This Ain’t Avatar XXX

It was only a matter of time before the porn industry jumped on the 3D bandwagon, with Hustler completing its production of This Ain’t Avatar XXX, a parody of the James Cameron sci-fi sensation.  Not very creative with their titles, last year they made their own version of J.J.Abrams’ latest edition to the Roddenberry franchise called This Ain’t Star Trek XXX. Hustler’s latest project is the most expensive adult film ever created and will be released this fall on Blu-ray in 3D. It features porn stars in full Na’vi makeup, who will certainly be wrapping more than their pony tails around each other in exotic and erotic locations.

This of course isn’t the first time someone has made an adult version of Cameron’s work, as was the case with 2001’s Titanic Tits.  It’s also not the first film to bring the hot action in 3D.  Earlier this year, James Bone added his third dimension to the film that needed no name change, Octopussy 3D.

Clockwork Orgy

No male pervert is safe with little Alex and her gang of vicious yet sexy ladies roaming the streets.

Click here to view the embedded video.

For all you Stanley Kubrick/70s porno fans out there, be sure to check out 2069: A Sex Odyssey, where “a mission of survival turns into an orgy of interplanetary love.”

Privates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Hole

Not sure if this one even exists, but it made the list for “Jenna Jameson as Johnny Depp”

Whore of the Rings (2001)

Instead of making you invisible while simultaneously drawing the attention of Lord Sauron and his nine ringwraiths, the ring from this flick turns the bearer into an insatiable nymphomaniac and a horrible, horrible actor.  Horny dwarfs and tree blowjobs make Whore of the Rings a hilarious journey into the bumhole of Middle Earth.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Big Lebowski XXX (2010)

Zero creativity on the name, but they get full points for staying as true to the original script as possible.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Edward Penishands (1991)

Easily my favorite porn title, right up there with “Schindler’s Fist”, comes the tale of a young Goth with two giant penises for hands.  A door-to-door dildo saleswoman finds him, recognizes his potential for pleasure and brings him home. His maker certainly had a twisted sense of humour, but had he not died before finishing his ultimate creation, the world would have been extremely bored with Edward Hands Hands.  So while young Edward was terrible at giving haircuts, there were many other ways he could keep the neighborhood ladies giggling.

Porn Wars: Episode I

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the trailer to the sexiest Star Wars parody ever filmed.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It is at this point I would love for you to share some of your favorite Hollywood porn parody titles in the comments section.

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Truth is there have been plenty of gorgeous women who’ve broken the law, and it gives us great pride to present our list of the hottest criminals we wish we could have cuffed ourselves.

Lindsay Lohan

Crime: Two DUIs in 2007.  Multiple probation violations in 2010.

Sentence: 90 days in jail with rehabilitation.

Carmen Electra

Crime: Trying to beat up Dennis Rodman.

Sentence: $2,500 fine and a restraining order.

Yasmine Bleeth

Crime: Cocaine possession and DUI.

Sentence: 100 hours of community service and two years of probation.

Naomi Campbell

Crime: In 2000 she assaulted her assistant with a hotel telephone.  In 2005 she slapped her assistant with a Blackberry. In 2006 she attacked her housekeeper with a jewel-encrusted mobile phone. She beat up a few more people in 2008 and 2009 including her limo driver and a police officer (perhaps waiting for them atop a hunting tree stand armed with cell phones in each hand, ready for grenade launch) and this year she’s being questioned as a possible war criminal, having allegedly accepted a blood diamond from a Liberian Warlord.  When asked about it during an interview with ABC, she assaulted the camera.

Sentence: Hundreds of hours of community service, hundreds of dollars in medical bills, anger management courses, and she is banned from flying with British Airways.

Paris Hilton

Crime: Being disgustingly rich and famous while not contributing a single thing towards the betterment of humankind.  Releasing a lousy sex tape.  Oh, and repeatedly violating her 2006 DUI probation.

Sentence: Probation and a $1,500 fine for the DUI, 45 days in jail for the violations.

Nicole Richie

Crime: Possession of drugs, driving with a suspended license, DUI, and driving her Mercedes onto a freeway exit ramp in the wrong direction.

Sentence: 4 days in jail, of which she served only 82 minutes.

Heather Locklear

Crime: Okay, we’ll give you a hint:  it rhymes with dee you eye.

Sentence: 3 years of probation and $700 fine.

