Well I’m still naïve, but I think you’ll be pleased to know, or at the very least indifferent, that I am no longer in the “zoo without a cage,” the “circus without a tent,” the “diarrhea without a diaper” world known most commonly as “dating.”  Yes my friends, I have somehow convinced a human girl to be in a monogamous relationship with me. By convinced I of course mean “tricked,” and by monogamous I mean “sexually exclusive to one another.”

In my last article I talked about how Facebook and the internet had changed the face of dating, completely eradicating blind dates while giving potential mating partners access to your life in photograph form.  Now that I’m in a fully functioning relationship, I’m discovering a whole new way of screwing things up and getting into trouble with the ladies.  I call it Facebook C***blocking.

The Double Dump

The last relationship I was in ended horribly.  I had to do the hardest thing in the world which is to tell another human being, and not to their email inbox but to their actual face, that I don’t love them anymore and that I want to see other people.  I compare the feeling to what it must be like to drown a puppy, or to throw one off a bridge in Lithuania.  This is a good litmus test to separate those of us with souls from those of us who are zombies.  But nothing prepared me for how tough it would be to end our relationship on Facebook.
Breaking up with a person is one thing, but telling the thousand-plus people between us about it was something else entirely!  I tried simply removing the “status” function completely, but sure enough, the broken heart symbol went out like a virtual Bat-signal, inviting the whole world to swoop onto my wall and inbox with a flood of “Why’s” and “So sorry’s.”
I hate when people say “I can’t believe you guys broke up!  You guys looked so happy in all those photos!”  Well no shit!  When someone takes your picture, what do you do?  Exactly.  You pull your loved one in close and you smile.  That picture only represents a split second in time.  It doesn’t capture the last 6 hours of arguing over why the toilet paper roll should be pull-able from the top and not the bottom.  Besides, it’s kinda hard to look pissed when someone says “cheese.”

But if there’s one thing I’ll give Facebook, you’re never alone during birthdays and breakups.  But changing my relationship status really felt like breaking up with someone twice, or if you will, drowning two puppies.  Like these little guys.

I just wish I had read this before doing anything, taken from an actual FB profile called “Did u know u can change ur relationship status without anyone knowing!?”

If you change your settings, you can make facebook not tell the world that u and ur lover have just ended that relationship of yours….

How u ask??

This is how!!

1) Click on “privacy” in the top right hand corner of any facebook page
2) click on “news feed and mini feed”
3) unclick the box next to “remove my relationship status”
4) click “save changes” at the bottom of the screen
5) break up with ur bf/gf in peace without the world finding out!
6) Change ur relationship status from… (read more)

A wise Jewish wedding singer once said “Information that would have been useful YESTERDAY!!”

Never Again

Since then I vowed to never, EVER post my relationship status on Facebook for the love of sweet Jesus.
Well apparently my vows mean nothing, a fact which should be of concern to the lovely girl whom I am now posted as being “in a relationship” with on Facebook.
Inasmuch as I wanted to keep my previous breakup private, I wanted the world to know that I had learned absolutely nothing.

The following are some basic rules for maintaining a danger-free Facebook profile while in a relationship. They will help the new person in your life feel like they are the only person in your life, and they will hopefully spare you from getting water boarded by jealous partners looking for answers.

Spring Clean Your Profile

Facebook can really screw you when starting a new relationship. More precisely, all the crap you and your pals have posted can screw you.  From the second you add your new love interest to your web of “friends,” expect him or her to sift through your profile with a fine-toothed stalker comb.

So before you click “Add”, make sure to delete all the wall posts discussing that time you were so wasted that you woke up in a recycling bin; remove all those photos with your tongue in people’s ears, in fact, you should remove all photos with any members of the opposite sex in them, as you will be forced to give a detailed history of each and every one them to your new love buddy.

No more Face-flirting

When the cute waitress you used to work with posts photos from her all-inclusive vacation in the Dominican Republic, it is no longer acceptable to tell her how awesome she looks in her floss-kini.

While comments like “Damn girl, you so fine you blow my mind” or “I wish I was your sunscreen lotion right now” might have been cute (they were never cute) when you were single, they are now grounds for getting dropped like that garbage remake of Night Rider.

