I blame the fact that North America is still a young continent when compared to the rest of the world, so we’re still trying to figure things out. Despite what you might find on YouPorn, slapping a girl in the face with your meat hammer while firing your gooey tadpoles up her nose is not the path to sexual enlightenment. There are things we can learn from ancient civilizations in places like India, Asia, and apparently Poland. The following are just a few tips we can learn to enhance our sex lives, to increase the intensity of our orgasms, and how to crank our partner’s pleasure meters up to an 11.

Tantra

Born in India over 6,000 years ago and spread throughout East and Southeast Asia, Tantra’s purpose is to “achieve complete control of oneself, and of all the forces of nature, in order to attain union with the cosmos and with the divine.” The word itself means “to manifest, to expand, to show and to weave”, and when taken in a sexual context Tantra can expand your consciousness while weaving the vast differences between men and women into a harmonious unit. It’s also a path towards killer orgasms.

-Tantric sex starts way before the two of you are naked in the laundry room sticking tongues down each others’ throats. It starts with sharing moments of intimacy on a regular basis. This can be as simple as listening to music together, reading poetry to each other, communicating your loves and desires with each other. Intimacy is not something that just happens between two people, it needs to be nurtured.

- In Tantra there is no defined beginning or end, just an endless circle of sexual harmonization, which before any physical contact is established, starts with the harmonization of breath. One method to achieve this is to sit cross-legged across from your partner, dressed or buck, and without touching or talking just stare into each others’ eyes while synchronizing your inhales and exhales. This will be super awkward at first, especially if you’re nude, but the more you do this the more comfortable you will become, and the closer you will feel with your partner. The goal is to sit there for 10 minutes.

- Foreplay is HUGE in Tantric land. This involves more than just kissing and licking and punching. It also and most importantly involves communicating. Sex moves that worked on your last partner won’t necessarily work on your present one. I once dated a girl who loved having her inner thigh bitten…hard! Thinking all women loved this, I tried it on my next girlfriend. She screamed and punched me right in my non-communicating head. Talk to each other. Where do you want to be kissed? Are your ears sensitive? Do you like thinks delicate and gentle or do you like a little blood? It takes about 20 minutes for a woman to achieve an orgasm, but most sexual encounters only last 10-15. This is extremely frustrating. A man’s orgasm sometimes happens before the pants even come off. This might sound counter intuitive, but take your mind off the orgasm, dudes especially. Just focus on pleasing your partner, giving yourselves a full hour or 2 to really explore each other. When “getting there” is not the focus, you’ll be surprised how many orgasms can happen in an afternoon.

- Keep building the tension slowly. Once the in/out in/out has started, men will often pop their weasel long before the woman is even close. But during foreplay and pressure building, a man can last extremely long, and will in turn develop stronger pubococcygeus muscles. Aside from being one of my least favourite words, the pubococcygeus muscle lines the pelvic floor and is responsible for controlling pee, and contracts during orgasm. It is this muscle that you can strengthen using Kegal exercises, which will help keep you from erupting like Mount Vesuvius.

Orgasm and ejaculation are not one and the same in Tantric sex. If you want to learn the mysterious ways of how to have an orgasm without the mess, you can read this article.

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ENTER YOUR BRAIN

YOUR BRAIN: So, what on earth are you going to say to this girl?
YOU: Well, I don’t know. I’ll start with hello.
YOUR BRAIN: Yeah nice, that’ll win her over! In case you haven’t noticed, everyone in the coffee shop is actually paying attention to your every move.  They’ll laugh at you.  She’ll laugh at you.  See that dude in the corner? He’ll actually throw a muffin at you.
YOU: But I’ve never felt an attraction this strong, I really should say something.
YOUR BRAIN: You’re not her type. You’ll embarrass yourself.
YOU: But…
YOUR BRAIN: She probably has a boyfriend anyway.
YOU: (sigh) Yeah, you’re probably right.  She’d never dig me.  I’ll look like an idiot.

Your BRAIN has drawn negative information from your own supply of fears and insecurities and has gladly provided you with a PowerPoint presentation of all the embarrassing possibilities associated with saying “hi” to this girl.  You haven’t even left your seat but she’s already dumped her bowl of vanilla latte on your head. And so you return to your shell…oops..I mean book, and she walks out of your life forever.  Sound familiar?

How do you feel after these situations, confident? Proud to have maintained your composure in front of these strangers? Or do you feel deflated?  The fire you felt for this girl suffocated, leaving nothing but charred embers of regret, better known as The Should’ves?  My money is on the latter.  And you have once again supplied your BRAIN with more negative information for future PowerPoint presentations.

Before BRAIN showed up on the scene however, someone else had the stage, someone who deserves our undivided attention but rarely gets it: our GUT.  Our GUT not only keeps us alive but it helps guide us along the way.  Whenever we meet new people or encounter decision-worthy situations our GUT is always whispering to us, and ten times out of ten, our GUT is always right.  In the case of the girl in the coffee shop, your GUT was screaming. It can of course be argued that your CROTCH was also making a lot of noise, which is of course true.  But the CROTCH vs. BRAIN battle can go without saying, for the sake of this article lets give your GUT a chance in the ring.
Two major factors will help you to overcome your fear of rejection:1. Trust your GUT  2. Replace the negative info in your BRAIN with positive info.

STEP 1

Unplug yourself.  There are humans everywhere.

In order to hear our GUT we must first put down our cell phones, close our laptops and learn to actually listen when our GUT is speaking. Many of us wouldn’t recognize it if it came swinging at us with a sack of doorknobs. Surrounded by home theatre systems, ear-plugged environmental soundtracks and anonymous internet conversations, it’s little to no wonder why we’re developing difficulties when approaching other humans.

