This is not the description of a man.  This is the description of a teenaged frat boy living in a man’s body, not impressing anyone while destroying this poor man’s internal organs.  I blame the fact that I was raised without a father.  No man around to teach me how to change a tire or how not to crumple into a pile of tears in the face of a bully.   I find myself in need of something.  An event.  An obstacle course. A girlfriend to buy diamond earrings for.   Hand-to-hand combat with a sleeping kangaroo.  Anything to set me apart from the immature, irresponsible man-child who nearly set his apartment ablaze while changing a light bulb.

The following are extreme examples of how other cultures separate the men from the boys, many of which separated the smile from my face and the joy from my soul.

Hide and Go Stab

Practically handed a shield, a spear and a pair of crossbows once the umbilical cord was cut. The Spartan boy was taken from his family and trained in the art of war from the tender age of 7.  He is trained to fight and kill for the next 11 years, and once he reaches the age of 18 he undergoes a rite of passage known as the krypteia.  Armed with nothing more than a knife and his arms, he is sent out to kill as many helots (state-owned slaves) as he can and return home without getting caught.

Regular slave to another regular slave:  Could be worse! These fields could be riddled with pimple-faced Spartans just waiting for the chance to jump out of the bushes and shiv you.

Bungee Jumping’s for Suckers

I am proud to say that I have jumped out of an airplane, while it was in the sky.  Okay, well technically the skydiver jumped, I was the quivering mess of a “man” attached to him.  But the point is that I had to courage to let it happen.  I had to testicular fortitude to remain conscious as we fell towards the earth at unbelievable speeds.  Did I scream at frequencies only detectable by dogs and bats?  Yes.  Did my underwear fill to the brim with the evacuated contents of my colon?  Thankfully, no.  Will I ever give bungee jumping a try?  Hells to the no!  I’ll trust a highly skilled professional under a parachute over a giant rubber band any day.  Which is why the land divers of Vanuatu are what medical professional would call “bananas.”
Without a helmet, a crash mat, or a thousand feathered pillows to break their fall, the young men from the Vanuatu archipelago of the South Pacific prove their manliness by jumping from 100-foot wooden towers, with nothing but two tree vines attached to their legs.

The goal is to jump from as high as possible, and stop as close to the ground as possible.  Which means the vines have to be of the perfect length, and the right thickness to support the weight of each jumper.   “The judgments have to be precise. Just 1 ounce too much weight, or 1 inch of dry vine, can cause the vines to snap, slamming the jumper into the ground. A fall can cause serious injury, or even death.” (source)  The manliest of men actually touch the ground, hopefully without shattering their faces.  Umm, no thanks, I’ll just hang out over here, with the girls.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Walkabout

So much more than just a book I was forced to read in high school, and later forced to watch as a movie.  When an aboriginal Australian boy would reach the appropriate age, he was sent on a journey into the desert, alone, for periods lasting up to 6 months.  The Australian desert? Are you shitting me?  I wouldn’t last 6 days in the suburbs!  You know a rite of passage is baddass when your elders hand you a stick, extend their arm, and with a slight grin on their face say “Go ahead, walk.  If you come back, we’ll call you ‘sir’”.

Ant Gloves from Hell

I know what you’re wondering and the answer is “yes,” Ant Gloves from Hell is the greatest band name of all time.  It is also one of the most diabolical tortures-dressed-in-a-rites-of-passage-suit I have ever seen.  Whenever I start complaining that my hair is turning grey or that my love handles are becoming more love handly, I will think of the boys from the Sater-Mawe tribe in the Brazilian Amazon, and I will shut the hell up.

Hanging the Mandans

Have you ever been in so much pain, that you wish you could be knocked unconscious?  Anyone who’s ever rolled an ankle or dislocated their knee knows of the pain I speak.  Now imagine how much pain you’d actually have to be in for your brain to be like “Okay that’s too much, time to shut down”.  It’s quite an amazing gift actually.  Now imagine waking up, the worst of the pain has passed, and then your uncle kicks you in the balls.  This is sort of what the young men from the Native American Mandan tribe had to endure before they were considered true warriors.  First they would fast for three days.  Then they would have wooden splints pierced through their back, their chest and their shoulders, from which they would then be hoisted towards the ceiling on ropes.  Eventually, the warrior-to-be’s brain would grant him the sweet sleep that comes from the pain and loss of blood.  But wait, it gets better!  When the boy wakes up, his pinky finger is chopped off as an offering to the gods.  But wait, it gets better!  The man would then have to run around as the other men of the village ripped out the splints, and not from where they were entered, but from the other side, causing extra damage, making him an extra man.