You should also keep an eye on comments that other people post on your wall.  People have a bad habit of saying the quiet parts loud and the loud parts quiet.  When ex-flings post “hey hot stuff, I’m back in town for the weekend, do you still have those gravity boots and that trampoline?” on your wall instead of your inbox, you’re going to have a lot of explaining to do.  And almost no amount of “Baby that’s over now I swear!” can extinguish the jealousy fire your profile page created.

Along with the spring cleaning mentioned before, it would be a good idea to completely remove all exes, flings and booty calls from your profile while in a relationship, as they can only get you in trouble.  Besides, you can always add them back later if things don’t work out.

Easy on the Cheesy

Now that you’re in love, it’s going to be very tempting to spread cheese on your loved one’s wall.  Status updates like “Carla is floating on cloud 12” or “Bill is wondering how long before the heart-wound from cupid’s arrow becomes infected” are all fine and dandy…at first.  The only problem is that people who aren’t in love HATE hearing about people who are.  And while my general opinion on this matter is f*** them, you should try not to rub your love in their single, lonely, monstrous-amounts-of-alcohol-consuming faces.
Also, there is a Too Much Info meter when it comes to posting messages on each others’ walls.  Stuff like “miss you, xox” or “I had a lamb burger for lunch and thought of you”  are perfectly acceptable displays of PDFA (Public Displays of Facebook Affection).  But stuff like “I can’t properly sit on a chair today” or “Last night was awesome! If CSI showed up at my apt today with a black light, it would look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man exploded!” should be spared from the public consciousness and go straight to the inbox.

Face-time Vs Facebook Time

When people take Facebook way too seriously, the line between quality and quantity time becomes blurred.  I once lived with a girl, who would get upset with me if I didn’t notice the new photos she would post on her Facebook, or respond to the comments she posted on my wall. I LIVED WITH HER!  We would wake up together, spend entire evenings together, and fall asleep together, all the while actually speaking to each other.  This of course does not include the barrage of texts and MSN messages sent back and forth throughout the day.

How many lines of communication need to be open for couples to feel in touch with each other?  Does anyone remember what it was like to be “unavailable?”  I’m sometimes envious of our parent’s generation, who could go to work and be completely unreachable, except of course for emergencies, until they returned home.  Now we need to talk, text, and type to each other through half a dozen mediums to keep ‘em happy.

So please folks, while Facebook is indeed an amazing tool for sharing your life with close friends, keeping in touch with long distance friends, and getting back in touch with old friends, when it comes to relationships, the  time you spend together in person is what really counts.  Don’t get upset over pictures that were taken in the past, but feel free to stare in amazement at pictures taken in the future.  Life’s too short to get into arguments over the social network version of ourselves.  Virtual will never be real.

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When You’re Having Trouble Meeting People

Maybe you’ve just finished school and are shocked to discover that meeting someone is hard when you’re not surrounded by similarly aged, similarly minded people all the time. Or maybe you’ve just moved to a new place and feel adrift because you don’t know anyone…at all. Sites like Lavalife or Friendfinder can help you get in touch with people in your city or town going through the same thing. Post a picture, as much information about yourself as you’re comfortable putting on the web and trawl the profiles of other singles in your area. It’s better than talking to strangers in the frozen food aisle.

Note: Both Lavalife and Friend finder are over half to two thirds male—most of whom are white, single, without children and more affluent than the average person. Most users, male and female fall between the ages of 35 and 49. If you’re looking for someone younger or non-caucasian, specific sites such as Jdate or Blacksingles that cater to one specific demographic tend to have younger or more diverse users.

When You’re Looking for Something Specific

If you know what you’re looking for but just can’t find it around you, Match might be your answer. This site lets you put up a detailed profile—up to 26 pictures—and provides spaces for what they’ve dubbed “free writing,” allowing you to express yourself more eloquently, letting that stranger on the other end of the fiber optic cable see the real you.

As the name might suggest, this service also comes with a matching function that pairs you with viable suitors based on your profile information if the prospect of scanning through all of those profiles seems a little too daunting. Names and contact information are kept strictly confidential until such a time as you share it with your new special someone. Match is active in 24 countries and functions in 15 different languages.

