Santa’s coming to town

I found out there was no Santa in grade 1, thanks to my bitch of a teacher who thrived on crushing childhood dreams. Like many kids who have just been informed of the truth about Santa, I developed an impulse for damaging other children  by spreading the news.

If you cross your eyes, they will stay like that forever

Crossing your eyes will not affect your eye placement long term. Think about it, when we focus up-close our eyes naturally come together.  So, when you cross your eyes you are essentially just exaggerating this natural response. I was told that you would only stay cross-eyed if you kept your eyes crossed and someone smacked you on the back. I decided to test the theory out on my little brother, and I can assure you there is absolutely no harm in crossing your eyes, or crossing your eyes and getting smacked in the back.

Sitting too close to the TV will damage your eyes

Some eye doctors recommend not letting kids get closer than five feet to the TV screen, however, the intention is to prevent eye fatigue, not eye damage.

If you pick your nose your nostril will stretch

Your nostrils will not stretch from picking your nose. The technical name for compulsive booger-digging is rhinotillexomania and aside from grossing out bystanders, picking your nose may actually be good for you. According to Dr. Friedrich Bischinger, a lung specialist in Innsbruck, people who pick their noses with their fingers are “healthier, happier, and more in tune with their bodies”. His argument stems from the notion that exposing the body to the dried germ corpses helps to reinforce the immune system. He feels society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking, and encourage children to take up the habit.

You’ll grow hair on your hands if you touch it. If you keep playing with it, it will fall off

After years of experience I can tell everyone first-hand (pun intended) that your genitals will not fall off if you touch them too much. And no hair will grow either! At least, not on your hands… There is absolutely no harm in masturbating, even a lot of masturbating, unless it is so vigorous that you irritate the skin or if you were to do something really foolish like  inserting something into your urethra. But I imagine that must hurt quite a lot.

If you play with your belly button your intestines will fall out

If you avoid putting scissors or sharp objects in your belly button, you should have nothing to worry about.

When I was your age I had to walk 7 miles to get to school…

Really?

You get cooties from kissing

Scientists believe kissing was an evolutionary development to spread and build  immunity to germs, so your parents were partially right about cooties. What they didn’t tell you is that you do want them. The term may have originated with references to lice, fleas and other pests. A child is said to “catch” cooties through any form of bodily contact, proximity, or touching of an “infected” person. The phrase is most commonly used by children aged 5–10; however it is also used by many others older than 10 years of age.  Girls are most often the carriers of the “disease”.

“Rambo would eat it”

Rambo was probably beefing up on a mixture of protein shakes and steroids.

Thunder is the sound of angel’s bowling and lightning means they just got a STRIKE!

Thunder and lightning have been subject to scientific inquiry for centuries, but to date, no evidence that there is a bowling match going on upstairs has come to light. Scientists have this crazy idea that lightning bolts reach extremely hot temperatures- between 30,000 to 50,000 degrees F. (That’s hotter than the surface of the sun.) When the bolt suddenly heats the air around it to such an extreme, the air instantly expands, sending out a vibration or shock wave we hear as an explosion of sound, i.e. thunder. Then again, what do scientists know?

Babies come from storks

In Western culture, there is a common image of a stork bearing an infant wrapped in cloths held in its beak.  Some speculate that because childbirth was difficult to talk about in Victorian times the stork story was a good way to avoid discussion.

Sparky went to doggie heaven

Of course he did…

The crust of the bread is the healthiest part

Researchers in Germany have discovered that the crust of bread  is a rich source of antioxidants and may provide a much stronger health benefit than the rest of the bread. Did your parents actually know that or were they just making sure you didn’t waste food?

If you pee in the pool the water will turn red, purple, green or blue

In a survey conducted of 1,000 U.S. citizens, 17% admitted to releasing their liquid excretory product in a swimming pool. Even Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps, has confessed to pool peeing. All to say, no the water will not turn any other color if you pee-pee in it. However, according to an epidemiologist in the division of parasitic diseases at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention “urine in the water causes “respiratory, ocular irritation: red puffy eyes, a cough or an itchy throat”. When swimmers sweat or urinate in the pool water, the bodily fluids combine with the chlorine. It creates chloramines, which causes a strange odor and eye and respiratory irritations for swimmers.