Mardudjara Manginas

I am extremely thankful that my foreskin was removed when I was tough enough to handle it and baby enough not to remember it.  Not so fortunate are the 15-16-year old boys from the Australian aboriginal Mardudjara tribe.  During their coming of age ceremonies, two tribal moyles slice off the kid’s junk hood.  The elders would then tell the boy to close his eyes and open his mouth, at which point they would feed him his own shaft sleeve.  Once swallowed, they would tell him what he just ate, and that he will now grow up to be strong.  A few months later, just as he started to lose his awkward limp and learned how to smile again, the boy is once again abducted by the people he has come to call “Those f**king a**hole c**k mun**ing s**t squat***ers!”  They drag him to a nearby fire,and with one elder sitting on his chest holding his boy bits, and with one stick jammed in his pee tube to brace the tip of a blade against, a second elder slices his sausage open from tip to scrote.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go vomit my skeleton into a wastebasket now.

Okay, I’m back…now wait, there’s more…

Alright I’m really back this time.  The boy is now considered a man, even though he now has to squat whenever he pees.

I’d love to hear a Mardudjara and a Jew discussing their rites of passage into manhood.

Jew: When I was 13 I had to read from a book, I was thrown a giant party and then handed a giant sack filled with cash.  What did you have to do?

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Film

Julianne Moore (The Big Lebowski, Boogie Nights, Children of Men)

Emma Stone (Superbad, Zombieland)

Rose McGowan(Machete, Planet Terror, Death Proof)

Isla Fisher (Wedding Crashers, Definitely Maybe)

Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village, Terminator Salvation)

Television

Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)

Laura Prepon (That 70’s Show)

Debra Messing (Will and Grace)

Kate Walsh (Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice)

Alicia Witt ( Spanning across many categories: Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, Dune, she is also a singer and a classically trained pianist)

Sports

Christina Hemme (Model, singer, dancer,WWE wrestler)

Erica Jenkins (Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader)

Angelica Bridges (TV actress, lingerie football player)

Emily Samuelson (Ice dancer)

Jeannie Buss (Executive Vice President of Business Operations of the Lakers, and daughter of Jerry Buss, Lakers’ owner)

Music

Geri Halliwell (Spice Girls, solo singer)

Melissa Auf Der Maur (Basist, Hole, Smashing Pumkins)

Simone Simons (Singer, Epica)

Natasha Hamilton (Atomic Kittens, solo singer/songwriter)

Florence Welsh (Singer, Florence + the Machine)

The Classics

Rita Hayworth (Circus World, Dante’s Inferno)

Lucille Ball (I Love Lucy)

Tina Louise (Gilligan’s Island)

Judy Garland (The Wizard of Oz, A Star is Born)

Maureen O’Hara ( Lady Godiva of Coventry, The Quiet Man)

Vampires

Deborah Ann Woll (Jessica Hanby in True Blood)

Evan Rachel Wood (Sophie-Anne Leclerq in True Blood)

Rachelle Lefevre (Victoria in Twilight and Twilight Saga:New Moon)

Whoever the hell this is

Actresses who played vampires as children, then grew up into age-appropriate hotties

Kirsten Dunst (Interview With the Vampire, Spiderman I-III)

So there you have it folks. For all those Felicia Day fans out there, I didn’t add her to the list because we’ve already included her in our Most Beautiful Women in the World: Sexy Geeks Edition. Feel free to post your favorite redhead in the comments section. I’m off to take a cold shower now.

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I blame the fact that North America is still a young continent when compared to the rest of the world, so we’re still trying to figure things out. Despite what you might find on YouPorn, slapping a girl in the face with your meat hammer while firing your gooey tadpoles up her nose is not the path to sexual enlightenment. There are things we can learn from ancient civilizations in places like India, Asia, and apparently Poland. The following are just a few tips we can learn to enhance our sex lives, to increase the intensity of our orgasms, and how to crank our partner’s pleasure meters up to an 11.

Tantra

Born in India over 6,000 years ago and spread throughout East and Southeast Asia, Tantra’s purpose is to “achieve complete control of oneself, and of all the forces of nature, in order to attain union with the cosmos and with the divine.” The word itself means “to manifest, to expand, to show and to weave”, and when taken in a sexual context Tantra can expand your consciousness while weaving the vast differences between men and women into a harmonious unit. It’s also a path towards killer orgasms.

-Tantric sex starts way before the two of you are naked in the laundry room sticking tongues down each others’ throats. It starts with sharing moments of intimacy on a regular basis. This can be as simple as listening to music together, reading poetry to each other, communicating your loves and desires with each other. Intimacy is not something that just happens between two people, it needs to be nurtured.