Note: Users on this site are well balanced between the sexes, age demographics and incomes, but are overwhelmingly white.

When You’re Looking for Something Very Specific

Love may know no bounds, but for some the idea of dating outside of their religious faith is simply crossing the line. So what’s a firm religious adherent to do? There are a number of religion specific dating sites that can help you find the Jewish hunk, Muslim lady or Christian of your dreams, and avoid the age-old, relationship ruining question, “Your faith or mine?” If your peccadillo is cultural or has to do with sexual orientation and not religion, there are also a wide variety of ethnicity-specific or sexuality-specific dating sites that will help you find someone to take home to mother.

Note: These sites are usually populated pretty evenly between males and females and include a pretty diverse spread in age, education, and income. Make sure you fit the profile, though.

When You Can’t Trust Yourself to Make the Right Choice

Do your relationships always flame out dramatically? Maybe you’re one of those people that always picks the wrong type of person to date. Or perhaps you’re not sure what you want out of a partner.

To solve this problem two doctors, a clinical psychologist and a research scientist, categorized the characteristics between spouses that resulted in strong successful relationships, resulting in eHarmony’s 29 dimensions of compatibility. Take the detailed personality test and this dating service will provide you with the profiles of people it has ascertained will result in a stable long-term relationship for you.

Note: This site has a younger user base than most of the others. Turns out the young folk aren’t turned off by the “We met on eHarmony” commercials after all.

When You Just Want Someone to Take Care of You

Who needs romantic notions anyways? If all you’re looking for is a certain rich someone to cater to your every whim in exchange for a little quid pro quo or some cling-free fun, you’re definitely not alone. Sites like Sugardaddie.com and Millionaire Flirt are filled with rich men and women looking for something uncomplicated on the side and scads of nubile young things who won’t complain that you have to work all the time—as long as the gifts keep coming.

Note: You’ll probably have a better chance at meeting a young lady that wants to be kept as users are two thirds female and have a yearly income of around $100,000.

Because Facebook Runs Everything in Your Life Already

You could join a dating site, fill out a profile and post pictures. But why should you when you can just add a Facebook app and the work is done for you. Right now there are about 40 Facebook dating apps, but I’m sure by the time I finish writing this sentence there will be more.

Following the rule for all Facebook apps, the majority of the dating apps are completely useless, but there’s been good buzz about VerbDate. This app just connects your profile to VerbDate, a relationship specific social networking site. Check out profiles, picture galleries and talk to the newly acquired object of your affections with Skype.

Note: The largest demographic on Facebook is 18- to 24-year-olds, followed by 13- to 18-year-olds, so check that personal information closely. This is how my friend ended up dating a 16-year-old without realizing it.

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The speed-dating formula is familiar: women sit at tables around a room, and men move from table to table for a short interaction with each woman. Afterwards, everyone either checks “yes” or “no” to indicate their interest in a second date. Studies of speed-dating align with the fundamental principles of evolutionary psychology: women are much more selective than men when it comes to mate choice since women pay greater reproductive costs by making the wrong choice. Men check “yes” for a larger number of women than women do for men.

However, Eli J. Finkel and Paul Eastwick of Northwestern University decided to quite literally turn the tables in the speed-dating scenario. When the arrangement was changed to “men sit, women rotate” – men became significantly more selective and women became less selective. The cautious or choosy female and sexually aggressive male paradigm is consistent through every human society studied, as well as in most other mammals. Should this study make us question the long-held model?

Alternative explanations:

1. When the women are forced to walk toward and away from the seated men, the men are able to see their whole bodies and gauge shape and approximate weight. While women are generally less picky about men’s bodies, U.S. males show a preference for thin, firm women when choosing dates.
2. Women’s evolved mate selection goes something like: wait to be approached by a man unless I see an exceptionally desirable man, in which case, approach him. Finkel and Eastwick’s experiment thus tricked the women’s brains into thinking the men they were approaching were of exceptionally high quality.

Conclusion: Getting a woman to approach you means half the battle is won. Actually achieving this is somewhat more difficult – maybe starting your own speed-dating club under the alternative model would be a start, or you could simply ask for the switch in an existing speed-dating scenario.