I realize that we are in the age of information and we must therefore spend many hours a day in front of computer screens with various telephone technology attached to our heads.  But if you find that you are unable to maintain decent conversations without the use of yellow-headed emoticons or break dancing Stormtroopers, you will never have the courage to approach a stranger.  I’m not suggesting that you disconnect completely, but every once in while step outside, unplug yourself from everything for at least an hour.  Without distractions become aware of your surroundings and the people around you. This will help to open up the channels between you and your GUT.

NOTE: The next time you go to Starbucks, leave your laptop in its bag for a while.  This will make you seem more approachable to those bravely considering talking to you. Getting picked-up by a woman in public is about as rare as riding bare-back on a unicorn, but it happened to me once in my life and had I been hardwired into technology at the time, she would never have had the nerve.

STEP 2

Establish and maintain eye contact.

“My eyes are up here!”

This is one of the most important steps as it will create a foundation of positive information for your BRAIN to draw info from in the future.  First, when walking down the street, keep your head up.  This not only demonstrates confidence but your peripheral vision will be at its max, and by peripheral vision I mean “Hottie Radar”.

Here’s your assignment:  The next time you go for a walk, try to establish eye contact with anyone walking by. Girl, guy, it does not matter.  You will soon discover that most people are just as insecure as you and are not able to look up.  For the first few tries feel free to look away as soon as your gaze is met.  When you are more comfortable, focus on people you are actually attracted to. So far so good.  The tough part now is to maintain the eye-contact once it’s been established. Every part of you will be dying to look away but you must fight this.   Your confidence will grow and eventually you will be so comfortable you will treat it like a game.  You will actually be testing others to see if they have the balls to hold your gaze.  It’s empowering.  You might even begin to feel sorry for those who walk with their heads down.  Funny, ‘cause that used to be you!

STEP 3

Smile!

If you are living in Canada anywhere outside of Montreal and Toronto, you can probably skip this step.  For the rest of you there is a strange phenomena going on in societies known as “smiling”. Once you’ve gained the skills to force other sidewalkers into eye-contact submission, try throwing a smile their way.  Your first few attempts will be awkward and you will probably frighten people.  Your smile is not genuine yet. But like everything else practice makes perfect.  You will soon discover something about human nature that will blow your socks off:  People will instinctively smile back.  Why instinctively? Because we are social creatures by nature, a fact that has helped us survive on this planet.  Thork would never have been able to warn Grook that he was about to get eaten by a saber-toothed tiger if humans had not developed communication through socializing. Despite what your BRAIN might tell you, no one will get pissed off if you smile at them (unless of course she’s on the arm of her boyfriend at the time).

So the next time your GUT nudges you about a certain someone, throw them a genuine smile.  Not only will they smile back, but they will certainly remember you.

STEP 4

Initiate conversation.

This is the moment when your BRAIN will either give you fuel or put sugar in your gas tank.  When approaching strangers we often play out entire conversations in our head and we become overwhelmed with the thought of messing up, sabotaging ourselves before even saying “hello”.  Let’s take a deep breath, relax. Start small, simple. Ask a stranger for the time (and for Christ’s sake, don’t be wearing a watch when you do this!) and when they tell you feel free to run away.  “Where are the bathrooms?” “Please pass the salt” Anything!  There are no commitments here, you’re just getting used to engaging with strangers. By practicing on people you don’t care about you’ll be a seasoned conversation starter when you finally see someone interesting.

If you’ve made it this far congratulations! But you’re about to lose your water wings and jump into the deep end.  I dare you to walk up to the hottest woman you’ve ever seen and ask her for directions, even if you know full well where you are. Sounds horrifying, but you’ll find that the pressure’s off you because you’re not asking her out on a date, you’re simply asking for help.  She won’t be judging you and you can disengage at any point.  But guess what, you’re in a conversation with the hottest woman you’ve ever seen!  Now when you see the girl in the coffee shop who made your heart want to explode and your palms all sweaty, your BRAIN will remind you of the time you had the guts to approach the beautiful stranger, and you’ll have to courage to follow your GUT.

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Bitch!

Unlike the drinking promise which I usually break in a matter of hours, I’ve stuck to my guns in the no-women department for the last 8 weeks (and no, sticking to my guns is not a masturbation joke.  Unless of course you think it’s funny, in which case, it totally was.) In any case enough time has passed, I have learned absolutely nothing, and I have become interested in human women again.  The only problem is that unless they approach me or I’m completely hammered, I have no clue how to “get with” them.  Thanks to texting, tweeting, Facbooking and IMing, I’ve lost the testicular fortitude required to walk up to a living female and say hello.  So I’m about to start doing what millions of lazy cowards like myself are doing and I’m going to break that terrifying ice from the safety of my apartment, hiding behind a picture and a profile on some form of internet dating site.

My only problem is that I have no idea which one to pick, so I’ve done some research to help me on my quest.  These are some of the more interesting ones I’ve found.

Women Behind Bars

Up until this point I have had very little success with any law-abiding female citizens.  It might be time to give caged criminals a chance. At Women Behind Bars you can pick a penpal from pictures and profiles of incarcerated women in prisons all over America.  And if this doesn’t interest you, you can at least create a tongue twister about it: How many prison penpals from pictures and profiles did Peter Piper pick?

My little cupcake

Undecided about using this site, I turned as I always do to “The Little Jerry” episode of Seinfeld for the answers.  George makes a very strong case for what Kramer describes as “Caged Heat”:

JERRY: You asked her out?
GEORGE: Well…not “out.” She’s in prison.
JERRY: How could you ask her out?
GEORGE: Why not?
JERRY: I remember when you wouldn’t date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn’t want to go over the bridge!
GEORGE: That was different!
JERRY: I’ll say.
GEORGE: Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. And you know how you live in fear of the pop-in?
JERRY (shudders): The pop-in.
GEORGE: Yeah, no pop-in, no “in the neighborhood,” no “I saw your light was on.” And the best part is, if things go really well…
JERRY: Conjugal visit?
GEORGE (giddy): Don’t jinx it!