Raw Ramen noodles will give you worms

Top Ramen noodles (like all other kind of Ramen noodles) are precooked and completely safe to eat. Until I was led to believe that my raw noodle consumption would give me worms, my favorite way to eat them as a kid was “raw”. I would find the corner of a brick wall and pulverize the bag without ripping it. Next, I would take the flavor packet, pour it over the broken bits, close up the bag, shake it and enjoy.

If you crack your knuckles you’ll get arthritis

I was told that if I cracked my knuckles I would grow up to have arthritis. Eventually my knuckles would swell up and I would lose my strength and grip. There is no proof that any of this is true, however I have to commend my mother on her cleverness since she has arthritis, and seeing that it is hereditary, I will likely have it too. Arthritis can be caused by various factors including injury, metabolic abnormalities, hereditary factors or infections.  As for knuckle cracking the only thing it has been proven to cause is neurologic habit patterns like nail biting.

If you shave your face it will come back darker and thicker

While this would be an encouraging bit of information for boys wanting to grow facial hair, it is also the way I remember my mother trying to deter her little girl from having silky, smooth, touchable legs. Shaving does not stimulate new growth, if it did, those going bald would be shaving afflicted areas to encourage more growth.  Shaving hair doesn’t change its thickness or color either. The color, location, thickness and length of hair on your body mainly depend on genetics and hormones. After you shave body hair, it may feel coarse or “stubbly” for a time as it grows out. During this phase, it may be more noticeable — and may appear darker or thicker. But it’s not.

If you eat watermelon seeds, they will grow in your stomach

If you eat watermelon seeds you might choke, but unfortunately you will not have a stomach full of watermelons.

If you swallow your gum it will stay in you for seven years

Pediatric gastroenterologist David Milov claims in a  Scientific American article that he can say “with complete certainty” that gum does not stay in you for seven years.   Once it’s swallowed, the gum base is subjected to the same treatment as regular food, and after it’s recognized as useless by your digestive system, it goes the same route as any waste product.  Seven years is the amount of time, however, that a crime will remain on your record and until you are eligible to apply for a pardon from pardons Canada.

Stop playing with that toad – you’ll get warts on your hand!

Don’t be a worrywart, touching a toad will not give you warts. Those warty looking things on the surface of their skin are simply an accumulation of mucus glands and poison glands. The only chance of anything happening would be if you handled the toad roughly. Then you’ve got a problem. Make a toad angry and it will excrete a bufotoxin, which if ingested could cause intense pain, seizures, cardiac collapse, and even death. But no warts.

If you tell me, I promise I won’t get mad…

Hence the reason we lie. Whoever said the truth will set you free was crazy if they were suggesting you tell your parents the truth. Unless the kind of freedom you’re looking for involves the afterlife…

What lies have your parents told you?

Related articles

• The Santa Claus Lie, Is it justified? (gameofroles.wordpress.com)
• Everyone Is Obsessing Over This Video Of Rush Limbaugh Allegedly Picking His Nose At The Super Bowl (businessinsider.com)

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From human tetris to marshmallow-eating with your face strapped with an elastic band, here is a look at 8 of the most outrageous Japanese game show events:

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Click here to view the embedded video.

Dodge the Bull

Click here to view the embedded video.

This is a French game show called Interville but is so much funnier with Asian commentators. With a few more votes and some more fan mail, I definitely think this event should be entered in the next Calgary stampede.

Tug of War

Click here to view the embedded video.

Don’t try this one at home with your mom’s pantyhose. The one they are using is made from a special material made specifically for this game show event. The contestants have to place their heads into pantyhose and pull in opposite directions. The rest is quite self-explanatory.

Door Running

Click here to view the embedded video.