- In Tantra there is no defined beginning or end, just an endless circle of sexual harmonization, which before any physical contact is established, starts with the harmonization of breath. One method to achieve this is to sit cross-legged across from your partner, dressed or buck, and without touching or talking just stare into each others’ eyes while synchronizing your inhales and exhales. This will be super awkward at first, especially if you’re nude, but the more you do this the more comfortable you will become, and the closer you will feel with your partner. The goal is to sit there for 10 minutes.

- Foreplay is HUGE in Tantric land. This involves more than just kissing and licking and punching. It also and most importantly involves communicating. Sex moves that worked on your last partner won’t necessarily work on your present one. I once dated a girl who loved having her inner thigh bitten…hard! Thinking all women loved this, I tried it on my next girlfriend. She screamed and punched me right in my non-communicating head. Talk to each other. Where do you want to be kissed? Are your ears sensitive? Do you like thinks delicate and gentle or do you like a little blood? It takes about 20 minutes for a woman to achieve an orgasm, but most sexual encounters only last 10-15. This is extremely frustrating. A man’s orgasm sometimes happens before the pants even come off. This might sound counter intuitive, but take your mind off the orgasm, dudes especially. Just focus on pleasing your partner, giving yourselves a full hour or 2 to really explore each other. When “getting there” is not the focus, you’ll be surprised how many orgasms can happen in an afternoon.

- Keep building the tension slowly. Once the in/out in/out has started, men will often pop their weasel long before the woman is even close. But during foreplay and pressure building, a man can last extremely long, and will in turn develop stronger pubococcygeus muscles. Aside from being one of my least favourite words, the pubococcygeus muscle lines the pelvic floor and is responsible for controlling pee, and contracts during orgasm. It is this muscle that you can strengthen using Kegal exercises, which will help keep you from erupting like Mount Vesuvius.

Orgasm and ejaculation are not one and the same in Tantric sex. If you want to learn the mysterious ways of how to have an orgasm without the mess, you can read this article.

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ENTER YOUR BRAIN

YOUR BRAIN: So, what on earth are you going to say to this girl?
YOU: Well, I don’t know. I’ll start with hello.
YOUR BRAIN: Yeah nice, that’ll win her over! In case you haven’t noticed, everyone in the coffee shop is actually paying attention to your every move.  They’ll laugh at you.  She’ll laugh at you.  See that dude in the corner? He’ll actually throw a muffin at you.
YOU: But I’ve never felt an attraction this strong, I really should say something.
YOUR BRAIN: You’re not her type. You’ll embarrass yourself.
YOU: But…
YOUR BRAIN: She probably has a boyfriend anyway.
YOU: (sigh) Yeah, you’re probably right.  She’d never dig me.  I’ll look like an idiot.

Your BRAIN has drawn negative information from your own supply of fears and insecurities and has gladly provided you with a PowerPoint presentation of all the embarrassing possibilities associated with saying “hi” to this girl.  You haven’t even left your seat but she’s already dumped her bowl of vanilla latte on your head. And so you return to your shell…oops..I mean book, and she walks out of your life forever.  Sound familiar?

How do you feel after these situations, confident? Proud to have maintained your composure in front of these strangers? Or do you feel deflated?  The fire you felt for this girl suffocated, leaving nothing but charred embers of regret, better known as The Should’ves?  My money is on the latter.  And you have once again supplied your BRAIN with more negative information for future PowerPoint presentations.

Before BRAIN showed up on the scene however, someone else had the stage, someone who deserves our undivided attention but rarely gets it: our GUT.  Our GUT not only keeps us alive but it helps guide us along the way.  Whenever we meet new people or encounter decision-worthy situations our GUT is always whispering to us, and ten times out of ten, our GUT is always right.  In the case of the girl in the coffee shop, your GUT was screaming. It can of course be argued that your CROTCH was also making a lot of noise, which is of course true.  But the CROTCH vs. BRAIN battle can go without saying, for the sake of this article lets give your GUT a chance in the ring.
Two major factors will help you to overcome your fear of rejection:1. Trust your GUT  2. Replace the negative info in your BRAIN with positive info.

STEP 1

Unplug yourself.  There are humans everywhere.

In order to hear our GUT we must first put down our cell phones, close our laptops and learn to actually listen when our GUT is speaking. Many of us wouldn’t recognize it if it came swinging at us with a sack of doorknobs. Surrounded by home theatre systems, ear-plugged environmental soundtracks and anonymous internet conversations, it’s little to no wonder why we’re developing difficulties when approaching other humans.

I realize that we are in the age of information and we must therefore spend many hours a day in front of computer screens with various telephone technology attached to our heads.  But if you find that you are unable to maintain decent conversations without the use of yellow-headed emoticons or break dancing Stormtroopers, you will never have the courage to approach a stranger.  I’m not suggesting that you disconnect completely, but every once in while step outside, unplug yourself from everything for at least an hour.  Without distractions become aware of your surroundings and the people around you. This will help to open up the channels between you and your GUT.