Trek Passions

What I love about this site is that they want to make absolutely clear that this is a “community site for science fiction lovers, including but not limited to lovers of Star Trek and Star Wars.”  Yes, this will open the doors to all those ladies who touch themselves while reading Foundation and Empire but who hate Ewoks.  I’ve always loved science fiction, but I think I’ll steer clear from a website that has the words “Grok” “Pon Farr” and “Extra” on the front page.

And yes nerds, I know that Pon farr is Swedish for “Horny Vulcans”.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Atlasphere

Wow, of all the authors out there who should have dating sites, Chuck Palahniuk for example, Ayn Rand is certainly the sexiest.  The only reason I’d use this site would be to ask my date what the hell happens after John Galt’s speech in Atlas Shrugged.  Without knowing anything about Ayn Rand and being a huge Greek mythology lover I picked up the book while I was in University.  900 freaking pages into it and there was not one snake-haired, bull-testicled lion monster, not one blood-soaked battle where the gods use humans as chess pieces, not even one mention of Hercules being gay.  Instead there was a speech.  A 70-page speech, of which I could only endure 27.  I have only ever walked out of a movie once (it was Freedom Writers and I won the tickets in a radio contest), and up until that point I had never gotten three quarters of the way through a book, especially not one that’s 1300 pages long, and tossed it back on the shelf, but in this case I just had to.  So if anyone could please tell me what the f*** happens after Mr. Galt bored the living s*** out of me, preferably over drinks and some meaningless sex, I would greatly appreciate it.  Were there any of these?

Meet an Ostomate

The only thing keeping me from meeting the love of my life on this site is the fact that I have not had my colon surgically pulled through my anterior abdominal wall so that feces may exit my body and be collected in an ostomy pouching system.  Otherwise I’d be all in.  I hated to laugh but I couldn’t help it when I read the heading for their latest forum topic:  Taking liquids on planes.

Positive Singles (not positive in a personality sense, but in a “we are positive you have syphilis” sense)

A wise pop star once said “Rah rah ah ah ah, Roma roma ma, Gaga ohh la la.”  Realizing instantly that she was on to something so profound, so fundamentally crucial to the human quest for knowledge of our ever-expanding universe, I continued listening:  “I want your ugly, I want your disease. I want your everything, as long as it’s free.”  Free herpes, of course!  All this time I’ve been paying crack whores with questionable vaginas for unprotected sex, when Lady Gaga (or Gajaa as I like to call her) had the answer the entire time.  At Positive Singles you can get all kinds of infectious diseases, and the best part, it’s free!  All together now, “Rah rah ah ah ah, Roma roma ma, Gaga ohh la la.”

Daily Diapers

I can’t help but feel, I’m sure all the fine folks over at Meet an Ostomate would agree, that adults wearing diapers is like borrowing a paraplegic’s wheelchair for the thrill of it.  Members of this digestively irresponsible community call themselves Adult Babies, or Big Kids.  Could there be anything creepier?  Even after watching Tom Hanks act like a kid in the movie Big gave me nightmares for weeks.  When my mother would wake me she couldn’t tell where the sweat ended and where the urine began.  Perhaps I should have gone to bed wearing a…hey!  Wait a minute!

Warning:  This image is similar to a light bulb; stare at it for too long and it will be burned into your brain long after you’ve looked away.

It also attracts moths.

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You can be happy or you can be right, amazing!  I very much enjoy a good old fashioned argument, as I am extremely logical, and I like debating topics both parties are passionate about.  But the more my girlfriend and I would butt heads, I was starting to realize that no matter how air tight my argument was, no matter how many facts, dates, previous conversations or witnesses I would bring, she would always bring her emotions: the hot, steamy recipe for disaster.  And in the relationship rock paper scissors game of like, emotions always beat logic.  The harder I tried to prove I was right, the more miserable we both became.

So much energy wasted, when all I had to do was say “you’re right dear, I’m sorry” and countless hours could have been saved.

But I can’t do that.  In the end I think I’d rather be right.  I’m extremely competitive, and it kills me to hand over an argument simply because her feelings might get hurt.  So keeping in mind the whole “you could be happy or you could be right” thing, the following are some tips on how to win more arguments, while keeping the tears and the hurling of objects at a minimum.  Just remember, it’s going to get ugly.  She will cry, and she will say nasty things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand.  These are tricks to lure you to her emotional level, making you angry, causing you to lose your cool and say things that will scar you both for years.  Stay calm.  Remember what a wise, 3-foot muppet once said “anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the dark side.”  If you keep a cool head and stick to your guns, you can win the argument.  She will be pissed, upset, sad and resentful, and she’ll probably withhold sex from you for the next few weeks, making you pissed, upset, sad and resentful, but hey…you’ll be right!

1.  Really try to stay focused on the issues at hand.  It will be tempting to bring up past discussions  but be careful;  women have scary good memories.  They will bring up things you said and did months and years ago, with such Polaroid precision that you won’t even know what to do with yourself.  So if you absolutely must bring up the past, make sure you remember exactly what happened, who said what, what she was wearing, what you were eating, cause if not she’ll eat you alive.

2.  No matter how upset she gets, stay calm and keep telling her you love her.  This might sound counterproductive, but some of these arguments can get pretty intense, and it can start to feel like your significant other doesn’t love you anymore or that things are coming to an end.  Keep arguing, don’t give up in the face of tears, but keep her reassured that you will still be there when the smoke clears.

3.  Never disregard her feelings.  When you sift through the things she’s telling you, which might not make any logical sense, there’s always an emotion at the base of it.  Try not to say things that “You’re being ridiculous” or “That’s just plain insanity!”  Again, if you are calm and relaxed you can see clearly, so instead respond with “Listen, I understand how you feel, but this is what really happened.”