Winona Ryder

Crime: Stealing our hearts in Edward Scissorhands, and stealing $5,500 worth of clothing and accessories from Saks Fifth Avenue department store.

Sentence: Over $10,000 in fines and restitution to Saks, 480 hours of community service, 3 years of probation, and psychological and drug counseling.

Kim Delaney

Crime: You know, if it wasn’t for all these DUIs, there would only be two names on this list!

Sentence: $300 fine, two years of probation.

Mischa Barton

Crime: Arrested for DUI, possession of marijuana and driving without a valid driver’s license.  The drug possession charge was dropped.

Sentence: After paying $10,000 to get out of jail, she was sentenced to community service and a small fine.

Laura Zúñiga

Crime: Finally, a cool crime!  This Mexican model and beauty queen was arrested along with her boyfriend, Ángel Orlando García Urquiza, an alleged leader of  the Juárez Cartel, a Mexican drug cartel. His seven goons were captured by the Mexican military with illegal guns and over $50, 000 in cold hard cash.

Sentence: She was released from a detention center when no evidence could be found linking her to the crimes, but the Miss Mexico crown she had won at a pageant in 2009 was taken away from her.

Debra Jean Beasley( formerly Debra Lafave)

Crime: Showing a 14-year old student the time of his life and welcoming him to the wild world of manhood.  Or as the state of Florida called it, statutory rape.

Sentence: 3 years of house arrest with 7 years of probation.

“You know that 14-year old kid from Florida who had sex with his English teacher?  Well he died this morning…from hi-fiving.”

- Zach Galifiankis

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Plus-size women have larger bust-waist-hip measurements than the skinnies, fitting into clothes sized 14 and up.  So for all the men out there who love a little meat on them bones, and for all the ladies who think size 0 is the new 1, may we present 15 of the hottest plus-sized girls on the planet.

Christina Hendricks

When I crammed 3 seasons of Mad Men into my bloodstream over the course of 2 weeks, not only could I not peel my eyes away from the TV every single second Christina Hendricks was on screen, but even when I would close my eyes, her red hair and crazy curves were burned into my brain.

Mia Tyler

Daughter to Aerosmith’s lead man Steven Tyler and actress Cyndria Foxe, Mia is not only a sexy plus-size model, but she’s also clothing designer, actress and producer.  She’s appeared on reality TV shows, has been featured in many magazines, and recently completed her autobiography, Creating Myself.  Love the tats!

Kate Dillon

At age 12, Kate Dillon’s classmates used to jump up and down on the bus chanting “Overweight Kate! Overweight Kate!”  She responded by starving herself over the next 5 years, and only when she was dangerously underweight did she get noticed by the fashion industry.  Realizing she was ruining her health,  Kate started eating again.

Toccara Jones

I don’t often use the words “Dayamn girl!” but in Toccara’s case,  DAYAMN GIRL!  This fashion model from Ohio came in 7th place during season 3 of America’s Next top model, where AOL entertainment voted her as one of the show’s most memorable contestants.

For more Jones junk check out her tribute video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Charlotte Coyle

Oh Charlotte Coyle, the pipes, the pipes are growing.  Hailing from Derry in Northern Ireland, this bodacious beauty was featured in a documentary called Fat Beauty Contest, where she put together Britain’s first beauty contest for plus-size women.

Maggie Brown

More than just a pretty face and a curvalicious body, the Asian-American fashion model who grew up in Hawaii earned a degree in biology no less, allied health, and holds a secondary teaching certificate from Southern Adventist University.  In 2006 Tyra Banks held a “Thick and Sexy Top Model Contest” during the Tyra Banks Show, and Maggie took first place.

Whitney Thompson

Before winning the 10th cycle of America’s Next Top Model, Whitney appeared on the cover of Jacksonville Magazine 4 times in 3 years.  She was also on the cover of Plus Model Magazine in January to kick off 2010.

Barbera Brickner

During a singing contest in Seattle, this size 12 bombshell was approached by one of the judges to be a plus-sized model, to which she flatly refused and left completely offended.  Thankfully for men everywhere, she calmed down and accepted the offer a few weeks later.

Fluvia Lacerda

After eating at a  Brazilian Barbecue restaurant, I was amazed that anyone down there weighs less than a ton.  So much meat, so delicious.  The same can be said for plus sized model Fluvia, which is pretty incredible when you consider the fact that Brazil is the number one country in the world for plastic surgery.  Fortunately she grew up with enough self-esteem to stay natural!