NOTE: The next time you go to Starbucks, leave your laptop in its bag for a while.  This will make you seem more approachable to those bravely considering talking to you. Getting picked-up by a woman in public is about as rare as riding bare-back on a unicorn, but it happened to me once in my life and had I been hardwired into technology at the time, she would never have had the nerve.

STEP 2

Establish and maintain eye contact.

“My eyes are up here!”

This is one of the most important steps as it will create a foundation of positive information for your BRAIN to draw info from in the future.  First, when walking down the street, keep your head up.  This not only demonstrates confidence but your peripheral vision will be at its max, and by peripheral vision I mean “Hottie Radar”.

Here’s your assignment:  The next time you go for a walk, try to establish eye contact with anyone walking by. Girl, guy, it does not matter.  You will soon discover that most people are just as insecure as you and are not able to look up.  For the first few tries feel free to look away as soon as your gaze is met.  When you are more comfortable, focus on people you are actually attracted to. So far so good.  The tough part now is to maintain the eye-contact once it’s been established. Every part of you will be dying to look away but you must fight this.   Your confidence will grow and eventually you will be so comfortable you will treat it like a game.  You will actually be testing others to see if they have the balls to hold your gaze.  It’s empowering.  You might even begin to feel sorry for those who walk with their heads down.  Funny, ‘cause that used to be you!

STEP 3

Smile!

If you are living in Canada anywhere outside of Montreal and Toronto, you can probably skip this step.  For the rest of you there is a strange phenomena going on in societies known as “smiling”. Once you’ve gained the skills to force other sidewalkers into eye-contact submission, try throwing a smile their way.  Your first few attempts will be awkward and you will probably frighten people.  Your smile is not genuine yet. But like everything else practice makes perfect.  You will soon discover something about human nature that will blow your socks off:  People will instinctively smile back.  Why instinctively? Because we are social creatures by nature, a fact that has helped us survive on this planet.  Thork would never have been able to warn Grook that he was about to get eaten by a saber-toothed tiger if humans had not developed communication through socializing. Despite what your BRAIN might tell you, no one will get pissed off if you smile at them (unless of course she’s on the arm of her boyfriend at the time).

So the next time your GUT nudges you about a certain someone, throw them a genuine smile.  Not only will they smile back, but they will certainly remember you.

STEP 4

Initiate conversation.

This is the moment when your BRAIN will either give you fuel or put sugar in your gas tank.  When approaching strangers we often play out entire conversations in our head and we become overwhelmed with the thought of messing up, sabotaging ourselves before even saying “hello”.  Let’s take a deep breath, relax. Start small, simple. Ask a stranger for the time (and for Christ’s sake, don’t be wearing a watch when you do this!) and when they tell you feel free to run away.  “Where are the bathrooms?” “Please pass the salt” Anything!  There are no commitments here, you’re just getting used to engaging with strangers. By practicing on people you don’t care about you’ll be a seasoned conversation starter when you finally see someone interesting.

If you’ve made it this far congratulations! But you’re about to lose your water wings and jump into the deep end.  I dare you to walk up to the hottest woman you’ve ever seen and ask her for directions, even if you know full well where you are. Sounds horrifying, but you’ll find that the pressure’s off you because you’re not asking her out on a date, you’re simply asking for help.  She won’t be judging you and you can disengage at any point.  But guess what, you’re in a conversation with the hottest woman you’ve ever seen!  Now when you see the girl in the coffee shop who made your heart want to explode and your palms all sweaty, your BRAIN will remind you of the time you had the guts to approach the beautiful stranger, and you’ll have to courage to follow your GUT.

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Bitch!

Unlike the drinking promise which I usually break in a matter of hours, I’ve stuck to my guns in the no-women department for the last 8 weeks (and no, sticking to my guns is not a masturbation joke.  Unless of course you think it’s funny, in which case, it totally was.) In any case enough time has passed, I have learned absolutely nothing, and I have become interested in human women again.  The only problem is that unless they approach me or I’m completely hammered, I have no clue how to “get with” them.  Thanks to texting, tweeting, Facbooking and IMing, I’ve lost the testicular fortitude required to walk up to a living female and say hello.  So I’m about to start doing what millions of lazy cowards like myself are doing and I’m going to break that terrifying ice from the safety of my apartment, hiding behind a picture and a profile on some form of internet dating site.

My only problem is that I have no idea which one to pick, so I’ve done some research to help me on my quest.  These are some of the more interesting ones I’ve found.