I am not quite sure what to say about this one. I just hope you have good intuition and a hard head.

Human Tetris

Click here to view the embedded video.

Just like the video game, human Tetris is an instant classic. Even though it is just a wall pushing people dressed in spandex into a pool, it is still an amazing event. Here is a tip if you ever decide to participate: practice your fetal position.

Marshmallow Eating

Click here to view the embedded video.

In all honesty, I thought this would be seen first on an American channel but I guess the Japanese beat them to it. In this event, each team member needs to eat a hanging marshmallow while an elastic band is attached to their face. I just hope that the elastic band is stronger than it looks.

Soccer with Binoculars

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lotion Stair Climb

Click here to view the embedded video.

The most physical event in Asian game shows: The Lotion Stair Climb. Get ready for the most brutal and physically straining event in years. The event tasks a team of people smothered in lotion to climb a flight of stairs, also covered in lotion, and make it to the top. Did I mention people are throwing buckets of K-Y jelly on you at the same time?

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Film

Julianne Moore (The Big Lebowski, Boogie Nights, Children of Men)

Emma Stone (Superbad, Zombieland)

Rose McGowan(Machete, Planet Terror, Death Proof)

Isla Fisher (Wedding Crashers, Definitely Maybe)

Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village, Terminator Salvation)

Television

Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)

Laura Prepon (That 70’s Show)

Debra Messing (Will and Grace)

Kate Walsh (Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice)

Alicia Witt ( Spanning across many categories: Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, Dune, she is also a singer and a classically trained pianist)

Sports

Christina Hemme (Model, singer, dancer,WWE wrestler)

Erica Jenkins (Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader)

Angelica Bridges (TV actress, lingerie football player)

Emily Samuelson (Ice dancer)

Jeannie Buss (Executive Vice President of Business Operations of the Lakers, and daughter of Jerry Buss, Lakers’ owner)

Music

Geri Halliwell (Spice Girls, solo singer)

Melissa Auf Der Maur (Basist, Hole, Smashing Pumkins)

Simone Simons (Singer, Epica)

Natasha Hamilton (Atomic Kittens, solo singer/songwriter)

Florence Welsh (Singer, Florence + the Machine)

The Classics

Rita Hayworth (Circus World, Dante’s Inferno)

Lucille Ball (I Love Lucy)

Tina Louise (Gilligan’s Island)

Judy Garland (The Wizard of Oz, A Star is Born)

Maureen O’Hara ( Lady Godiva of Coventry, The Quiet Man)

Vampires

Deborah Ann Woll (Jessica Hanby in True Blood)

Evan Rachel Wood (Sophie-Anne Leclerq in True Blood)

Rachelle Lefevre (Victoria in Twilight and Twilight Saga:New Moon)

Whoever the hell this is

Actresses who played vampires as children, then grew up into age-appropriate hotties

Kirsten Dunst (Interview With the Vampire, Spiderman I-III)

So there you have it folks. For all those Felicia Day fans out there, I didn’t add her to the list because we’ve already included her in our Most Beautiful Women in the World: Sexy Geeks Edition. Feel free to post your favorite redhead in the comments section. I’m off to take a cold shower now.

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Enter Tristan Clopet. Toronto-born, Miami-based, guitar-playing whiz, profound and clever lyricist, with a voice that crosses between Anthony Kiedis and Jeff Buckley. Clopet and his band The Juice (love the name) have just released their second EP Purple, and after an entire day of listening to the six tracks on repeat- the Eureka moment strikes. Clopet has hit a soft spot, creating what sounds to me like the lost recordings of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Blood Sugar Sex Magic. Clopet and The Juice have an innate sensibility for timing, there are elements in every song that are sure to remind you of something, but it is a familiarity that is both comforting and exciting. Purple leads you into a blissful orgy of slap bass funk, indie rock, quilted with sultry blues. Just the right ingredients to change up that stale piece of warm generic pie we’re continually getting served.