4.  They say “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”  Dale Carnegie’s bestselling book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” describes at length the fact that no one “wins” an argument.  You might be able to prove her wrong when it comes to the facts of case, but in the end don’t ever expect her to say, “Okay honey.  You were right, I was wrong.  I’m sorry.”  This will never happen.  As was mentioned earlier, sometimes it’s better be happy than to be right.  So if you truly want to win an argument, know in your heart that you were right, but tell her “Okay sweetheart, I didn’t realize you felt that way.  I’m sorry.”  It can be very difficult to swallow that pride sometimes, but it’s the quickest path to make up sex around!

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Monday: The Starfish

The weekend may have come and gone but that doesn’t mean your sex life should. Even if you’re tired and worn out from a long day at the office, a simple, comfortable and orgasmically-effective technique to rock you and your lady friend’s world is a technique called the Starfish Position also known as the scissor position (very popular in lesbian sex).

To do it: Both of you lie down (bed, kitchen floor, concrete floor behind a truck…) with your heads in opposite directions. Place your legs between each other in a scissor position and penetrate! This is a position sure to drive your woman wild as it keeps constant pressure on the clitoris. You can hang on to each other’s hands for leverage, rock and twist your hips, arch your backs and move in and away from each other to allow for deeper penetration.

Tuesday: The Butterfly

This is a must-know position, easy, comfortable, versatile, allows for deep penetration and is perfect whether you’re in it for a quickie or endless hours of pleasure.

To do it: Go to the edge of a bed, couch, table, desk, counter, truck… Have her sit-up or lie down at the edge while you stand or kneel. If you kneel, you may want to use a pillow under your knees for extra comfort. If you’re standing, be a real stallion and lift her legs over your shoulders. Then, angle up towards each other so that your genitals meet. Next, place your hands under her hips and hold her buttocks and begin thrusting. The pelvic tilt gives your penis full access to her vagina and builds friction for both of you.

Wednesday: The Upside Down Position

If you’re in the mood for an adventurous sexcapade to try on a Wednesday, the upside down position is the way to go. Flexibility and balance is a bit of a requirement for this one so go slowly if this is your first time trying this position.

To do it: Get her to lie down first and then lift her legs so that her backside is facing you and her legs are perpendicular to the ground. When your genitals meet, squeeze her legs together as you penetrate her slowly. Hold her hips to keep you both steady.

Thursday: The Launch Pad

A great technique for synchronizing your sexual flow and achieve deep penetration is the launch pad. It is also said to massage your girl’s g-spot.

To do it: Pick her up and raise her legs and feet on your chest. You, the giver, should stand in front of her, enter and begin to thrust.

Friday: Penetration 69

Here’s one that let’s your woman take control and sure to drive you crazy.

To do it: You lie down on the bed and she lies on top of you with her head at your feet. When you’re aroused, erect and ready she lies on top of you, sliding up and down and using your feet for added thrusting and leverage.

Saturday: Jugghead

It’s the missionary position with the advantage of having breasts in your face! The unique sensation of penetration due to your elevated state is simply mind-blowing and a great way to begin or end a Saturday.

To do it: Lie down on the floor and place your legs on the edge of a couch or bed. Your lady then gets on all fours and commences the ride to heaven with boobs in your face and an angle that is amazing for pumping.

Sunday: The Lotus

In the mood for a Sunday kind of love? Why not try the lotus, a tantric sex position that brings you an unbelievable degree of closeness.

To do it: Get comfortable in the traditional lotus position and embrace each other snuggly. The trick with this one is to mirror each other’s movements so when she’s breathes in you breathe in to. Rock your pelvis’ in sync. This position is sure to deepen your intimacy and guarantee a climax that is out of this world.

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And that’s exactly why there are rules.

Breaking the rules can lead to disaster of colossal proportions: tears, anger, hurt feelings and the end of a friendship. So, let’s start with the basics. Let’s define a friend with benefits. Firstly, there is a difference between friends with benefits and casual sex partners, but many advice guides tend to ignore this difference and treat the two equally.

Defining Friends With Benefits

“Friends with benefits” is a term used to describe a physical and emotional relationship between two people. That relationship may have elements of a sexual or near-sexual nature, however it is understood by both parties that aside from some occasional flirting, touching or hanky panky, there should be no expectations of extra commitment or an official romantic relationship later on. Casual sex on the other hand, has little or no emotional attachment and is based purely on the fulfillment of sexual needs.

Embarking on a “friends with benefits” relationship can be a lot of fun but in order to prevent Hurricane Emotion from wiping out a friendship, here are some rules and pitfalls to consider beforehand.

Insider Tips

Set Rules At The Beginning
As much as we’d love for nature to take its course, a little planning can go a long way.
Rules to consider: where and when it’s okay to make out (at a bar/ in front of friends/at home behind closed doors), what is okay to do (hold hands, sleep over, cuddle), who is allowed to know (no one/closest friends/anyone). By laying out what’s acceptable and what’s not, you are protecting yourself and your FWB from emotional damage in the future.

Do Not Have Expectations
Whether it’s a phone call or sex, it’s better to let things happen when they happen. Expectations can stress a situation, the less you have them, the easier it is to play it cool, have fun and not to interfere with the natural process. The second one of you begins to expect something you didn’t before, one person is bound to bail in fear. All to say, accept what you’ve got and don’t try and push things.

Watch Your Language
Multiple “I love your…” “I love the way you” can begin to sound a lot like I love you. Try not to become an undercover over-lover.

Have A Time Frame
If this FWB relationship has been going on for more than three months, you could be entering an emotional danger zone. Obviously this depends on the nature of the relationship and the frequency of your encounters, but typically three months provides just enough time to confuse things.   If you’re really into each other maybe it’s time to give a relationship a shot. Otherwise, it may be a good time to take your eggs out of the basket.