Women Behind Bars

Up until this point I have had very little success with any law-abiding female citizens.  It might be time to give caged criminals a chance. At Women Behind Bars you can pick a penpal from pictures and profiles of incarcerated women in prisons all over America.  And if this doesn’t interest you, you can at least create a tongue twister about it: How many prison penpals from pictures and profiles did Peter Piper pick?

My little cupcake

Undecided about using this site, I turned as I always do to “The Little Jerry” episode of Seinfeld for the answers.  George makes a very strong case for what Kramer describes as “Caged Heat”:

JERRY: You asked her out?
GEORGE: Well…not “out.” She’s in prison.
JERRY: How could you ask her out?
GEORGE: Why not?
JERRY: I remember when you wouldn’t date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn’t want to go over the bridge!
GEORGE: That was different!
JERRY: I’ll say.
GEORGE: Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. And you know how you live in fear of the pop-in?
JERRY (shudders): The pop-in.
GEORGE: Yeah, no pop-in, no “in the neighborhood,” no “I saw your light was on.” And the best part is, if things go really well…
JERRY: Conjugal visit?
GEORGE (giddy): Don’t jinx it!

Trek Passions

What I love about this site is that they want to make absolutely clear that this is a “community site for science fiction lovers, including but not limited to lovers of Star Trek and Star Wars.”  Yes, this will open the doors to all those ladies who touch themselves while reading Foundation and Empire but who hate Ewoks.  I’ve always loved science fiction, but I think I’ll steer clear from a website that has the words “Grok” “Pon Farr” and “Extra” on the front page.

And yes nerds, I know that Pon farr is Swedish for “Horny Vulcans”.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Atlasphere

Wow, of all the authors out there who should have dating sites, Chuck Palahniuk for example, Ayn Rand is certainly the sexiest.  The only reason I’d use this site would be to ask my date what the hell happens after John Galt’s speech in Atlas Shrugged.  Without knowing anything about Ayn Rand and being a huge Greek mythology lover I picked up the book while I was in University.  900 freaking pages into it and there was not one snake-haired, bull-testicled lion monster, not one blood-soaked battle where the gods use humans as chess pieces, not even one mention of Hercules being gay.  Instead there was a speech.  A 70-page speech, of which I could only endure 27.  I have only ever walked out of a movie once (it was Freedom Writers and I won the tickets in a radio contest), and up until that point I had never gotten three quarters of the way through a book, especially not one that’s 1300 pages long, and tossed it back on the shelf, but in this case I just had to.  So if anyone could please tell me what the f*** happens after Mr. Galt bored the living s*** out of me, preferably over drinks and some meaningless sex, I would greatly appreciate it.  Were there any of these?

Meet an Ostomate

The only thing keeping me from meeting the love of my life on this site is the fact that I have not had my colon surgically pulled through my anterior abdominal wall so that feces may exit my body and be collected in an ostomy pouching system.  Otherwise I’d be all in.  I hated to laugh but I couldn’t help it when I read the heading for their latest forum topic:  Taking liquids on planes.

Positive Singles (not positive in a personality sense, but in a “we are positive you have syphilis” sense)

A wise pop star once said “Rah rah ah ah ah, Roma roma ma, Gaga ohh la la.”  Realizing instantly that she was on to something so profound, so fundamentally crucial to the human quest for knowledge of our ever-expanding universe, I continued listening:  “I want your ugly, I want your disease. I want your everything, as long as it’s free.”  Free herpes, of course!  All this time I’ve been paying crack whores with questionable vaginas for unprotected sex, when Lady Gaga (or Gajaa as I like to call her) had the answer the entire time.  At Positive Singles you can get all kinds of infectious diseases, and the best part, it’s free!  All together now, “Rah rah ah ah ah, Roma roma ma, Gaga ohh la la.”

Daily Diapers

I can’t help but feel, I’m sure all the fine folks over at Meet an Ostomate would agree, that adults wearing diapers is like borrowing a paraplegic’s wheelchair for the thrill of it.  Members of this digestively irresponsible community call themselves Adult Babies, or Big Kids.  Could there be anything creepier?  Even after watching Tom Hanks act like a kid in the movie Big gave me nightmares for weeks.  When my mother would wake me she couldn’t tell where the sweat ended and where the urine began.  Perhaps I should have gone to bed wearing a…hey!  Wait a minute!

Warning:  This image is similar to a light bulb; stare at it for too long and it will be burned into your brain long after you’ve looked away.

It also attracts moths.

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Octopush

Click here to view the embedded video.

Octopush, or underwater hockey was invented in Portsmouth, England by diver Alan Blake back in 1954.  Equipped with diving masks, snorkels, fins, swim caps and a glove, players use their “pushers” to push the lead “squid” into the 3-meter “gulleys” on each end of the swimming pool.

