye for the rest of its life which was only 3 hours since police officers found and killed the cougar.
Michael Fay
Michael Fay was attacked by a raging elephant. He grabbed onto the elephant’s tusk and held on for the ride to avoid being trampled.
Insane Polar Bear Woman
A woman jumped into a polar bear enclosure during feeding time at a zoo in Germany. Not surprisingly a vicious mauling ensued and her dumb ass had to be pulled out. Darwin was heard spinning in his grave.
Kootoo Shaw
Kootoo Shaw was being eaten alive in his tent by a polar bear before an armed bystander shot the bear to death. Kootoo survived but his injuries are some of the worst you can come by. I’ll furnish you with a link to the images but keep in mind they are incredibly graphic. (read:awesome)