Know When To Stop
Perhaps you’ve met someone else, want to meet someone else, or the other person is visibly becoming more attached. If you can forsee the end of this relationship approaching, now might be a good time to pull out. Ending things might be difficult at first but it saves a lot of heartache in the future.

FWB WARNINGS!

Meeting Other People Becomes Harder
Going out to a bar or party with your FWB around shouldn’t but can begin to narrow your opportunity to hook up with other people.  Though you guys are by no means in a relationship, all of a sudden jealousy and confusion are percolating.  That is of course unless you both find someone else. Your best bet is to make an agreement before anything gets out of hand.

The More You Water Them, The More Feelings Grow
There is no doubt that fun and intimacy with a person can develop into feelings, real feelings. The longer you let it go on for, the more likely they are to grow. However, very rarely do feelings builds equally and at the same pace on both sides. Be aware and stay grounded about what’s really going on.

The End Will Come
Unless you realize how madly in love you are with each other, there is a good chance that this relationship will end. And, many FWB relationships end once one person meets someone else. It’s normal for disappointment to prevail initially, but a certain amount of levelheadedness also must be maintained. The best way to make the knock a little softer is to be realistic and honest from the beginning.

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Well I’m still naïve, but I think you’ll be pleased to know, or at the very least indifferent, that I am no longer in the “zoo without a cage,” the “circus without a tent,” the “diarrhea without a diaper” world known most commonly as “dating.”  Yes my friends, I have somehow convinced a human girl to be in a monogamous relationship with me. By convinced I of course mean “tricked,” and by monogamous I mean “sexually exclusive to one another.” As appreciative as I am, it has been an all-out relationship psychology war.

In my last article I talked about how Facebook and the internet had changed the face of dating, completely eradicating blind dates while giving potential mating partners access to your life in photograph form.  Now that I’m in a fully functioning relationship, I’m discovering a whole new way of screwing things up and getting into trouble with the ladies.  I call it Facebook C***blocking.

The Double Dump

The last relationship I was in ended horribly.  I had to do the hardest thing in the world which is to tell another human being, and not to their email inbox but to their actual face, that I don’t love them anymore and that I want to see other people.  I compare the feeling to what it must be like to drown a puppy, or to throw one off a bridge in Lithuania.  This is a good litmus test to separate those of us with souls from those of us who are zombies.  But nothing prepared me for how tough it would be to end our relationship on Facebook.
Breaking up with a person is one thing, but telling the thousand-plus people between us about it was something else entirely!  I tried simply removing the “status” function completely, but sure enough, the broken heart symbol went out like a virtual Bat-signal, inviting the whole world to swoop onto my wall and inbox with a flood of “Why’s” and “So sorry’s.”
I hate when people say “I can’t believe you guys broke up!  You guys looked so happy in all those photos!”  Well no shit!  When someone takes your picture, what do you do?  Exactly.  You pull your loved one in close and you smile.  That picture only represents a split second in time.  It doesn’t capture the last 6 hours of arguing over why the toilet paper roll should be pull-able from the top and not the bottom.  Besides, it’s kinda hard to look pissed when someone says “cheese.”

But if there’s one thing I’ll give Facebook, you’re never alone during birthdays and breakups.  But changing my relationship status really felt like breaking up with someone twice, or if you will, drowning two puppies.  Like these little guys.

I just wish I had read this before doing anything, taken from an actual FB profile called “Did u know u can change ur relationship status without anyone knowing!?”

If you change your settings, you can make facebook not tell the world that u and ur lover have just ended that relationship of yours….

How u ask??

This is how!!

1) Click on “privacy” in the top right hand corner of any facebook page
2) click on “news feed and mini feed”
3) unclick the box next to “remove my relationship status”
4) click “save changes” at the bottom of the screen
5) break up with ur bf/gf in peace without the world finding out!
6) Change ur relationship status from… (read more)

A wise Jewish wedding singer once said “Information that would have been useful YESTERDAY!!”

Never Again

Since then I vowed to never, EVER post my relationship status on Facebook for the love of sweet Jesus.
Well apparently my vows mean nothing, a fact which should be of concern to the lovely girl whom I am now posted as being “in a relationship” with on Facebook.
Inasmuch as I wanted to keep my previous breakup private, I wanted the world to know that I had learned absolutely nothing.

The following are some basic rules for maintaining a danger-free Facebook profile while in a relationship. They will help the new person in your life feel like they are the only person in your life, and they will hopefully spare you from getting water boarded by jealous partners looking for answers.

Spring Clean Your Profile

Facebook can really screw you when starting a new relationship. More precisely, all the crap you and your pals have posted can screw you.  From the second you add your new love interest to your web of “friends,” expect him or her to sift through your profile with a fine-toothed stalker comb.

So before you click “Add”, make sure to delete all the wall posts discussing that time you were so wasted that you woke up in a recycling bin; remove all those photos with your tongue in people’s ears, in fact, you should remove all photos with any members of the opposite sex in them, as you will be forced to give a detailed history of each and every one them to your new love buddy.

No more Face-flirting

When the cute waitress you used to work with posts photos from her all-inclusive vacation in the Dominican Republic, it is no longer acceptable to tell her how awesome she looks in her floss-kini.

While comments like “Damn girl, you so fine you blow my mind” or “I wish I was your sunscreen lotion right now” might have been cute (they were never cute) when you were single, they are now grounds for getting dropped like that garbage remake of Night Rider.

You should also keep an eye on comments that other people post on your wall.  People have a bad habit of saying the quiet parts loud and the loud parts quiet.  When ex-flings post “hey hot stuff, I’m back in town for the weekend, do you still have those gravity boots and that trampoline?” on your wall instead of your inbox, you’re going to have a lot of explaining to do.  And almost no amount of “Baby that’s over now I swear!” can extinguish the jealousy fire your profile page created.