Justine Legault

From Canada with love comes this French femme fatale.  Perfect skin, alluring curves, luscious legs and a beautiful face makes Justine a quadruple threat.

Crystal Renn

Stifler’s mom…err…I mean Jennifer Coolidge

And what plus-sized list would be complete without the world’s greatest MILF?

America Ferrera

In 2007 Time Magazine named her as one of the top artists and entertainers of her time.  That same year she beat out Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Mary-Louise Parker for the Golden Globe Award for best actress on a television series.  Not bad for someone who was picked as the lead role in a show called “Ugly Betty.”

Sara Ramirez

You probably know this spicy senorita best by her role as Callie Torez on Grey’s Anatomy.  The multi-talented Mexian-American actress and singer has appeared on Broadway, where she won a Tony Award for Spamalot, she was the voice of Lammy in the PlayStation game UmJammer Lammy, and she’s played smaller roles on several television shows and movies.

Lizzie Miller

When the photo of this 20-year old model, the one where she was in her birthday suit in Glamour Magazine, with a non-airbrushed or photoshopped tummy roll exposed to the world, the magazine’s website was flooded with emails and comments, all bearing the same message: She’s beautiful!

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Danica McKellar (Winnie Cooper/Math Superstar)

A UCLA graduate, McKellar majored in mathematics and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book Math Doesn’t Suck: How to Survive Middle-School Math without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail, encouraging girls in middle school to enjoy and succeed at mathematics.

Olivia Munn (Tech-Geek/Videogame Host)

Lisa Olivia Munn is every fanboy’s dream come true. Munn has co-hosted Attack of the Show! on the G4 network, a network devoted entirely to the world of video games and video game lifestyle since 2006. She also hosted Microsoft’s Bing-a-thon, an advertisement on Hulu for the Microsoft search-engine Bing.

Jade Raymond (Ubisoft President)

Born in Montreal, Jade Raymond is a Canadian video game executive and a host of G4’s program The Electric Playground. Raymond considers herself an avid gamer and in July of 2009, was named President of Ubisoft Toronto studio.

Cindy Crawford (Model/Chemical Engineering Student)

Before becoming America’s most renowned supermodel, Cindy Crawford, won an academic scholarship to study chemical engineering at Northwestern University. She attended for one semester but dropped out to pursue her modeling career.  And thank Gad she did! For those of you who love geek models, you might enjoy our post on the Hottest Women in the World:  Plus-Sized Edition.

Felicia Day (The Guild /World of Warcraft Geek)

Felicia has starred and guest-starred in several geek-worshipped shows like Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and of course the online sensation The Guild to which she is the star, script writer and producer of. She also translated the show into a comic book series, and is a member of the Board of Directors of the International Academy of Web Television.

Mila Kunis (That 70’s Show/World of Warcraft Geek)

A geek girl after our own heart, not only was she the voice of Meg on Family Guy but would you believe that Mila Kunis plays WoW??

Watch her talk about her WoW addiction on Jimmy Kimmel:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Kari Byron (Professional Myth Debunker)

Brains and beauty, Kari Byron is part of the construction team on the popular Discovery Channel show Mythbusters.

Morgan Webb (Videogame Host)

First appearing on TechTV (now the G4 network), she is one of the hottest co-hosts to ever hit the geek scene.

Asia Carrera (Pornstar/Mensa member)

Perhaps best known for her adult film career, this sex bomb, studied piano as a child, performing at Carnegie Hall twice before the age of 15; won a full academic scholarship to Rutgers University and is a member of Mensa. She has been a guest reviewer for Maximum PC magazine and is an outspoken atheist stating “I’ve always been an atheist; science explains everything.”

Jessica Nigri (Cosplay Geek)

We don’t know much about her, but what we do know is that she is the hot Pikachu girl from Comic-Con 2009.

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Boardwalk Empire- HBO

Created by: Terence Winter (The Sopranos) (based on the novel Boardwalk Empire: The Birth, High Times and Corruption of Atlantic City by Nelson Johnson)
Executive Producers: Martin Scorsese, Mark Wahlberg, Terence Winter
Starring: Steve Buscemi, Michael Pitt, William Hill, Gretchen Mol
Premiering: September 2010

Said to be HBO’s most ambitious project since The Sopranos- Broadwalk Empire is set in 1920s Atlantic City, N.J. and contains all the juicy elements of Atlantic City’s dark past, when gangsters, political corruption and crime ruled at the onset of the prohibition. Not only did this show have me at “Buschemi”, Scorsese directs the pilot episode and will remain very involved throughout the series. Following the life and times of Enoch “Nucky” Johnson (played by Buschemi), Johnson is the second of three bosses who headed the Republican machine that controlled Atlantic City and Atlantic County governments over a 70-year period. This will surely be a vivid history lesson, never missing a moment of action.

