You can be happy or you can be right, amazing!  I very much enjoy a good old fashioned argument, as I am extremely logical, and I like debating topics both parties are passionate about.  But the more my girlfriend and I would butt heads, I was starting to realize that no matter how air tight my argument was, no matter how many facts, dates, previous conversations or witnesses I would bring, she would always bring her emotions: the hot, steamy recipe for disaster.  And in the relationship rock paper scissors game of like, emotions always beat logic.  The harder I tried to prove I was right, the more miserable we both became.

So much energy wasted, when all I had to do was say “you’re right dear, I’m sorry” and countless hours could have been saved.

But I can’t do that.  In the end I think I’d rather be right.  I’m extremely competitive, and it kills me to hand over an argument simply because her feelings might get hurt.  So keeping in mind the whole “you could be happy or you could be right” thing, the following are some tips on how to win more arguments, while keeping the tears and the hurling of objects at a minimum.  Just remember, it’s going to get ugly.  She will cry, and she will say nasty things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand.  These are tricks to lure you to her emotional level, making you angry, causing you to lose your cool and say things that will scar you both for years.  Stay calm.  Remember what a wise, 3-foot muppet once said “anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the dark side.”  If you keep a cool head and stick to your guns, you can win the argument.  She will be pissed, upset, sad and resentful, and she’ll probably withhold sex from you for the next few weeks, making you pissed, upset, sad and resentful, but hey…you’ll be right!

1.  Really try to stay focused on the issues at hand.  It will be tempting to bring up past discussions  but be careful;  women have scary good memories.  They will bring up things you said and did months and years ago, with such Polaroid precision that you won’t even know what to do with yourself.  So if you absolutely must bring up the past, make sure you remember exactly what happened, who said what, what she was wearing, what you were eating, cause if not she’ll eat you alive.

2.  No matter how upset she gets, stay calm and keep telling her you love her.  This might sound counterproductive, but some of these arguments can get pretty intense, and it can start to feel like your significant other doesn’t love you anymore or that things are coming to an end.  Keep arguing, don’t give up in the face of tears, but keep her reassured that you will still be there when the smoke clears.

3.  Never disregard her feelings.  When you sift through the things she’s telling you, which might not make any logical sense, there’s always an emotion at the base of it.  Try not to say things that “You’re being ridiculous” or “That’s just plain insanity!”  Again, if you are calm and relaxed you can see clearly, so instead respond with “Listen, I understand how you feel, but this is what really happened.”

4.  They say “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”  Dale Carnegie’s bestselling book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” describes at length the fact that no one “wins” an argument.  You might be able to prove her wrong when it comes to the facts of case, but in the end don’t ever expect her to say, “Okay honey.  You were right, I was wrong.  I’m sorry.”  This will never happen.  As was mentioned earlier, sometimes it’s better be happy than to be right.  So if you truly want to win an argument, know in your heart that you were right, but tell her “Okay sweetheart, I didn’t realize you felt that way.  I’m sorry.”  It can be very difficult to swallow that pride sometimes, but it’s the quickest path to make up sex around!

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Truth is there have been plenty of gorgeous women who’ve broken the law, and it gives us great pride to present our list of the hottest criminals we wish we could have cuffed ourselves.

Lindsay Lohan

Crime: Two DUIs in 2007.  Multiple probation violations in 2010.

Sentence: 90 days in jail with rehabilitation.

Carmen Electra

Crime: Trying to beat up Dennis Rodman.

Sentence: $2,500 fine and a restraining order.

Yasmine Bleeth

Crime: Cocaine possession and DUI.

Sentence: 100 hours of community service and two years of probation.