Along with the spring cleaning mentioned before, it would be a good idea to completely remove all exes, flings and booty calls from your profile while in a relationship, as they can only get you in trouble.  Besides, you can always add them back later if things don’t work out.

Easy on the Cheesy

Now that you’re in love, it’s going to be very tempting to spread cheese on your loved one’s wall.  Status updates like “Carla is floating on cloud 12” or “Bill is wondering how long before the heart-wound from cupid’s arrow becomes infected” are all fine and dandy…at first.  The only problem is that people who aren’t in love HATE hearing about people who are.  And while my general opinion on this matter is f*** them, you should try not to rub your love in their single, lonely, monstrous-amounts-of-alcohol-consuming faces.
Also, there is a Too Much Info meter when it comes to posting messages on each others’ walls.  Stuff like “miss you, xox” or “I had a lamb burger for lunch and thought of you”  are perfectly acceptable displays of PDFA (Public Displays of Facebook Affection).  But stuff like “I can’t properly sit on a chair today” or “Last night was awesome! If CSI showed up at my apt today with a black light, it would look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man exploded!” should be spared from the public consciousness and go straight to the inbox.

Face-time Vs Facebook Time

When people take Facebook way too seriously, the line between quality and quantity time becomes blurred.  I once lived with a girl, who would get upset with me if I didn’t notice the new photos she would post on her Facebook, or respond to the comments she posted on my wall. I LIVED WITH HER!  We would wake up together, spend entire evenings together, and fall asleep together, all the while actually speaking to each other.  This of course does not include the barrage of texts and MSN messages sent back and forth throughout the day.

How many lines of communication need to be open for couples to feel in touch with each other?  Does anyone remember what it was like to be “unavailable?”  I’m sometimes envious of our parent’s generation, who could go to work and be completely unreachable, except of course for emergencies, until they returned home.  Now we need to talk, text, and type to each other through half a dozen mediums to keep ‘em happy.

So please folks, while Facebook is indeed an amazing tool for sharing your life with close friends, keeping in touch with long distance friends, and getting back in touch with old friends, when it comes to relationships, the  time you spend together in person is what really counts.  Don’t get upset over pictures that were taken in the past, but feel free to stare in amazement at pictures taken in the future.  Life’s too short to get into arguments over the social network version of ourselves.  Virtual will never be real.

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When You’re Having Trouble Meeting People

Maybe you’ve just finished school and are shocked to discover that meeting someone is hard when you’re not surrounded by similarly aged, similarly minded people all the time. Or maybe you’ve just moved to a new place and feel adrift because you don’t know anyone…at all. Sites like Lavalife or Friendfinder can help you get in touch with people in your city or town going through the same thing. Post a picture, as much information about yourself as you’re comfortable putting on the web and trawl the profiles of other singles in your area. It’s better than talking to strangers in the frozen food aisle.

Note: Both Lavalife and Friend finder are over half to two thirds male—most of whom are white, single, without children and more affluent than the average person. Most users, male and female fall between the ages of 35 and 49. If you’re looking for someone younger or non-caucasian, specific sites such as Jdate or Blacksingles that cater to one specific demographic tend to have younger or more diverse users.

When You’re Looking for Something Specific

If you know what you’re looking for but just can’t find it around you, Match might be your answer. This site lets you put up a detailed profile—up to 26 pictures—and provides spaces for what they’ve dubbed “free writing,” allowing you to express yourself more eloquently, letting that stranger on the other end of the fiber optic cable see the real you.

As the name might suggest, this service also comes with a matching function that pairs you with viable suitors based on your profile information if the prospect of scanning through all of those profiles seems a little too daunting. Names and contact information are kept strictly confidential until such a time as you share it with your new special someone. Match is active in 24 countries and functions in 15 different languages.

Note: Users on this site are well balanced between the sexes, age demographics and incomes, but are overwhelmingly white.

When You’re Looking for Something Very Specific

Love may know no bounds, but for some the idea of dating outside of their religious faith is simply crossing the line. So what’s a firm religious adherent to do? There are a number of religion specific dating sites that can help you find the Jewish hunk, Muslim lady or Christian of your dreams, and avoid the age-old, relationship ruining question, “Your faith or mine?” If your peccadillo is cultural or has to do with sexual orientation and not religion, there are also a wide variety of ethnicity-specific or sexuality-specific dating sites that will help you find someone to take home to mother.

Note: These sites are usually populated pretty evenly between males and females and include a pretty diverse spread in age, education, and income. Make sure you fit the profile, though.

When You Can’t Trust Yourself to Make the Right Choice

Do your relationships always flame out dramatically? Maybe you’re one of those people that always picks the wrong type of person to date. Or perhaps you’re not sure what you want out of a partner.

To solve this problem two doctors, a clinical psychologist and a research scientist, categorized the characteristics between spouses that resulted in strong successful relationships, resulting in eHarmony’s 29 dimensions of compatibility. Take the detailed personality test and this dating service will provide you with the profiles of people it has ascertained will result in a stable long-term relationship for you.

Note: This site has a younger user base than most of the others. Turns out the young folk aren’t turned off by the “We met on eHarmony” commercials after all.

When You Just Want Someone to Take Care of You

Who needs romantic notions anyways? If all you’re looking for is a certain rich someone to cater to your every whim in exchange for a little quid pro quo or some cling-free fun, you’re definitely not alone. Sites like Sugardaddie.com and Millionaire Flirt are filled with rich men and women looking for something uncomplicated on the side and scads of nubile young things who won’t complain that you have to work all the time—as long as the gifts keep coming.

Note: You’ll probably have a better chance at meeting a young lady that wants to be kept as users are two thirds female and have a yearly income of around $100,000.