Boardwalk Empire Trailer

Click here to view the embedded video.

Treme- HBO

Created by: David Simon, Eric Overmyer (Homicide: Life on the Street, The Wire)
Executive Producers: David Simon, Eric Overmyer, Nina Noble
Starring: Steve Zhan, Rob Brown, Melissa Leo, Wendell Pierce and John Goodman
Premiering: April 11, 2010- 10 pm

A look into the lives of musicians, chefs and other New Orleanians affected by Hurricane Katrina three months after the devastating event. Trying to rebuild their lives and homes, the show centers around New Orleans’ unique culture, captured with music that Baltimore Sun columnist, David Zurawik “has never heard used as organically, wisely and powerfully” as it is on this new HBO drama. Though a fictional account, the show’s creators collaborated with Tom Piazza, the author of the non-fiction book Why New Orleans Matters, Lolis Eric Elie, Times-Picayune reporter and writer of the documentary Faubourg Treme: The Untold story of Black New Orleans, to portray as accurately as possible the true story of New Orleans, post-Katrina.

UPDATE: This show is getting great reviews and is a good reason to start watching TV again. Be sure to check out watch-treme.com, it’s a great source to Watch Treme online

Treme Trailer

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Walking Dead- AMC

Created by: Frank Darabont
Executive Producer: Frank Darabont
Starring: The only cast that has been officially announced is Jon Bernthal as Shane, although Jonny Lee Miller (Hackers, Trainspotting) is currently the front-runner to play the lead character Rick Grimes
Premiering: October 2010

Set to premiere during AMC’s Fearfest, (an annual thriller and horror blockbuster marathon) The Walking Dead is based on the comic book series written by Robert Kirkman about police officer Rick Grimes, who leads a group of survivors after a zombie apocalypse. Although a zombie-themed book, the stories are really about the people, their relationships and their development while trying to cope with a world overrun by zombies. The show is written, directed and executive produced by Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile).

No Trailer Available Yet

Untitled Alien Invasion Project-TNT

Created by: Robert Rodat (Saving Private Ryan), Steven Spielberg
Executive Producers: Steven Spielberg, Justin Falvey, Darryl Frank
Producer: DreamWorks Television
Starring: Noah Wyle (ER)
Premiering: 2011

Sci-fi fans have been in need of a good post-apocolyptic alien show, but they may have to wait another year until the man who brought us E.T. unleashes the still “untitled alien invasion project”. The show takes place six months after aliens have invaded the planet and wiped out nearly every living thing, with only a rag-tag group of soldiers and civilians left trying to find other survivors and fight the occupying alien force. The show will star Noah Wyle (ER) as Tom Mason, a former college history professor who becomes the reluctant leader of one of the resistance groups. TNT’s executive-producer says, “This series has the potential to be one of the most exciting and provocative shows on television.”

No trailer available

The Frozen Planet

Created by: BBC Natural History Unit
Producers: BBC, Discovery Channel
Narrated by: David Attenborough
Premiering: Winter 2010/2011

Being a total sucker for BBC’s nature documentaries, my knees are weak just thinking about the new seven-part Frozen Planet series, set to come out in winter 2010/2011. Focusing on life in the Arctic and Antarctic, The Frozen Planet is being billed as a sequel to the award-winning The Blue Planet (2001) and Planet Earth (2006) and will center on the challenges facing polar bears, Arcitc wolves, adelie penguins and wandering albatross.

Excerpt from The Blue Planet:

Click here to view the embedded video.

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Several factors have contributed to Montreal’s ability to produce award-winning bands, singers and musicians alike. For starters Montreal has some of the lowest rent for apartments and rehearsal spaces in North America. Combine this with thousands of coffee shops, restaurants, bars and clubs, and suddenly you have a hotbed where musicians can work and afford to live in the city, while honing their talents and evolving as artists. Also, with several internationally renowned colleges and universities in the downtown area alone, students from all over the world can develop fanatical loyalty to up and coming musicians, as they spill into the smaller venues and bars for cheap beer and live music.