Proximity Bomb is the first song to detonate the album. Fully charged, with lyrics to match, it’s Red Hot meets Rage Against the Machine, bringing you back to the glory days of the 90’s. Next comes So Alive, a favourite of many reviewers, with radio success written all over it. At first, it’s a little too sappy for my tastes, turning me off immediately because it reminds me of Coldplay, and personally, Chris Martin’s mawkish look how many notes I can make come out of my nose lost me at Yellow. But then I give the lyrics a chance Take your shoes off by the door, Throw your clothes off on the floor, Look in the mirror my dear, That’s with whom you need to start your next affair. The song gives your ears a real sense of Clopet’s vocal range and when the lyrics come together, it creates a lovely sweetness I can definitely swallow.

Clopet then wins my heart back with Superficiality is a Sin- kicking off with a funky guitar lick that sounds like the beginning of a 70s porn, followed by the more refined sounds of orchestral strings. He raps the first verse: The future sound of this ultra underground sound, Pulls ya right up into the heavens, Past the current state denizens, with reggaesque punch à la Bradley Nowell (= Vitamin Awesome!)

The next track, Ethereal Evidence follows in the footsteps of RHCP’s If You Have to Ask, blending super funk with reggae, rock and powerful words that are a total in-your-face slam on society: Fear is the greatest governor of man, Long before this elaborate plan, Of learning all you know from the TV land.

Love and a Question brings down the tempo. A beautiful composition that nearly brought me to tears, Tristan’s voice soars through gorgeous pining words, Drowning in her love drunk ways. Clopet strikes a chord with anyone who has ever experienced unrequited love. Oh one thing I never knew, Is what I was to you, Can you hear me?

Yes Tristan, we do.

He then comes back, like a devil’s opiated rage with the final song, Black Panther Party. A deep bass line introduces the heavy rock jams to follow, and again Clopet rolls us happily through his razor sharp lyrics.

By the end, Clopet has taken us on a rollercoaster ride of emotion, with energy fueled songs that will have you jumping around and smashing things in your living room, or sitting down pondering all of life’s questions.

For more Tristan you can also check out his debut EP Duende, equally as charged, tight and marshaled as Purple.

Here is one of my favourite’s called Concrete Dreams:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Also worth a listen are his “Living Room Sessions” where Tristan records a handful of his favourite covers on his YouTube page.

For instance this Vampire Weekend cover:

Click here to view the embedded video.

A la Radiohead, The Purple EP is sold on a pay what you can basis. The album can be found on http://tristanclopet.com/. A new full length album is set for release early 2011.

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STATS

DOB: Dec. 18, 1974
Hometown: California, USA
Height: 5’ 5”
Weight: not disclosed, good guess would be 115-130lbs
Bra Size: 34B
Measurements: 34-26-35
Highest level of Education Obtained: Bachelor of Arts from San Francisco State University in 1998 for her studies in Film and Sculpture
Awards and Titles: Graduated Magna Cum Laude (translates as “with honour”) from University; she is often referred to as the world’s sexiest science geek.
This is interesting: Kari once helped resuscitate a dying duck during an accident that took place while filming an episode of MythBusters.

Bio:

Kari Byron is one of those stunningly gorgeous women whom you would never attempt to classify as being “just a pretty face”. Kari is not only the hottest science babe that you have ever seen; she is also a talented artist and world traveler. After graduating with honours from Film and Sculpture at San Francisco State University, Kari took a ‘gap year’ to see the world. Her travels mainly focused on South Asia where she had the chance to view the Himalayas. During her travels Kari took advantage of the different cultures, landscapes and experiences to expand her artistic talents. Upon her return to the USA Kari commenced her career as an artist. She has held successful exhibitions at some of San Francisco’s leading art galleries where her sculptures and paintings were showcased.

Her talent in sculpture landed her a job with Jamie Hyneman at M5 Industries. This job involved creating models and toy-prototypes. Her work at M5 introduced her to the MythBusters team where she was hired on and has become a major contributor to the show. Kari still continues to practice art, however, she no longer displays her work in public exhibits. The reason for this is that by exposing her inner self through art exhibits this might conflict with the popularity of MythBusters. Fans may choose to ask her about the television show rather than her artwork. If you would like to see her work some of it can be viewed on her personal website and photography from her public exhibit debut Stray Doll (September 2004) can be purchased at Anno Domini.