Love At First Sight Lasts

Earl Naumann’s book, Love at First Sight: The Stories and Science Behind Instant Attraction, is based on quantifiable research, including 1,500 in-depth interviews with revealing results:

• Love at first sight (defined as “within one hour of meeting someone, feeling strange and powerful feelings of love for him or her”) only happens to people who believe in it.
• Nearly two-thirds of the US population believes in love at first sight.
• More than half of those who believe have experienced it.
• 55% of people who experienced love at first sight married the person.
• 75% of those who married as a result of love at first sight have stayed married – a massive improvement over average divorce rates.

Conclusion: If it happens, go for it. Lucky bastard.

Women Who Think Men Are Pigs Win Out

Glenn Geher, an associate professor of psychology at SUNY at New Paltz, finds that women who are automatically skeptical of a man’s intentions are almost always better off than women who spend time analyzing and debating over a first date.

Geher’s findings show that if a woman cannot accurately judge a man’s romantic intentions at least 90% of the time, mathematically she’s better off being biased and de facto skeptical. “Women using a ‘men are always pigs’ decision-making rule may be more likely to actually end up with honest, committed, and long-term-seeking males,” Geher concludes.

Conclusion: A woman’s rejection of you is based on a sound mathematical model and thus quite rational. Small comfort when you’re rejected, but know you’re in the top 10% for those who do say yes.

Women Benefit from Polygyny, Men Lose

The finding that humans are naturally polygamous does not qualify as surprising. However, the fact that polygyny (the marriage of one man to many women) is more beneficial to women than to men seems somewhat counterintuitive at the microlevel. It seems as though the guy has all the fun in this one, even though he’d go bankrupt on wedding rings alone, while women are forced to share. Taking the larger picture into account, though, polygyny allows a few males to monopolize all the females in the group. The situation creates greater pressure for men to compete with each other for mates as there is a much greater gap between the winners and losers in this reproductive game, which makes the cream of the crop even more desirable. Under polygyny, women can share a wealthy man, while under monogamy, they are stuck with marrying a poorer man. Or, as George Bernard Shaw puts it, “The maternal instinct leads a woman to prefer a tenth share in a first-rate man to the exclusive possession of a third-rate one.”

While men in monogamous societies often express desire for a polygynous setup, monogamy in fact guarantees every man can find a wife. Polygyny means no wife at all for men who are not extremely desirable.

The losers in polygyny? Extremely desirable women, who can monopolize an extremely desirable man under monogamy but are forced to share in a polygynous model.

Conclusion: If you’re not incredibly wealthy, impossibly handsome and indescribably awesome, be happy with monogamy. If you are all of the above…become a Mormon or move to Senegal.

Taking the Pill Could Mean Picking the Wrong Mate

After a pleasant disposition, scent is the second most important criterion for women in choosing a man, according to Rachel Herz of Brown University. Women care more about scent than muscle tone, appearance or voice.

The source of each person’s scent is actually their immune system. The segment of DNA called MHC (major histocompatibilty complex) both produces our individual odor and controls proteins involved in immunity. Because we are best protected by the broadest possible array of disease resistance, our bodies want to mate with a partner whose MHC profile differs from our own.

Claus Wedekind of the University of Bern in Switzerland conducted experiments asking women to sniff and choose clothes worn by various men. Unsurprisingly, women favored the aroma of men whose MHC profiles differ from theirs, while similar MHC profiles remind them of their fathers or brothers. However, women who take oral contraceptives get it all backwards: they found the father and brother smells most attractive. This is because the pill tricks the woman’s body into acting as if she’s pregnant – and thus she feels safer around her family in this “vulnerable” state.

Herz suggests that the widespread use of the pill while couples are dating may factor into the high divorce rates. One of the top complaints to marriage counselors reinforces this hypothesis: “Marriage counselors say that a complaint from women who want to end a relationship is, ‘I can’t stand his smell.’”
Just to make sure, Herz advises women to stop using the pill for a few months before deciding to marry.

Conclusions: Stop using too much cologne, and consider alternative forms of contraception before taking the plunge.

Men Who Sexually Harass Women Aren’t Being Sexist

Kingsely R. Browne recasts sexual harassment in terms of sex differences in mating strategies. Women reporting sexual harassment complain they have been subjected to degrading, intimidating and abusive treatment by male coworkers.