Bars

Bars like Brewtopia and Grumpey’s are often filled with local musicians, and offer the new and experienced alike the chance to showcase their skills during open mic nights, all leading up to headlining bands on the weekends. You could also squeeze into Barfly on St-Laurent, where The Dears and The Wolf Parade have rocked out to 65 people cheering as if they were 650. I was recently watching the Ladies of the Canyon at The Green Room, a cozy artist’s bar up in Mile End. The room was packed, the beer was cold, and the singing was extraordinary. There are plenty of small shows like this all over the city, all you have to do is look.

Larger Venues

In my humble opinion the best venues are the slightly larger ones like Metropolis, La Tulip, and Club Soda where I’ve had the pleasure of watching the homegrown talents of Sam Roberts, The Arcade Fire, The Unsettlers, and The United Steel Workers of Montreal. Due to the city’s size, the Montreal music scene has a very community feeling to it. Most of the bands already know each other and many are friends, which offers fans a richer experience during shows, as musical guests will often jump on stage, strap on an extra guitar and sing along. I once hosted a show at Metropolis for Dawson Students Against Violence in 2006, where six bands, headlined by The Stills, put on incredible performances, all to raise money for the Anastasia De Sousa Foundation, in memory of the girl who lost her life during the Dawson shootings. Hanging out with all these young up and comers in the basement greenroom, you certainly felt proud to be part of a show where so many came together to give their time and share their music for a noble cause.

Big Names

Of course, just about every musical superstar from all over the world who passes through Canada has Montreal booked on their calendars. U2, Madonna, Stevie Wonder, and Pearl Jam, to name a tiny few, have all stopped by to sing hello at Montreal’s Bell Centre on a regular basis, with names like Elton John, Billy Joel, No Doubt, Kiss and Metallica printed on upcoming Montreal concert tickets stubs. These huge shows are generally spectacular with incredible sound and dazzling lights, and it’s always a treat to see these larger than life celebrities live, but due to the sheer size of the space I find the Bell Centre lacks a certain intimacy that the smaller venues offer. And with arranged seating and fairly strict security, these shows are a bit tougher to really go nuts and let the music take you. You’ll never see a crowd surfer at the Bell Centre.

Festivals

Which brings me to Montreal’s outdoor music scene. Every Sunday, thousands of Montrealers gather on Mount Royal to listen to the rhythmic poundings of the “Tam tams.” Perfect atmosphere for chilling out, tossing the frisbee, or having a picnic. And for those at the opposite end of the grassroots, hacky-sack spectrum, there’s Piknik Electronik, where DJs spin their Sunday beats, encouraging an entirely different but equally liberating style of outdoor dancing at Parc Jean Drapeau.

Osheaga

This park is actually my favourite concert location. With the Montreal skyline as a backdrop, the sun setting between the skyscrapers and the Molson brewery, you are free to go elbow to elbow with thousands of partying Montrealers in the mosh pit, or you can relax way back on the hill, with beer vendors bringing delicious beer right to you. This park is where 18,000 and I sang along to Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead, the greatest show I’ve ever been to. It is also here where the Osheaga Music Festival takes place every summer. Six stages offering Montrealers some of the best music from local artists, alongside some of the world’s biggest names over the course of a weekend. This year none other than The Beastie Boys, The Roots, Rufus Wainwright, and Coldplay will fill the night air with their beloved songs, making music under the stars in one of the world’s greatest cities.

With too many names to mention in this article, here’s a list (even this list isn’t complete) of Montreal musicians who’ve gone on to make a name for themselves on the international circuit. Here are two interviews and one article which give great summaries of the music scene in Montreal.

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Step 3: Practice

From my experience this is the most helpful tool for overcoming stage fright, for calming your nerves, and for succeeding on stage. You will no doubt be terrified for the entire day before grabbing the mic for the first time. Your stomach will be in knots, your palms will be dripping, and your heart will be pounding. There’s some good news and bad news. The bad news: the nervousness might never go away. Jim Carrey threw up before every single performance. Lewis Black was so shaky that his only way to overcome this was to create a character based on his nervous twitching. I’ve performed over 500 shows and I still need to wear dark clothing to hide the crop circles of sweat that develop under my arms.