Kari currently lives in California with her husband Paul Urich and their one year old baby girl, Stella Ruby. You can see Kari in the upcoming season for MythBusters and as a host on the new Science Channel show Head Rush.

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STATS

* Date of Birth: August 14, 1966.
* Hometown: Cleveland, Ohio.
* Height: 5’6”.
* Weight: Approximately 120LBS.
* Bra Size: 36C.
* Waist and Hip Measurements: 22-37. It is estimated that she wears a size 4.
* Highest Level of Education Obtained: Graduated from Bedford High School. She then studied Broadcasting Journalism at Cleveland ’s Cuyahoga Community College but did not stay to earn her degree.
* Titles and Awards: Won the Miss Teen All-American Pageant in 1985; the following year she was the 1st runner-up in the Miss USA Pageant; 1st African American to win an Oscar for Best Actress in the 2001 film Monster’s Ball. Halle has also won many “most beautiful women” titles over the years including People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive.
* This is Interesting: The beautiful actress was named after the Grand Old Halle Building in Cleveland.

Although often remembered for the memorable Halle Berry Swordfish and Halle Berry Monster’s Ball scenes, she has a very interesting past. Back when I was an impressionable 14-year old watching Spike Lee’s fifth film, Jungle Fever, I had no idea the crack head on Samuel L. Jackson’s arm would turn out to be one the hottest actresses working today.  Just in case you didn’t recognize her back then, and just in case you’re in the mood to play an obscure drinking game, watch this clip and take a swig every time the young, talented and full of potential Halle Berry drops an “F” bomb.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The beautiful Berry has come a long way since then, blowing comic book nerds away as the mutant Ororo Munroe aka Storm in the X-Men trilogy; blowing any man with working eyeballs away as Bond girl Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson in Die Another Day; impressing critics by collecting an Emmy and a Golden Globe award for her portrayal of the first African-American women to win an Academy Award in the 1999 HBO biopic Introducing Dorothy Danridge; and ultimately claiming the real title as the first African-American women to win an Academy Award for her role in Monster’s Ball in 2001.  This was a great year for her fans as well, as this was the year she was the first Halle Berry to go topless for the film Swordfish.

Is that a knife in your pocket or are just hap…oh, it is a knife.

Even the best make mistakes, as Halle demonstrated in 2005 when she received the Golden Raspberry Worst Actress Award  for her role as Catwoman.  Being the good sport that she is she accepted the award in person, bringing her Academy Award up with her on stage.

At 43 Halle Berry has been turning heads for nearly three decades, winning Miss Teen All-American in 1985 and Miss Ohio USA in 1986.  That same year she was already breaking grounds as the first African American woman to enter the Miss World pageant, where she would place 6th.  In 1998 Playboy placed her amongst the 100 Sexiest Women of the Century, and she’s been on People’s 50 Most Beautiful People list many times over.

Despite all this, even the gorgeous and the famous struggle with this crazy little thing called love.  With millions of men willing to sell their souls for a chance to escort Miss Berry down the aisle, she chose to marry two who would eventually cheat on her.  How she wasn’t good enough for baseball player David Justice or musician Eric Benet, no living human will ever know.

Everyone thought she finally found “the one” when she hooked up with Gabriel Aubry, a French-Canadian supermodel whom she dated for 5 years, and with whom she had Nahla Ariela Aubry, their beautiful daughter.  But alas, it was not meant to be, two years after little Nahla’s birth the couple parted as friends in April 2010.  This is both bad news and good news:  the bad news is they couldn’t make it work together, the good news is the world’s hottest mom is now single!