Cheese Rolling

There aren’t many foods in this world I would risk breaking every bone in my body to chase down a hill.  For Double Gloucester cheese however, I would make an exception.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The event is a 200-year old tradition, taking place annually at Cooper’s Hill in Brockworth, a small village near Gloucester England.  Due to the amount of injuries sustained over the years, the official event was cancelled in 2010. That did not stop 500 people, locals and cheese-rolling enthusiasts from around the world from showing up anyways, firing up some unofficial cheese races of their own.

Chess Boxing

You know that feeling, when your chess opponent defeats your queen with a stupid pawn, and you wish you could just flip the board and punch them in the face?

Click here to view the embedded video.

To fully understand the subtle intricacies of this brain/brawn hybrid, we can always look to the Wu-tang Clan.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Outhouse Racing

The Holy Crapper, the Wee Wee Tee Pee, the Flamingo Flusher and the Shot and Squat Saloon are so much more than just hilarious nicknames for your dog.  They were the most recent entries to Mackintaw Michigan’s annual winter outhouse race.  The rules are simple:  build an outhouse, mount it on skis, get unbelievably hammered, and run the crap outta those race toilets!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Binocular Soccer

Not an official sport, but it really, really should be. I also feel that not enough referees wear bunny helmets.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Buzkashi

While most countries use objects like pucks or balls for their sports, things are a little more intense in south-central Asia.  Buzkashi, the ancient and national sport of Afghanistan, takes place on horseback, and instead of the friendly ball they use the corpse of a headless goat.

Click here to view the embedded video.

For more decapitated goat action you can watch it here, Rambo style.

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STATS

* Date of Birth: August 14, 1966.
* Hometown: Cleveland, Ohio.
* Height: 5’6”.
* Weight: Approximately 120LBS.
* Bra Size: 36C.
* Waist and Hip Measurements: 22-37. It is estimated that she wears a size 4.
* Highest Level of Education Obtained: Graduated from Bedford High School. She then studied Broadcasting Journalism at Cleveland ’s Cuyahoga Community College but did not stay to earn her degree.
* Titles and Awards: Won the Miss Teen All-American Pageant in 1985; the following year she was the 1st runner-up in the Miss USA Pageant; 1st African American to win an Oscar for Best Actress in the 2001 film Monster’s Ball. Halle has also won many “most beautiful women” titles over the years including People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive.
* This is Interesting: The beautiful actress was named after the Grand Old Halle Building in Cleveland.

Although often remembered for the memorable Halle Berry Swordfish and Halle Berry Monster’s Ball scenes, she has a very interesting past. Back when I was an impressionable 14-year old watching Spike Lee’s fifth film, Jungle Fever, I had no idea the crack head on Samuel L. Jackson’s arm would turn out to be one the hottest actresses working today.  Just in case you didn’t recognize her back then, and just in case you’re in the mood to play an obscure drinking game, watch this clip and take a swig every time the young, talented and full of potential Halle Berry drops an “F” bomb.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The beautiful Berry has come a long way since then, blowing comic book nerds away as the mutant Ororo Munroe aka Storm in the X-Men trilogy; blowing any man with working eyeballs away as Bond girl Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson in Die Another Day; impressing critics by collecting an Emmy and a Golden Globe award for her portrayal of the first African-American women to win an Academy Award in the 1999 HBO biopic Introducing Dorothy Danridge; and ultimately claiming the real title as the first African-American women to win an Academy Award for her role in Monster’s Ball in 2001.  This was a great year for her fans as well, as this was the year she was the first Halle Berry to go topless for the film Swordfish.

Is that a knife in your pocket or are just hap…oh, it is a knife.

Even the best make mistakes, as Halle demonstrated in 2005 when she received the Golden Raspberry Worst Actress Award  for her role as Catwoman.  Being the good sport that she is she accepted the award in person, bringing her Academy Award up with her on stage.

At 43 Halle Berry has been turning heads for nearly three decades, winning Miss Teen All-American in 1985 and Miss Ohio USA in 1986.  That same year she was already breaking grounds as the first African American woman to enter the Miss World pageant, where she would place 6th.  In 1998 Playboy placed her amongst the 100 Sexiest Women of the Century, and she’s been on People’s 50 Most Beautiful People list many times over.

Despite all this, even the gorgeous and the famous struggle with this crazy little thing called love.  With millions of men willing to sell their souls for a chance to escort Miss Berry down the aisle, she chose to marry two who would eventually cheat on her.  How she wasn’t good enough for baseball player David Justice or musician Eric Benet, no living human will ever know.