Because Facebook Runs Everything in Your Life Already

You could join a dating site, fill out a profile and post pictures. But why should you when you can just add a Facebook app and the work is done for you. Right now there are about 40 Facebook dating apps, but I’m sure by the time I finish writing this sentence there will be more.

Following the rule for all Facebook apps, the majority of the dating apps are completely useless, but there’s been good buzz about VerbDate. This app just connects your profile to VerbDate, a relationship specific social networking site. Check out profiles, picture galleries and talk to the newly acquired object of your affections with Skype.

Note: The largest demographic on Facebook is 18- to 24-year-olds, followed by 13- to 18-year-olds, so check that personal information closely. This is how my friend ended up dating a 16-year-old without realizing it.

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The speed-dating formula is familiar: women sit at tables around a room, and men move from table to table for a short interaction with each woman. Afterwards, everyone either checks “yes” or “no” to indicate their interest in a second date. Studies of speed-dating align with the fundamental principles of evolutionary psychology: women are much more selective than men when it comes to mate choice since women pay greater reproductive costs by making the wrong choice. Men check “yes” for a larger number of women than women do for men.

However, Eli J. Finkel and Paul Eastwick of Northwestern University decided to quite literally turn the tables in the speed-dating scenario. When the arrangement was changed to “men sit, women rotate” – men became significantly more selective and women became less selective. The cautious or choosy female and sexually aggressive male paradigm is consistent through every human society studied, as well as in most other mammals. Should this study make us question the long-held model?

Alternative explanations:

1. When the women are forced to walk toward and away from the seated men, the men are able to see their whole bodies and gauge shape and approximate weight. While women are generally less picky about men’s bodies, U.S. males show a preference for thin, firm women when choosing dates.
2. Women’s evolved mate selection goes something like: wait to be approached by a man unless I see an exceptionally desirable man, in which case, approach him. Finkel and Eastwick’s experiment thus tricked the women’s brains into thinking the men they were approaching were of exceptionally high quality.

Conclusion: Getting a woman to approach you means half the battle is won. Actually achieving this is somewhat more difficult – maybe starting your own speed-dating club under the alternative model would be a start, or you could simply ask for the switch in an existing speed-dating scenario.

Love At First Sight Lasts

Earl Naumann’s book, Love at First Sight: The Stories and Science Behind Instant Attraction, is based on quantifiable research, including 1,500 in-depth interviews with revealing results:

• Love at first sight (defined as “within one hour of meeting someone, feeling strange and powerful feelings of love for him or her”) only happens to people who believe in it.
• Nearly two-thirds of the US population believes in love at first sight.
• More than half of those who believe have experienced it.
• 55% of people who experienced love at first sight married the person.
• 75% of those who married as a result of love at first sight have stayed married – a massive improvement over average divorce rates.

Conclusion: If it happens, go for it. Lucky bastard.

Women Who Think Men Are Pigs Win Out

Glenn Geher, an associate professor of psychology at SUNY at New Paltz, finds that women who are automatically skeptical of a man’s intentions are almost always better off than women who spend time analyzing and debating over a first date.

Geher’s findings show that if a woman cannot accurately judge a man’s romantic intentions at least 90% of the time, mathematically she’s better off being biased and de facto skeptical. “Women using a ‘men are always pigs’ decision-making rule may be more likely to actually end up with honest, committed, and long-term-seeking males,” Geher concludes.

Conclusion: A woman’s rejection of you is based on a sound mathematical model and thus quite rational. Small comfort when you’re rejected, but know you’re in the top 10% for those who do say yes.

Women Benefit from Polygyny, Men Lose

The finding that humans are naturally polygamous does not qualify as surprising. However, the fact that polygyny (the marriage of one man to many women) is more beneficial to women than to men seems somewhat counterintuitive at the microlevel. It seems as though the guy has all the fun in this one, even though he’d go bankrupt on wedding rings alone, while women are forced to share. Taking the larger picture into account, though, polygyny allows a few males to monopolize all the females in the group. The situation creates greater pressure for men to compete with each other for mates as there is a much greater gap between the winners and losers in this reproductive game, which makes the cream of the crop even more desirable. Under polygyny, women can share a wealthy man, while under monogamy, they are stuck with marrying a poorer man. Or, as George Bernard Shaw puts it, “The maternal instinct leads a woman to prefer a tenth share in a first-rate man to the exclusive possession of a third-rate one.”

While men in monogamous societies often express desire for a polygynous setup, monogamy in fact guarantees every man can find a wife. Polygyny means no wife at all for men who are not extremely desirable.

The losers in polygyny? Extremely desirable women, who can monopolize an extremely desirable man under monogamy but are forced to share in a polygynous model.

Conclusion: If you’re not incredibly wealthy, impossibly handsome and indescribably awesome, be happy with monogamy. If you are all of the above…become a Mormon or move to Senegal.

Taking the Pill Could Mean Picking the Wrong Mate

After a pleasant disposition, scent is the second most important criterion for women in choosing a man, according to Rachel Herz of Brown University. Women care more about scent than muscle tone, appearance or voice.

The source of each person’s scent is actually their immune system. The segment of DNA called MHC (major histocompatibilty complex) both produces our individual odor and controls proteins involved in immunity. Because we are best protected by the broadest possible array of disease resistance, our bodies want to mate with a partner whose MHC profile differs from our own.

Claus Wedekind of the University of Bern in Switzerland conducted experiments asking women to sniff and choose clothes worn by various men. Unsurprisingly, women favored the aroma of men whose MHC profiles differ from theirs, while similar MHC profiles remind them of their fathers or brothers. However, women who take oral contraceptives get it all backwards: they found the father and brother smells most attractive. This is because the pill tricks the woman’s body into acting as if she’s pregnant – and thus she feels safer around her family in this “vulnerable” state.