Audiences can smell fear. Any stuttering, stumbling on words, fumbling with the microphone wire, or any other signs of weakness will make all the difference between a room full of people laughing and dead silence. The good news: preparation can hide your nervousness. The better you know your material the less scared you’ll appear on stage. Most open mics require you to perform five minutes of material. Make sure you know every second of those five minutes off by heart. Some comics rehearse jokes in front of a mirror, some bounce them off friends, I pace my apartment while talking out loud. Sometimes when I’m walking the streets I’ll be rehearsing jokes, so to avoid looking completely insane to people I’ll pretend to be talking into my cell phone.

The point is to know what you’re going to say and exactly how you’re going to say before you step on the stage. The more prepared you are, the less frightened you’ll be, and the better you’ll be able to handle situations which occur while you’re on stage. If you’re too focused on the words coming out of your mouth, a waitress dropping a glass will ruin you. You’ll forget where you are, you won’t know where to pick up again, and then panic starts to set in. I’ve been in panic mode a few times and let me tell you, not fun. You’re exactly like a deer in headlights, you’re body is frozen and your brain is completely blank. The harder you try to find your next joke, the more elusive any rational thoughts become. So the more you practice at home, the more the material becomes a part of you. You’ll be talking, but your brain will be free to think a few steps ahead and you’ll be able to handle the broken glass, or the microphone cutting out, or a drunk dude flipping backwards off his chair, anything.

Before my first open mic, I knew my five minutes so well you could have yanked me out of a deep sleep and thrown me into a mine field, and I still could have performed it without one stutter.

Rehearsal Tips

-Record yourself while you practice. You’ll be amazed at how much you have to say about certain topics and you don’t want to forget some of the hilarious observations you come up with.

-When rehearsing your stuff, it also helps to hold something in your hand like a marker or a cordless phone, to get yourself used to the feel of a microphone. You’d be surprised how the simple action of taking a mic off its stand or adjusting it to the right height can completely throw you off your game. You might also adopt a more stationary style, in which case you’ll simply stand behind the mic stand, giving you the freedom to incorporate both of your hands into your jokes.

-Time yourself. Write down how much time it takes for each joke, and don’t forget to leave a few seconds in between each one for “laughter.” All together your first set should be timed at about 4:30, leaving space for mishaps and/or laughter. Most comedy clubs have a red light which lets you know when to wrap things up. Make sure you know where it is so you don’t miss it. For a five minute set you might get lit at 4:00 or 4:30, ask whoever’s in charge when they give the light.

Nothing will end your comedy career faster than going over your time. You’re disrespecting everyone else on the show when you hog more stage time than was assigned. Some club owners will ban you for months if you go one minute over. It’s infinitely better to go short than to go long. Even if you’re killing and having the time of your life, when you see the light, wrap things up.

Step 4: Hecklers

For some bizarre reason, when you tell your friends that you’re getting into stand up comedy, the first thing they’ll say is “Cool! I’m totally gonna come see you and heckle.” They’ll even go as far as saying “I’ll bring tomatoes.” Friends are supportive like that. Whenever my accountant friends say stuff to me like that I say “Great! Then on Monday I’ll come to your office and take a dump on your keyboard.”

But heckling is one of any new comic’s greatest fears. But trust me when I tell you that for your first few months you shouldn’t even worry about it. Open mics are generally a supportive atmosphere, and the audience is usually filled with people supporting their friends on stage (minus the tomatoes of course). The host will hopefully tell people to refrain from heckling, and they usually get the crowd to “Show some love and respect for the next comic.”

If, however, you do get some drunk douche bag heckling you, the best thing to do is ignore them. Don’t do what I did the first time I got heckled which was to stop the show and ask the guy to step outside to “talk.” No one felt good after that, least of all me. Hecklers are looking for attention and they don’t deserve yours. It takes years of experience to A) shut these people down without starting a fight B) Maintain a positive atmosphere with the rest of the audience C) Jump back into your material without skipping a beat. The more shows you do and the more you watch professionals handling hecklers, the more confident you’ll become with stepping out of your act to properly handle these situations. Watch how legendary Bill Hicks dealt with a drunk woman, notice how you feel during his “retort,” and then watch how he makes it all better in the end.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Step 5: Just have fun

