Highest Five

Ribs.  Unless they’re slathered with tangy barbecue sauce and served next to some garlic-mashed potatoes, I don’t wanna see ‘em.  It makes me sad to hear that women compare themselves to runway models and the scrawny celebs they see in magazines and feel fat.  They’ll practically starve themselves skinny, forgetting one very important thing:  most men don’t like skinny!  We’re not saying that women should replace their salads with KFC skins and stop exercising. We respect healthy.  But we also love curves, hips, something we can grab onto and never let go!  Seriously ladies, while flipping through the channels and I came across a runway fashion show, felt like I was watching a Tim Burton film: bunch of hollow-eyed, brittle-boned skeletons fluttering across the runway, amazing everyone as their spindly frames withstand the flashing cameras, wearing outfits taken straight out of our darkest nightmares.

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Sorry rest of Canada, sorry if we kept you awake last night.  The truth is, against all odds we just finished beating last year’s Stanley Cup champions, the Pittsburgh Penguins, and we got a little excited about it.  Okay, we got A LOT excited about it.  In case you weren’t watching the NHL Eastern Conference Semi-finals last night, the Montreal Canadiens defeated Sidney Crosby and his Penguins 5-2, and the downtown core of Canada’s sin city erupted into a massive party.  Thousands upon thousands of fans took over Ste-Catherine street to celebrate, and while most were just hockey-loving Habs fans having a good time, there are always a few jackasses at the party.  Penguins jerseys were lit on fire, cars were flipped, store windows were shattered and inevitably tear gas was released, and arrests were made.  Hockey riots are somewhat of a strange tradition, especially since they usually happen when a team wins!

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Sixty-five:  This was the age of retirement selected by Otto von Bismark, the “Iron Chancellor” of Germany during the late 1800s.  As his nickname suggests, he did not pick this number to soften the hearts of the German workforce.  He picked it because by sixty-five the average German worker would be dead.  When the United States followed suit in 1935, the average life expectancy for the working American man was only 61.7 years.  Times have changed.

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One of my biggest fears, is to somehow end up in prison.  I have no idea how that could happen, I’m a fairly law abiding citizen, but if it can happen to Martha Stewart, if someone who builds Christmas trees out of pipe cleaners and love gets thrown in the slammer, then what chance do I have?

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For those of you who don’t remember me, which probably includes all of you, I’m the dude who nearly retreated to the safety of the witness relocation program because a girl I was dating cyberstalked the crap out of me.  You can read all about how a woman, armed with the left click button of a mouse invaded my space here.

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To be honest I couldn’t decide whether to call these the “best” falls in soccer or the “worst.”  They’re the best in terms of how ridiculously fake they are.  These players are the “best” at crumbling when anyone comes within a six meter radius of their delicate selves.  At the same time they are some of the worst attempts to gain advantage in a sport through cheating.  The following clips contain some of the worst acting you’ll ever see, from athletes who are the best at demonstrating how abs of steel do nothing to stop them from wilting like tulip petals. You’ll want a multi-viewer just to judge who’s worse.

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One beautiful summer morning I was upsetting every lazy bone in my body by jogging.  “WTF is this?” they all seemed to cry out as I hit the nature trails in Whistler, British Columbia.  Aside from year round skiers, snowboarders, and mountain bikers, Whistler shares its forests and mountains with another wild creature:  bears.  So on this particular morning when I heard a woman’s scream coming from behind me, which was followed by a large brown furry animal rustling in the bushes I was running past, my body was instantly flooded with those wonderful fight or flight chemicals, while my shorts were filled with a variety of other chemicals.

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I’ve never been a gambler.  Ever since hearing the Kenny Rodgers song as a kid, I never got over the image of a gambler as a cigarette bum with the audacity to drink your last swallow of whiskey.  I didn’t know much, but I knew enough that I didn’t want to grow up like that guy.  Nowadays the only gambling I partake in is when I pay $15 for a movie ticket at the theatres.  Lately it feels like the odds of paying to watch a Hollywood Suckfest are a depressing 10-1.

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When a national disaster occurs, how soon is too soon before one starts hearing the “cha ching” of the cash register in their heads?

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Hard fouling is a part of basketball, especially during playoffs, but sometimes players can take things too far.  This collection of elbows, choke holds and bodyslams goes out to all the football and hockey players who call basketball players “wimpy.”  These giants are some of the most ridiculously monstrous athletes around, and if their arm tattoos aren’t enough to prove just how tough they are, then these clips definitely should.

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