Posted by Even though parents say lying is wrong, we can pretty well all attest to having been told complete and utter fabrications to prevent us from behaving badly. Whether it’s to make sure we keep our hands off our privates, finish the brussel sprouts on our dinner plates or not urinate in public pools, the lies our parents make up as they go along prove to be effective, sneaky ways to keep us in check. But just because they’re our parents, doesn’t mean we have to believe everything they say. Here are some of the most outlandish lies your parents might have told you growing up and the earth-shattering truths behind them.
Santa’s coming to town
I found out there was no Santa in grade 1, thanks to my bitch of a teacher who thrived on crushing childhood dreams. Like many kids who have just been informed of the truth about Santa, I developed an impulse for damaging other children by spreading the news.
If you cross your eyes, they will stay like that forever
Crossing your eyes will not affect your eye placement long term. Think about it, when we focus up-close our eyes naturally come together. So, when you cross your eyes you are essentially just exaggerating this natural response. I was told that you would only stay cross-eyed if you kept your eyes crossed and someone smacked you on the back. I decided to test the theory out on my little brother, and I can assure you there is absolutely no harm in crossing your eyes, or crossing your eyes and getting smacked in the back.
Sitting too close to the TV will damage your eyes
Some eye doctors recommend not letting kids get closer than five feet to the TV screen, however, the intention is to prevent eye fatigue, not eye damage.
If you pick your nose your nostril will stretch
Your nostrils will not stretch from picking your nose. The technical name for compulsive booger-digging is rhinotillexomania and aside from grossing out bystanders, picking your nose may actually be good for you. According to Dr. Friedrich Bischinger, a lung specialist in Innsbruck, people who pick their noses with their fingers are “healthier, happier, and more in tune with their bodies”. His argument stems from the notion that exposing the body to the dried germ corpses helps to reinforce the immune system. He feels society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking, and encourage children to take up the habit.
You’ll grow hair on your hands if you touch it. If you keep playing with it, it will fall off
After years of experience I can tell everyone first-hand (pun intended) that your genitals will not fall off if you touch them too much. And no hair will grow either! At least, not on your hands… There is absolutely no harm in masturbating, even a lot of masturbating, unless it is so vigorous that you irritate the skin or if you were to do something really foolish like inserting something into your urethra. But I imagine that must hurt quite a lot.
If you play with your belly button your intestines will fall out
If you avoid putting scissors or sharp objects in your belly button, you should have nothing to worry about.
When I was your age I had to walk 7 miles to get to school…
Really?
You get cooties from kissing
Scientists believe kissing was an evolutionary development to spread and build immunity to germs, so your parents were partially right about cooties. What they didn’t tell you is that you do want them. The term may have originated with references to lice, fleas and other pests. A child is said to “catch” cooties through any form of bodily contact, proximity, or touching of an “infected” person. The phrase is most commonly used by children aged 5–10; however it is also used by many others older than 10 years of age. Girls are most often the carriers of the “disease”.
“Rambo would eat it”
Rambo was probably beefing up on a mixture of protein shakes and steroids.
Thunder is the sound of angel’s bowling and lightning means they just got a STRIKE!
Thunder and lightning have been subject to scientific inquiry for centuries, but to date, no evidence that there is a bowling match going on upstairs has come to light. Scientists have this crazy idea that lightning bolts reach extremely hot temperatures- between 30,000 to 50,000 degrees F. (That’s hotter than the surface of the sun.) When the bolt suddenly heats the air around it to such an extreme, the air instantly expands, sending out a vibration or shock wave we hear as an explosion of sound, i.e. thunder. Then again, what do scientists know?
Babies come from storks
In Western culture, there is a common image of a stork bearing an infant wrapped in cloths held in its beak. Some speculate that because childbirth was difficult to talk about in Victorian times the stork story was a good way to avoid discussion.
Sparky went to doggie heaven
Of course he did…
The crust of the bread is the healthiest part
Researchers in Germany have discovered that the crust of bread is a rich source of antioxidants and may provide a much stronger health benefit than the rest of the bread. Did your parents actually know that or were they just making sure you didn’t waste food?
If you pee in the pool the water will turn red, purple, green or blue
In a survey conducted of 1,000 U.S. citizens, 17% admitted to releasing their liquid excretory product in a swimming pool. Even Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps, has confessed to pool peeing. All to say, no the water will not turn any other color if you pee-pee in it. However, according to an epidemiologist in the division of parasitic diseases at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention “urine in the water causes “respiratory, ocular irritation: red puffy eyes, a cough or an itchy throat”. When swimmers sweat or urinate in the pool water, the bodily fluids combine with the chlorine. It creates chloramines, which causes a strange odor and eye and respiratory irritations for swimmers.
Raw Ramen noodles will give you worms
Top Ramen noodles (like all other kind of Ramen noodles) are precooked and completely safe to eat. Until I was led to believe that my raw noodle consumption would give me worms, my favorite way to eat them as a kid was “raw”. I would find the corner of a brick wall and pulverize the bag without ripping it. Next, I would take the flavor packet, pour it over the broken bits, close up the bag, shake it and enjoy.
If you crack your knuckles you’ll get arthritis
I was told that if I cracked my knuckles I would grow up to have arthritis. Eventually my knuckles would swell up and I would lose my strength and grip. There is no proof that any of this is true, however I have to commend my mother on her cleverness since she has arthritis, and seeing that it is hereditary, I will likely have it too. Arthritis can be caused by various factors including injury, metabolic abnormalities, hereditary factors or infections. As for knuckle cracking the only thing it has been proven to cause is neurologic habit patterns like nail biting.
If you shave your face it will come back darker and thicker
While this would be an encouraging bit of information for boys wanting to grow facial hair, it is also the way I remember my mother trying to deter her little girl from having silky, smooth, touchable legs. Shaving does not stimulate new growth, if it did, those going bald would be shaving afflicted areas to encourage more growth. Shaving hair doesn’t change its thickness or color either. The color, location, thickness and length of hair on your body mainly depend on genetics and hormones. After you shave body hair, it may feel coarse or “stubbly” for a time as it grows out. During this phase, it may be more noticeable — and may appear darker or thicker. But it’s not.
If you eat watermelon seeds, they will grow in your stomach
If you eat watermelon seeds you might choke, but unfortunately you will not have a stomach full of watermelons.
If you swallow your gum it will stay in you for seven years
Pediatric gastroenterologist David Milov claims in a Scientific American article that he can say “with complete certainty” that gum does not stay in you for seven years. Once it’s swallowed, the gum base is subjected to the same treatment as regular food, and after it’s recognized as useless by your digestive system, it goes the same route as any waste product. Seven years is the amount of time, however, that a crime will remain on your record and until you are eligible to apply for a pardon from pardons Canada.
Stop playing with that toad – you’ll get warts on your hand!
Don’t be a worrywart, touching a toad will not give you warts. Those warty looking things on the surface of their skin are simply an accumulation of mucus glands and poison glands. The only chance of anything happening would be if you handled the toad roughly. Then you’ve got a problem. Make a toad angry and it will excrete a bufotoxin, which if ingested could cause intense pain, seizures, cardiac collapse, and even death. But no warts.
If you tell me, I promise I won’t get mad…
Hence the reason we lie. Whoever said the truth will set you free was crazy if they were suggesting you tell your parents the truth. Unless the kind of freedom you’re looking for involves the afterlife…
What lies have your parents told you?