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Stats:

* Date of Birth: May 3, 1975.
* Hometown: Knoxville, Tennessee.
* Height: 5’8”.
* Weight: She has never stated her weight; it is estimated to be about 150LBS.
* Bra Size: Approximately 38-DDD.
* Waist and Hip Measurements: 30-39 size, she supposedly wears a size 14.
* Highest Level of Education Obtained: Fairfax High School in Virginia.
* Titles and Awards: Won an Emmy in 2010 for her role as Joan Holloway in Mad Men in the category Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series and; was voted the Sexiest Woman Alive by the female readers of Esquire Magazine.
* This is Interesting: Christina is a natural blond; she began dying her hair when she was ten years old. Supposedly she was influenced by Anne of Green Gables.

Short Bio:

Christina was born in Tennessee but raised in Twin Hills, Idaho. This was a religious community but her family was not religious; therefore it was a little different for the newly arrived family. In order to make new friends Christina’s mother enrolled Christina and her brother in the JUMP Theater Group. These community plays provided the spark that started set off a fierce passion for acting within the young Hendricks.

In 1989 her family relocated to Fairfax, Virginia where Christina continued to act in her high school theater group. The rest of her experience at the local high school was not as pleasant. Christina has claimed that she was treated poorly by some of the ‘preppy’ students because her and her artistic friends were viewed as ‘goths’.
Goth or not Christina’s beauty led to a modeling career that includes appearances in notable publications such as Elle, Harper’s Bazaar and People. Christina has been described as a role model by Britain’s Equities Minister because she inspires young girls to have body confidence. Her work as a model and talents as an actor paved the way to a steady role on the television show Beggars & Choosers. Christina has taken part in many television projects but the most popular one is her current role as Joan Holloway on Mad Men, a role for which she received an Emmy in the Best Supporting Actress in a Drama category during 2010.

Christina is currently living in Los Angeles with her husband Geoffrey Arend, whom she married in 2009. Some of her upcoming projects are an ad campaign for London Fog’s fall outwear line and; her continued work on Mad Men.

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This Ain’t Avatar XXX

It was only a matter of time before the porn industry jumped on the 3D bandwagon, with Hustler completing its production of This Ain’t Avatar XXX, a parody of the James Cameron sci-fi sensation.  Not very creative with their titles, last year they made their own version of J.J.Abrams’ latest edition to the Roddenberry franchise called This Ain’t Star Trek XXX. Hustler’s latest project is the most expensive adult film ever created and will be released this fall on Blu-ray in 3D. It features porn stars in full Na’vi makeup, who will certainly be wrapping more than their pony tails around each other in exotic and erotic locations.

This of course isn’t the first time someone has made an adult version of Cameron’s work, as was the case with 2001’s Titanic Tits.  It’s also not the first film to bring the hot action in 3D.  Earlier this year, James Bone added his third dimension to the film that needed no name change, Octopussy 3D.

Clockwork Orgy

No male pervert is safe with little Alex and her gang of vicious yet sexy ladies roaming the streets.

Click here to view the embedded video.

For all you Stanley Kubrick/70s porno fans out there, be sure to check out 2069: A Sex Odyssey, where “a mission of survival turns into an orgy of interplanetary love.”

Privates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Hole

Not sure if this one even exists, but it made the list for “Jenna Jameson as Johnny Depp”

Whore of the Rings (2001)

Instead of making you invisible while simultaneously drawing the attention of Lord Sauron and his nine ringwraiths, the ring from this flick turns the bearer into an insatiable nymphomaniac and a horrible, horrible actor.  Horny dwarfs and tree blowjobs make Whore of the Rings a hilarious journey into the bumhole of Middle Earth.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Big Lebowski XXX (2010)

Zero creativity on the name, but they get full points for staying as true to the original script as possible.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Edward Penishands (1991)

Easily my favorite porn title, right up there with “Schindler’s Fist”, comes the tale of a young Goth with two giant penises for hands.  A door-to-door dildo saleswoman finds him, recognizes his potential for pleasure and brings him home. His maker certainly had a twisted sense of humour, but had he not died before finishing his ultimate creation, the world would have been extremely bored with Edward Hands Hands.  So while young Edward was terrible at giving haircuts, there were many other ways he could keep the neighborhood ladies giggling.