Everyone thought she finally found “the one” when she hooked up with Gabriel Aubry, a French-Canadian supermodel whom she dated for 5 years, and with whom she had Nahla Ariela Aubry, their beautiful daughter.  But alas, it was not meant to be, two years after little Nahla’s birth the couple parted as friends in April 2010.  This is both bad news and good news:  the bad news is they couldn’t make it work together, the good news is the world’s hottest mom is now single!

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This Ain’t Avatar XXX

It was only a matter of time before the porn industry jumped on the 3D bandwagon, with Hustler completing its production of This Ain’t Avatar XXX, a parody of the James Cameron sci-fi sensation.  Not very creative with their titles, last year they made their own version of J.J.Abrams’ latest edition to the Roddenberry franchise called This Ain’t Star Trek XXX. Hustler’s latest project is the most expensive adult film ever created and will be released this fall on Blu-ray in 3D. It features porn stars in full Na’vi makeup, who will certainly be wrapping more than their pony tails around each other in exotic and erotic locations.

This of course isn’t the first time someone has made an adult version of Cameron’s work, as was the case with 2001’s Titanic Tits.  It’s also not the first film to bring the hot action in 3D.  Earlier this year, James Bone added his third dimension to the film that needed no name change, Octopussy 3D.

Clockwork Orgy

No male pervert is safe with little Alex and her gang of vicious yet sexy ladies roaming the streets.

Click here to view the embedded video.

For all you Stanley Kubrick/70s porno fans out there, be sure to check out 2069: A Sex Odyssey, where “a mission of survival turns into an orgy of interplanetary love.”

Privates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Hole

Not sure if this one even exists, but it made the list for “Jenna Jameson as Johnny Depp”

Whore of the Rings (2001)

Instead of making you invisible while simultaneously drawing the attention of Lord Sauron and his nine ringwraiths, the ring from this flick turns the bearer into an insatiable nymphomaniac and a horrible, horrible actor.  Horny dwarfs and tree blowjobs make Whore of the Rings a hilarious journey into the bumhole of Middle Earth.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Big Lebowski XXX (2010)

Zero creativity on the name, but they get full points for staying as true to the original script as possible.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Edward Penishands (1991)

Easily my favorite porn title, right up there with “Schindler’s Fist”, comes the tale of a young Goth with two giant penises for hands.  A door-to-door dildo saleswoman finds him, recognizes his potential for pleasure and brings him home. His maker certainly had a twisted sense of humour, but had he not died before finishing his ultimate creation, the world would have been extremely bored with Edward Hands Hands.  So while young Edward was terrible at giving haircuts, there were many other ways he could keep the neighborhood ladies giggling.

Porn Wars: Episode I

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the trailer to the sexiest Star Wars parody ever filmed.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It is at this point I would love for you to share some of your favorite Hollywood porn parody titles in the comments section.

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You can be happy or you can be right, amazing!  I very much enjoy a good old fashioned argument, as I am extremely logical, and I like debating topics both parties are passionate about.  But the more my girlfriend and I would butt heads, I was starting to realize that no matter how air tight my argument was, no matter how many facts, dates, previous conversations or witnesses I would bring, she would always bring her emotions: the hot, steamy recipe for disaster.  And in the relationship rock paper scissors game of like, emotions always beat logic.  The harder I tried to prove I was right, the more miserable we both became.

So much energy wasted, when all I had to do was say “you’re right dear, I’m sorry” and countless hours could have been saved.

But I can’t do that.  In the end I think I’d rather be right.  I’m extremely competitive, and it kills me to hand over an argument simply because her feelings might get hurt.  So keeping in mind the whole “you could be happy or you could be right” thing, the following are some tips on how to win more arguments, while keeping the tears and the hurling of objects at a minimum.  Just remember, it’s going to get ugly.  She will cry, and she will say nasty things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand.  These are tricks to lure you to her emotional level, making you angry, causing you to lose your cool and say things that will scar you both for years.  Stay calm.  Remember what a wise, 3-foot muppet once said “anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the dark side.”  If you keep a cool head and stick to your guns, you can win the argument.  She will be pissed, upset, sad and resentful, and she’ll probably withhold sex from you for the next few weeks, making you pissed, upset, sad and resentful, but hey…you’ll be right!

1.  Really try to stay focused on the issues at hand.  It will be tempting to bring up past discussions  but be careful;  women have scary good memories.  They will bring up things you said and did months and years ago, with such Polaroid precision that you won’t even know what to do with yourself.  So if you absolutely must bring up the past, make sure you remember exactly what happened, who said what, what she was wearing, what you were eating, cause if not she’ll eat you alive.