Herz suggests that the widespread use of the pill while couples are dating may factor into the high divorce rates. One of the top complaints to marriage counselors reinforces this hypothesis: “Marriage counselors say that a complaint from women who want to end a relationship is, ‘I can’t stand his smell.’”
Just to make sure, Herz advises women to stop using the pill for a few months before deciding to marry.

Conclusions: Stop using too much cologne, and consider alternative forms of contraception before taking the plunge.

Men Who Sexually Harass Women Aren’t Being Sexist

Kingsely R. Browne recasts sexual harassment in terms of sex differences in mating strategies. Women reporting sexual harassment complain they have been subjected to degrading, intimidating and abusive treatment by male coworkers.

However, Browne points out that before women entered the workforce, men subjected each other to similar degrading, intimidating and abusive treatment. These are simply part of the tactics men employ in competitive situations. Thus, by subjecting women to this kind of treatment, men are not treating women differently from men (which is the legal definition of discrimination under which sexual harassment falls) – but treating them the same. Men harass women because they are not discriminating between men and women.

Conclusion: Be an equal-opportunity a-hole?

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First Dates Have Undergone a Facebook-lift

Before I get into what I like call “The Haunting,” I do have a few positive things to say about Facebook and first dates. Thanks to Facebook, the days of blind dating are over. Since most of my coupled friends find it impossible to believe that anyone could be single and happy, they are constantly trying to hook me up. Which to be honest, I don’t really mind. I love eating, drinking, and going to movies, so blind dates give me excuses to wine, dine and watch all the romantic comedies I would eventually have to rent by myself in secret. They also give me a chance to dust off all my A-jokes and A-stories. The only problem is that I can usually tell within the first five minutes whether or not I want to ever see this person again. I am either immediately attracted, to someone or I’m not, which can make for a long and excruciating evening if I’m not. Follow them beauty tips ladies! So now, whenever friends tell me they’ve got this great girl they want me to meet, they usually follow it up with “you can check out their pic on Facebook.” This process has saved me a lot of time, money, and awkward excuses as to why I’m “busy” for the next forty-seven weeks.

Let the creepy begin…

I met this girl after performing a comedy show. She was sweet, funny, and had a smile that distracted me while on stage. As we chatted I thought I was making all the right moves, saying all the right things, making her laugh at all the right moments (right as she was sipping her drink), but in the end she hit me with the “I’ve had a great time. We should hook up at some point, here’s my email address.” Her email address? We just spent forty-five minutes talking face-to-face, but when it came down to getting in touch with her, she would rather read from me in New Times Roman. Not a good sign.

The very next day however, she requested to be added as a friend on Facebook. She wouldn’t give me her phone number, but now I’m supposed to accept her as a “friend.” But what am I supposed to do? Hit Ignore? That would end things right quick, so despite my reluctance, I let her in. It felt wrong immediately. We’ve only met once and I already feel like she was encroaching on my privacy, checking every photo, judging every comment, speculating about every lady I’m friends with. We haven’t even kissed yet and I feel like I have to start “behaving” in Facebook land.

A week goes by and I send her an email, setting up our first date. And although I admit it was much easier than making that dreaded first phone call, complete with sweaty palms, racing heart and the countdown from 10 before you hit “dial,” asking a girl out via Hotmail was anything but hot. Less than an hour later, she’s requesting to be added to my MSN contact list.

For someone who wouldn’t give me her phone number, she was certainly interested in communicating. I’d be at work and I couldn’t go five minutes without her name flashing orange at the bottom of my screen. And heaven forbid I went more than two minutes without responding to her messages, suddenly my whole screen would vibrate from her impatient “nudges.” Apparently “Sorry, would love to chat but I’m at work” held no value to her, as her response to my email reeked of passive aggression, with remarks like “just try not to ignore me at dinner like you do on MSN.” She told me later that she was only joking, but I saw right through her lols and her semi-colon brackets. I always “appear offline” now on MSN.

The Date

It’s very difficult for me to capture the full date experience in this article, so I’ve tried to recreate the highlights of the conversation, with all the comments and questions that would never have occurred without Facebook, and had she just given me her damn digits to begin with. We were having drinks and dinner at an Irish pub.

Her: “Are you dating Kim?”
Me: “Who’s Kim?”
Her: “The girl hugging you on St-Patrick’s day?”
Me (becoming concerned): “What?”
Her: “From the Facebook picture.”
Me (clutching chest): “Oh, right, of course. No, she’s my ex.”
Her: “Do you and your ex still see each other?”
Me: “Umm, sometimes. Why?”
Her (fondling the butter knife): “Just curious.”

Me: “So I was at this bachelor party….”
Her: “Do you mean Alex’s bachelor party?”
Me: “Uhh, yes, actually, how the heck did you know that?”
Her: “Facebook photos. You have an album marked ‘Alex’s bachelor party.”
Me: “Oh right, Facebook.”

Her: “So what’s with you getting slapped in the face with the fish?”
Me: “How do you know about that?”
Her: “I Youtubed you.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to take that down.”

Her: “So what type of voice acting do you do?”
Me (scanning the room for exits): “How…..”
Her: “I Googled you.”

Her: “So how did you get started in comedy?”
Me: “Well, it all started at this Just for Laughs VIP party where I…..”
Her (interrupting): “….where you were picking up empty beer bottles and changing the ashtrays for all the visiting comedians, agents, and industry whozzits. And after spilling a tray of leftover cosmopolitans all over yourself, you swore that by the following year you’d attend that party as a performer, and you were on stage for the first time two weeks later?”
Me: ………….
Her: “I read your MySpace profile.”
Me: “Jesus.”

Needless to say, the date ended awkwardly. The funny thing is, without her phone number I never had to call her to say that I’ll be busy for the next 47 weeks.

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