Porn Wars: Episode I

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the trailer to the sexiest Star Wars parody ever filmed.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It is at this point I would love for you to share some of your favorite Hollywood porn parody titles in the comments section.

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Truth is there have been plenty of gorgeous women who’ve broken the law, and it gives us great pride to present our list of the hottest criminals we wish we could have cuffed ourselves.

Lindsay Lohan

Crime: Two DUIs in 2007.  Multiple probation violations in 2010.

Sentence: 90 days in jail with rehabilitation.

Carmen Electra

Crime: Trying to beat up Dennis Rodman.

Sentence: $2,500 fine and a restraining order.

Yasmine Bleeth

Crime: Cocaine possession and DUI.

Sentence: 100 hours of community service and two years of probation.

Naomi Campbell

Crime: In 2000 she assaulted her assistant with a hotel telephone.  In 2005 she slapped her assistant with a Blackberry. In 2006 she attacked her housekeeper with a jewel-encrusted mobile phone. She beat up a few more people in 2008 and 2009 including her limo driver and a police officer (perhaps waiting for them atop a hunting tree stand armed with cell phones in each hand, ready for grenade launch) and this year she’s being questioned as a possible war criminal, having allegedly accepted a blood diamond from a Liberian Warlord.  When asked about it during an interview with ABC, she assaulted the camera.

Sentence: Hundreds of hours of community service, hundreds of dollars in medical bills, anger management courses, and she is banned from flying with British Airways.

Paris Hilton

Crime: Being disgustingly rich and famous while not contributing a single thing towards the betterment of humankind.  Releasing a lousy sex tape.  Oh, and repeatedly violating her 2006 DUI probation.

Sentence: Probation and a $1,500 fine for the DUI, 45 days in jail for the violations.

Nicole Richie

Crime: Possession of drugs, driving with a suspended license, DUI, and driving her Mercedes onto a freeway exit ramp in the wrong direction.

Sentence: 4 days in jail, of which she served only 82 minutes.

Heather Locklear

Crime: Okay, we’ll give you a hint:  it rhymes with dee you eye.

Sentence: 3 years of probation and $700 fine.

Winona Ryder

Crime: Stealing our hearts in Edward Scissorhands, and stealing $5,500 worth of clothing and accessories from Saks Fifth Avenue department store.

Sentence: Over $10,000 in fines and restitution to Saks, 480 hours of community service, 3 years of probation, and psychological and drug counseling.

Kim Delaney

Crime: You know, if it wasn’t for all these DUIs, there would only be two names on this list!

Sentence: $300 fine, two years of probation.

Mischa Barton

Crime: Arrested for DUI, possession of marijuana and driving without a valid driver’s license.  The drug possession charge was dropped.

Sentence: After paying $10,000 to get out of jail, she was sentenced to community service and a small fine.

Laura Zúñiga

Crime: Finally, a cool crime!  This Mexican model and beauty queen was arrested along with her boyfriend, Ángel Orlando García Urquiza, an alleged leader of  the Juárez Cartel, a Mexican drug cartel. His seven goons were captured by the Mexican military with illegal guns and over $50, 000 in cold hard cash.

Sentence: She was released from a detention center when no evidence could be found linking her to the crimes, but the Miss Mexico crown she had won at a pageant in 2009 was taken away from her.

Debra Jean Beasley( formerly Debra Lafave)

Crime: Showing a 14-year old student the time of his life and welcoming him to the wild world of manhood.  Or as the state of Florida called it, statutory rape.

Sentence: 3 years of house arrest with 7 years of probation.

“You know that 14-year old kid from Florida who had sex with his English teacher?  Well he died this morning…from hi-fiving.”

- Zach Galifiankis

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Not everyone can be Halle Berry Swordfish! Plus-size women have larger bust-waist-hip measurements than the skinnies, fitting into clothes sized 14 and up.  So for all the men out there who love a little meat on them bones, and for all the ladies who think size 0 is the new 1, may we present 15 of the hottest plus-sized girls on the planet.