However, Browne points out that before women entered the workforce, men subjected each other to similar degrading, intimidating and abusive treatment. These are simply part of the tactics men employ in competitive situations. Thus, by subjecting women to this kind of treatment, men are not treating women differently from men (which is the legal definition of discrimination under which sexual harassment falls) – but treating them the same. Men harass women because they are not discriminating between men and women.

Conclusion: Be an equal-opportunity a-hole?

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First Dates Have Undergone a Facebook-lift

Before I get into what I like call “The Haunting,” I do have a few positive things to say about Facebook and first dates. Thanks to Facebook, the days of blind dating are over. Since most of my coupled friends find it impossible to believe that anyone could be single and happy, they are constantly trying to hook me up. Which to be honest, I don’t really mind. I love eating, drinking, and going to movies, so blind dates give me excuses to wine, dine and watch all the romantic comedies I would eventually have to rent by myself in secret. They also give me a chance to dust off all my A-jokes and A-stories. The only problem is that I can usually tell within the first five minutes whether or not I want to ever see this person again. I am either immediately attracted, to someone or I’m not, which can make for a long and excruciating evening if I’m not. Follow them beauty tips ladies! So now, whenever friends tell me they’ve got this great girl they want me to meet, they usually follow it up with “you can check out their pic on Facebook.” This process has saved me a lot of time, money, and awkward excuses as to why I’m “busy” for the next forty-seven weeks.

Let the creepy begin…

I met this girl after performing a comedy show. She was sweet, funny, and had a smile that distracted me while on stage. As we chatted I thought I was making all the right moves, saying all the right things, making her laugh at all the right moments (right as she was sipping her drink), but in the end she hit me with the “I’ve had a great time. We should hook up at some point, here’s my email address.” Her email address? We just spent forty-five minutes talking face-to-face, but when it came down to getting in touch with her, she would rather read from me in New Times Roman. Not a good sign.

The very next day however, she requested to be added as a friend on Facebook. She wouldn’t give me her phone number, but now I’m supposed to accept her as a “friend.” But what am I supposed to do? Hit Ignore? That would end things right quick, so despite my reluctance, I let her in. It felt wrong immediately. We’ve only met once and I already feel like she was encroaching on my privacy, checking every photo, judging every comment, speculating about every lady I’m friends with. We haven’t even kissed yet and I feel like I have to start “behaving” in Facebook land.

A week goes by and I send her an email, setting up our first date. And although I admit it was much easier than making that dreaded first phone call, complete with sweaty palms, racing heart and the countdown from 10 before you hit “dial,” asking a girl out via Hotmail was anything but hot. Less than an hour later, she’s requesting to be added to my MSN contact list.

For someone who wouldn’t give me her phone number, she was certainly interested in communicating. I’d be at work and I couldn’t go five minutes without her name flashing orange at the bottom of my screen. And heaven forbid I went more than two minutes without responding to her messages, suddenly my whole screen would vibrate from her impatient “nudges.” Apparently “Sorry, would love to chat but I’m at work” held no value to her, as her response to my email reeked of passive aggression, with remarks like “just try not to ignore me at dinner like you do on MSN.” She told me later that she was only joking, but I saw right through her lols and her semi-colon brackets. I always “appear offline” now on MSN.

The Date

It’s very difficult for me to capture the full date experience in this article, so I’ve tried to recreate the highlights of the conversation, with all the comments and questions that would never have occurred without Facebook, and had she just given me her damn digits to begin with. We were having drinks and dinner at an Irish pub.

Her: “Are you dating Kim?”
Me: “Who’s Kim?”
Her: “The girl hugging you on St-Patrick’s day?”
Me (becoming concerned): “What?”
Her: “From the Facebook picture.”
Me (clutching chest): “Oh, right, of course. No, she’s my ex.”
Her: “Do you and your ex still see each other?”
Me: “Umm, sometimes. Why?”
Her (fondling the butter knife): “Just curious.”

Me: “So I was at this bachelor party….”
Her: “Do you mean Alex’s bachelor party?”
Me: “Uhh, yes, actually, how the heck did you know that?”
Her: “Facebook photos. You have an album marked ‘Alex’s bachelor party.”
Me: “Oh right, Facebook.”