Naomi Campbell

Crime: In 2000 she assaulted her assistant with a hotel telephone.  In 2005 she slapped her assistant with a Blackberry. In 2006 she attacked her housekeeper with a jewel-encrusted mobile phone. She beat up a few more people in 2008 and 2009 including her limo driver and a police officer (perhaps waiting for them atop a hunting tree stand armed with cell phones in each hand, ready for grenade launch) and this year she’s being questioned as a possible war criminal, having allegedly accepted a blood diamond from a Liberian Warlord.  When asked about it during an interview with ABC, she assaulted the camera.

Sentence: Hundreds of hours of community service, hundreds of dollars in medical bills, anger management courses, and she is banned from flying with British Airways.

Paris Hilton

Crime: Being disgustingly rich and famous while not contributing a single thing towards the betterment of humankind.  Releasing a lousy sex tape.  Oh, and repeatedly violating her 2006 DUI probation.

Sentence: Probation and a $1,500 fine for the DUI, 45 days in jail for the violations.

Nicole Richie

Crime: Possession of drugs, driving with a suspended license, DUI, and driving her Mercedes onto a freeway exit ramp in the wrong direction.

Sentence: 4 days in jail, of which she served only 82 minutes.

Heather Locklear

Crime: Okay, we’ll give you a hint:  it rhymes with dee you eye.

Sentence: 3 years of probation and $700 fine.

Winona Ryder

Crime: Stealing our hearts in Edward Scissorhands, and stealing $5,500 worth of clothing and accessories from Saks Fifth Avenue department store.

Sentence: Over $10,000 in fines and restitution to Saks, 480 hours of community service, 3 years of probation, and psychological and drug counseling.

Kim Delaney

Crime: You know, if it wasn’t for all these DUIs, there would only be two names on this list!

Sentence: $300 fine, two years of probation.

Mischa Barton

Crime: Arrested for DUI, possession of marijuana and driving without a valid driver’s license.  The drug possession charge was dropped.

Sentence: After paying $10,000 to get out of jail, she was sentenced to community service and a small fine.

Laura Zúñiga

Crime: Finally, a cool crime!  This Mexican model and beauty queen was arrested along with her boyfriend, Ángel Orlando García Urquiza, an alleged leader of  the Juárez Cartel, a Mexican drug cartel. His seven goons were captured by the Mexican military with illegal guns and over $50, 000 in cold hard cash.

Sentence: She was released from a detention center when no evidence could be found linking her to the crimes, but the Miss Mexico crown she had won at a pageant in 2009 was taken away from her.

Debra Jean Beasley( formerly Debra Lafave)

Crime: Showing a 14-year old student the time of his life and welcoming him to the wild world of manhood.  Or as the state of Florida called it, statutory rape.

Sentence: 3 years of house arrest with 7 years of probation.

“You know that 14-year old kid from Florida who had sex with his English teacher?  Well he died this morning…from hi-fiving.”

- Zach Galifiankis

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Plus-size women have larger bust-waist-hip measurements than the skinnies, fitting into clothes sized 14 and up.  So for all the men out there who love a little meat on them bones, and for all the ladies who think size 0 is the new 1, may we present 15 of the hottest plus-sized girls on the planet.

Christina Hendricks

When I crammed 3 seasons of Mad Men into my bloodstream over the course of 2 weeks, not only could I not peel my eyes away from the TV every single second Christina Hendricks was on screen, but even when I would close my eyes, her red hair and crazy curves were burned into my brain.

Mia Tyler

Daughter to Aerosmith’s lead man Steven Tyler and actress Cyndria Foxe, Mia is not only a sexy plus-size model, but she’s also clothing designer, actress and producer.  She’s appeared on reality TV shows, has been featured in many magazines, and recently completed her autobiography, Creating Myself.  Love the tats!

Kate Dillon

At age 12, Kate Dillon’s classmates used to jump up and down on the bus chanting “Overweight Kate! Overweight Kate!”  She responded by starving herself over the next 5 years, and only when she was dangerously underweight did she get noticed by the fashion industry.  Realizing she was ruining her health,  Kate started eating again.