Christina Hendricks

When I crammed 3 seasons of Mad Men into my bloodstream over the course of 2 weeks, not only could I not peel my eyes away from the TV every single second Christina Hendricks was on screen, but even when I would close my eyes, her red hair and crazy curves were burned into my brain.

Mia Tyler

Daughter to Aerosmith’s lead man Steven Tyler and actress Cyndria Foxe, Mia is not only a sexy plus-size model, but she’s also clothing designer, actress and producer.  She’s appeared on reality TV shows, has been featured in many magazines, and recently completed her autobiography, Creating Myself.  Love the tats!

Kate Dillon

At age 12, Kate Dillon’s classmates used to jump up and down on the bus chanting “Overweight Kate! Overweight Kate!”  She responded by starving herself over the next 5 years, and only when she was dangerously underweight did she get noticed by the fashion industry.  Realizing she was ruining her health,  Kate started eating again.

Toccara Jones

I don’t often use the words “Dayamn girl!” but in Toccara’s case,  DAYAMN GIRL!  This fashion model from Ohio came in 7th place during season 3 of America’s Next top model, where AOL entertainment voted her as one of the show’s most memorable contestants.

For more Jones junk check out her tribute video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Charlotte Coyle

Oh Charlotte Coyle, the pipes, the pipes are growing.  Hailing from Derry in Northern Ireland, this bodacious beauty was featured in a documentary called Fat Beauty Contest, where she put together Britain’s first beauty contest for plus-size women.

Maggie Brown

More than just a pretty face and a curvalicious body, the Asian-American fashion model who grew up in Hawaii earned a degree in biology no less, allied health, and holds a secondary teaching certificate from Southern Adventist University.  In 2006 Tyra Banks held a “Thick and Sexy Top Model Contest” during the Tyra Banks Show, and Maggie took first place.

Whitney Thompson

Before winning the 10th cycle of America’s Next Top Model, Whitney appeared on the cover of Jacksonville Magazine 4 times in 3 years.  She was also on the cover of Plus Model Magazine in January to kick off 2010.

Barbera Brickner

During a singing contest in Seattle, this size 12 bombshell was approached by one of the judges to be a plus-sized model, to which she flatly refused and left completely offended.  Thankfully for men everywhere, she calmed down and accepted the offer a few weeks later.

Fluvia Lacerda

After eating at a  Brazilian Barbecue restaurant, I was amazed that anyone down there weighs less than a ton.  So much meat, so delicious.  The same can be said for plus sized model Fluvia, which is pretty incredible when you consider the fact that Brazil is the number one country in the world for plastic surgery.  Fortunately she grew up with enough self-esteem to stay natural!

Justine Legault

From Canada with love comes this French femme fatale.  Perfect skin, alluring curves, luscious legs and a beautiful face makes Justine a quadruple threat.

Crystal Renn

Stifler’s mom…err…I mean Jennifer Coolidge

And what plus-sized list would be complete without the world’s greatest MILF?

America Ferrera

In 2007 Time Magazine named her as one of the top artists and entertainers of her time.  That same year she beat out Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Mary-Louise Parker for the Golden Globe Award for best actress on a television series.  Not bad for someone who was picked as the lead role in a show called “Ugly Betty.”

Sara Ramirez

You probably know this spicy senorita best by her role as Callie Torez on Grey’s Anatomy.  The multi-talented Mexian-American actress and singer has appeared on Broadway, where she won a Tony Award for Spamalot, she was the voice of Lammy in the PlayStation game UmJammer Lammy, and she’s played smaller roles on several television shows and movies.

Lizzie Miller

When the photo of this 20-year old model, the one where she was in her birthday suit in Glamour Magazine, with a non-airbrushed or photoshopped tummy roll exposed to the world, the magazine’s website was flooded with emails and comments, all bearing the same message: She’s beautiful!

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