Highest Five

So my editor approaches me with an exciting new topic for my next article. “Top internet deaths” he tells me, all bright eyed and bushy-tailed. “Kinda morbid don’t you think?” I ask, which is about as close to “please don’t make me write this for the love of god!” as my non-confrontational, cowardly nature will allow. “Are you kidding? It’ll be hilarious.” Of course it will, human roadkill left on the side of the information superhighway; my sides are splitting already.

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Amidst these turbulent economic times, our diets are often at the mercy of our shrunken wallets.  We try to make cutbacks at the grocery store, pinching pennies by replacing name brands with no-name brands, ham with spam, and real cheese with spray cheese.  But why should our taste buds suffer, just because we can no longer afford to bring home the delicious bacon?  Are we to become vegetarians, simply because a head of lettuce is cheaper than the head of a delicious mammal? Heck no!  And with summer right around the corner, it would be a damn shame, a DAMN SHAME to watch your barbecue just sitting there, lid closed, without a single flame to make the beef patties go ‘tsssszzzzz.’ 

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They’ve got the info. You want the info. How does one get a person to give up the info, when said person simply doesn’t wanna? The following is a short guide on how to properly interrogate someone, without the use of car battery clamps or soul shattering water drips.

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For a disease epidemic to achieve the illustrious status of being pandemic, it needs to do a little globetrotting. It needs to spread from person to person, from country to country. Well, with cases of Swine flu, which originated in Mexico, turning up in the U.S., Canada, Spain, New Zealand, the U.K. and the Middle East, the World Health Organization has raised the global pandemic alarm to 4 out of a 6 phase system.

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If any of you have been in a serious relationship during the last few years, for the love of baby Jesus, stay in it! It doesn’t matter how much you’d like to stick your significant other’s head in the microwave on HIGH for 8-10 minutes, it can’t be worse than what the dating scene has become.

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When Olympic athletes get busted for taking drugs to enhance their physical performance they are penalized, stripped of their accomplishments and publicly shamed. So the big question facing doctors, teachers, parents, policy makers, and the media these days is whether or not drugs should be allowed for people to use in order to enhance their cognitive performance.

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Last week I covered Open Mics, Writing Everything down, Setting a date in Get Started as a Stand up Comedian Pt.1 Here is second and final part in the series written by comedian Dan Bingham.

Step 3: Practice

From my experience this is the most helpful tool for overcoming stage fright, for calming your nerves, and for succeeding on stage. You will no doubt be terrified for the entire day before grabbing the mic for the first time. Your stomach will be in knots, your palms will be dripping, and your heart will be pounding. There’s some good news and bad news. The bad news: the nervousness might never go away.

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“I once read that public speaking is people’s number one fear, even above death! That means at a funeral, you’d rather be the one inside the coffin than the one giving the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld

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