2.  No matter how upset she gets, stay calm and keep telling her you love her.  This might sound counterproductive, but some of these arguments can get pretty intense, and it can start to feel like your significant other doesn’t love you anymore or that things are coming to an end.  Keep arguing, don’t give up in the face of tears, but keep her reassured that you will still be there when the smoke clears.

3.  Never disregard her feelings.  When you sift through the things she’s telling you, which might not make any logical sense, there’s always an emotion at the base of it.  Try not to say things that “You’re being ridiculous” or “That’s just plain insanity!”  Again, if you are calm and relaxed you can see clearly, so instead respond with “Listen, I understand how you feel, but this is what really happened.”

4.  They say “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”  Dale Carnegie’s bestselling book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” describes at length the fact that no one “wins” an argument.  You might be able to prove her wrong when it comes to the facts of case, but in the end don’t ever expect her to say, “Okay honey.  You were right, I was wrong.  I’m sorry.”  This will never happen.  As was mentioned earlier, sometimes it’s better be happy than to be right.  So if you truly want to win an argument, know in your heart that you were right, but tell her “Okay sweetheart, I didn’t realize you felt that way.  I’m sorry.”  It can be very difficult to swallow that pride sometimes, but it’s the quickest path to make up sex around!

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Truth is there have been plenty of gorgeous women who’ve broken the law, and it gives us great pride to present our list of the hottest criminals we wish we could have cuffed ourselves.

Lindsay Lohan

Crime: Two DUIs in 2007.  Multiple probation violations in 2010.

Sentence: 90 days in jail with rehabilitation.

Carmen Electra

Crime: Trying to beat up Dennis Rodman.

Sentence: $2,500 fine and a restraining order.

Yasmine Bleeth

Crime: Cocaine possession and DUI.

Sentence: 100 hours of community service and two years of probation.

Naomi Campbell

Crime: In 2000 she assaulted her assistant with a hotel telephone.  In 2005 she slapped her assistant with a Blackberry. In 2006 she attacked her housekeeper with a jewel-encrusted mobile phone. She beat up a few more people in 2008 and 2009 including her limo driver and a police officer (perhaps waiting for them atop a hunting tree stand armed with cell phones in each hand, ready for grenade launch) and this year she’s being questioned as a possible war criminal, having allegedly accepted a blood diamond from a Liberian Warlord.  When asked about it during an interview with ABC, she assaulted the camera.

Sentence: Hundreds of hours of community service, hundreds of dollars in medical bills, anger management courses, and she is banned from flying with British Airways.

Paris Hilton

Crime: Being disgustingly rich and famous while not contributing a single thing towards the betterment of humankind.  Releasing a lousy sex tape.  Oh, and repeatedly violating her 2006 DUI probation.

Sentence: Probation and a $1,500 fine for the DUI, 45 days in jail for the violations.

Nicole Richie

Crime: Possession of drugs, driving with a suspended license, DUI, and driving her Mercedes onto a freeway exit ramp in the wrong direction.

Sentence: 4 days in jail, of which she served only 82 minutes.

Heather Locklear

Crime: Okay, we’ll give you a hint:  it rhymes with dee you eye.

Sentence: 3 years of probation and $700 fine.

Winona Ryder

Crime: Stealing our hearts in Edward Scissorhands, and stealing $5,500 worth of clothing and accessories from Saks Fifth Avenue department store.

Sentence: Over $10,000 in fines and restitution to Saks, 480 hours of community service, 3 years of probation, and psychological and drug counseling.

Kim Delaney

Crime: You know, if it wasn’t for all these DUIs, there would only be two names on this list!

Sentence: $300 fine, two years of probation.

Mischa Barton

Crime: Arrested for DUI, possession of marijuana and driving without a valid driver’s license.  The drug possession charge was dropped.

Sentence: After paying $10,000 to get out of jail, she was sentenced to community service and a small fine.

Laura Zúñiga

Crime: Finally, a cool crime!  This Mexican model and beauty queen was arrested along with her boyfriend, Ángel Orlando García Urquiza, an alleged leader of  the Juárez Cartel, a Mexican drug cartel. His seven goons were captured by the Mexican military with illegal guns and over $50, 000 in cold hard cash.

Sentence: She was released from a detention center when no evidence could be found linking her to the crimes, but the Miss Mexico crown she had won at a pageant in 2009 was taken away from her.

Debra Jean Beasley( formerly Debra Lafave)

Crime: Showing a 14-year old student the time of his life and welcoming him to the wild world of manhood.  Or as the state of Florida called it, statutory rape.

Sentence: 3 years of house arrest with 7 years of probation.

“You know that 14-year old kid from Florida who had sex with his English teacher?  Well he died this morning…from hi-fiving.”

- Zach Galifiankis

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