When I was a rookie comic starting out (I’ve been doing this for a little under five years now, and I’m still considered a rookie!), I would bug all the headliners for advice and tips on being successful, and they would all give me the same frustrating advice: “Just have fun up there!” I would come at them with all these technical questions about punchlines, personas, scenarios and they would always hit me with the same answer. “Just be yourself. Have fun up there!” I would get so annoyed, because I felt like they were avoiding my questions. It took a few years but it finally sunk in. It was right before a high pressure show, I was auditioning for the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, wall to wall people in the club with two judges in the back of the room, and I was a complete stress bag. I couldn’t decide which jokes to tell, which order to tell them in, whether or not I should make last second changes to my jokes, I was a mess. A good friend of mine and a fantastic comic saw me pacing intensely and he placed his hands on my shoulders, looked me dead in the eyes and said “Dude, relax. You know you’re funny, you make people laugh every day. Going up on stage is no different. Just tell your favourite jokes, be yourself, and have fun up there!” I finally got it. It doesn’t always matter what you’re talking about on stage, as long as you’re enjoying yourself. If the audience sees you having a blast, they’ll want to join the party. When you’re happy, you’re relaxed, and when you’re relaxed, you’re not worried about what to say next. Just have fun, and you’ll be the hilarious person that got you into this whole comedy mess in the first place.

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Check your local newspaper for all the comedy clubs in your area, and find out when they hold their “open mic nights.” These are shows where brand new comedians get their starts, and where more seasoned comics test out new material. Go check out some of these shows to get a feel for the room, meet some of the comics, hopefully meet the club owner or manager, and to get a sense of the quality of comedy you’ll be sharing the stage with. There’s usually a list of about ten comedians, ranging anywhere from side-splitting-hilarious to please-shoot-me-in-the-face-brutal, either way you’re bound to be inspired. Ask one of the comics when the best time to call for the open mic bookings are.

Note: Depending on where you live, you should seek out open mic nights in surrounding cities as well. You’ll be travelling all over place someday so you may as well get used to it right off the bat. I’ve driven for as long as 5 hours to showcase 6 minutes of comedy, and I’m sure there are others who’ve gone even further than that.

Step 1: Write everything down

“Sometimes I’ll be in bed, and I’ll have a funny idea. But if I don’t have a pen and paper nearby, I have to convince myself that the idea wasn’t that funny.” – Mitch Hedberg

How many times has a hilarious or fantastic idea popped into your brain, and you tell yourself that you’ll remember it later, only to have it disappear in a cloud of ninja smoke never to be seen again? You’ll never fully realize how frustrating this is until a few months later when you watch from the sidelines as someone else succeeds with your idea. The truth is ideas are a dime a dozen, especially in comedy. And the only way to start turning these ideas into actual dimes is to talk about them on stage as soon as possible. So the very first thing you need to do is to buy yourself a notebook, a pen, and a voice recorder. From now on, anytime anything in your day to day life strikes you as odd, funny, annoying, absurd, scary, infuriating, or even sad, write it down. Record it. Right away! Even if you’re cozy in bed, all wrapped up in your blanky, drifting off into sleepsville with the patter of rain drops gently tapping at your window, WRITE IT DOWN. Oftentimes the most creative ideas pop into your head when you are at your most calm and relaxed. I call these ideas ‘gifts’ because occasionally they are fully formed jokes that are ready for the stage the next day. Hang your notebook around your neck if you have to, but be sure to bring it with you always.

Step 2: Set a date

So you’ve been to some open mics, you’ve started jotting little thoughts down in your notebook, now you need to pick a date for your first appearance on stage. Nothing increases productivity and creates a sense of urgency like a deadline. Once you’ve picked your date invite some friends. This will prevent you from backing out at the last minute, and trust me, you’ll be tempted to! And make sure to invite the “friends no matter what” type of friends. I’m not suggesting that you’re going to stink things up your first time on stage, in fact a lot of first timers are so excited about popping their comedy cherry that they destroy the audience with pure enthusiasm alone, but there’s nothing more uncomfortable and awkward than watching bad comedy, especially when it’s your buddy up there. New friends or acquaintances might see you in a different light after watching you tank in public, and without a strong foundation based on years of friendship, they may not be able to look you in the eyes afterwards. It’s sad but it happens. My friends confessed to me after my first time that they were more nervous for me than I was! They were like “What if he sucks? Who’s going to tell him? Where are we going to move to?” Thankfully I did really well and my friends still return my calls.
Click here for part 2 of the series which covers the final 3 steps: Get Started as a Stand up Comedian

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