Her: “So what’s with you getting slapped in the face with the fish?”
Me: “How do you know about that?”
Her: “I Youtubed you.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to take that down.”

Her: “So what type of voice acting do you do?”
Me (scanning the room for exits): “How…..”
Her: “I Googled you.”

Her: “So how did you get started in comedy?”
Me: “Well, it all started at this Just for Laughs VIP party where I…..”
Her (interrupting): “….where you were picking up empty beer bottles and changing the ashtrays for all the visiting comedians, agents, and industry whozzits. And after spilling a tray of leftover cosmopolitans all over yourself, you swore that by the following year you’d attend that party as a performer, and you were on stage for the first time two weeks later?”
Me: ………….
Her: “I read your MySpace profile.”
Me: “Jesus.”

Needless to say, the date ended awkwardly. The funny thing is, without her phone number I never had to call her to say that I’ll be busy for the next 47 weeks.

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Tom States:

I argue that music was invented for the sole purpose of bedding women. Historically, musicians have been some of the most prolific lovers and it stands to reason that music has a particular affect on women. What is it that women find so attractive about men who play music? Well I postulate the following: Firstly, women appreciate the dedication and time it takes to learn how to play an instrument. Playing an instrument properly may not be the hardest thing in the world, but to someone who is musically challenged playing guitar is tantamount to rocket science. This will garner quite a bit of respect. Secondly, being musical implies a sense of rhythm which, in my opinion, subconsciously translates sexually in some way to women. Finally, it exhibits creativity and sensitivity. These are great qualities to pretend to have as women seem to like them.

Dan Says:

Women are creatures of emotion, and nothing plays the emotional heart strings of these fascinating creatures like a musician’s fingers playing the strings of an acoustic guitar. As men we tend to hide our emotions under several layers of ego and cheese, so any outward signs that we feel anything at all, any manifestations that we are not in fact robots seems to magically melt hearts and remove clothing. Women are nurturing by nature, so when a man exposes his inner soul through music women feel compelled to mend his broken wing. This technique is so effective that you don’t even have to be the one creating the music. After a glass of wine or two, a candle, or if not a candle at the very least a dimmer switch, simply whisper the words “This is how you make me feel,” hit play on the stereo, and let the wing mending begin.

Simon Adds:

Whoever’s playing the music is immediately the most important person in the room, and in most cases, whoever’s singing is the most important person in the band. With all the evolutionary value attributed to music as a source of joy, comfort, solidarity and much more (must read Daniel J. Levitin’s The World in Six Songs for fascinating depth on this and more), a cloud of biological fitness surrounds the musician, leaving the rest of the room’s guys jealous and angry. That’s why I took up the guitar! I’ve played live only a few times, and badly at that, but the effects on the opposite sex were shocking, undeniable, most encouraging. Note: in most cases, the more of an impression of an arrogant cock you give off, the greater the response. Sad but true. Forget buying a diamond bracelet – just play music!

While I’d disagree with Tom to say that music serves a lot more than bedding women, all the other conferred benefits can technically apply to romantic pursuit as well, I suppose.

I’d also add to Dan’s point about the emotional effects of a musician’s playing fingers that overt displayed dexterity can go a long way in a woman’s imagination, too. So not just emotional thinking, but rational conclusions, too.

Mary Concludes:

That which is unknown is often most desirable, so yes, the person playing the music in a setting where no one else can, will certainly have more sex appeal, and even lead to some girls getting their panties in a twist, as was the case for Simon. However, being a musically inclined woman, who has grown up playing different instruments, I have become quite a tough critic and judge of these often transparent attempts to be wooed through song. You really do have to know how to play your instrument and you can’t be as obvious as to break out in Dave Matthews “Crash”. But I would have to agree with Dan’s point that the very fact that men do tend to hide their emotions under, quite rightly, “several layers of ego and cheese” a well played instrument will definitely give you some head way toward the sack. As for Tom’s postulation about music being invented for the sole purpose of bedding women, well, that just discounts so many important characteristics of the pure pleasures of music, which I often find better enjoyed alone anyway.

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