Toccara Jones

I don’t often use the words “Dayamn girl!” but in Toccara’s case,  DAYAMN GIRL!  This fashion model from Ohio came in 7th place during season 3 of America’s Next top model, where AOL entertainment voted her as one of the show’s most memorable contestants.

For more Jones junk check out her tribute video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Charlotte Coyle

Oh Charlotte Coyle, the pipes, the pipes are growing.  Hailing from Derry in Northern Ireland, this bodacious beauty was featured in a documentary called Fat Beauty Contest, where she put together Britain’s first beauty contest for plus-size women.

Maggie Brown

More than just a pretty face and a curvalicious body, the Asian-American fashion model who grew up in Hawaii earned a degree in biology no less, allied health, and holds a secondary teaching certificate from Southern Adventist University.  In 2006 Tyra Banks held a “Thick and Sexy Top Model Contest” during the Tyra Banks Show, and Maggie took first place.

Whitney Thompson

Before winning the 10th cycle of America’s Next Top Model, Whitney appeared on the cover of Jacksonville Magazine 4 times in 3 years.  She was also on the cover of Plus Model Magazine in January to kick off 2010.

Barbera Brickner

During a singing contest in Seattle, this size 12 bombshell was approached by one of the judges to be a plus-sized model, to which she flatly refused and left completely offended.  Thankfully for men everywhere, she calmed down and accepted the offer a few weeks later.

Fluvia Lacerda

After eating at a  Brazilian Barbecue restaurant, I was amazed that anyone down there weighs less than a ton.  So much meat, so delicious.  The same can be said for plus sized model Fluvia, which is pretty incredible when you consider the fact that Brazil is the number one country in the world for plastic surgery.  Fortunately she grew up with enough self-esteem to stay natural!

Justine Legault

From Canada with love comes this French femme fatale.  Perfect skin, alluring curves, luscious legs and a beautiful face makes Justine a quadruple threat.

Crystal Renn

Stifler’s mom…err…I mean Jennifer Coolidge

And what plus-sized list would be complete without the world’s greatest MILF?

America Ferrera

In 2007 Time Magazine named her as one of the top artists and entertainers of her time.  That same year she beat out Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Mary-Louise Parker for the Golden Globe Award for best actress on a television series.  Not bad for someone who was picked as the lead role in a show called “Ugly Betty.”

Sara Ramirez

You probably know this spicy senorita best by her role as Callie Torez on Grey’s Anatomy.  The multi-talented Mexian-American actress and singer has appeared on Broadway, where she won a Tony Award for Spamalot, she was the voice of Lammy in the PlayStation game UmJammer Lammy, and she’s played smaller roles on several television shows and movies.

Lizzie Miller

When the photo of this 20-year old model, the one where she was in her birthday suit in Glamour Magazine, with a non-airbrushed or photoshopped tummy roll exposed to the world, the magazine’s website was flooded with emails and comments, all bearing the same message: She’s beautiful!

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“My sports team scored more points than your sports team! I’m so happy, I’m going to throw this garbage can through a Starbucks window!”  The following are 6 instances when hockey fans decided to show their love and appreciation by lighting their own city on fire.  And yes, many of them take place in Montreal.  Sorry again rest of Canada.  We’ll try to keep it down next round.  Alright, we probably won’t.

Montreal Eliminates Pittsburgh – 2010

(I had nothing to do with the song!)

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Detroit Red Wings Wins the Stanley Cup – 2008

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Montreal Canadiens Eliminates the Boston Bruins – 2008

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Colorado Avalanche Wins the Stanley Cup – 2001

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Vancouver Canucks Lose to the New York Rangers in Game 7 for the Stanley Cup – 1994

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Montreal Wins the Stanley Cup – 1993

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If this is what took place after only 7 years of Stanley Cup hunger,  I’m scared to see what will happen to my city if we somehow manage to win the cup this year.  After all, we’ve been starving for 17 years now!

I think I’ll look for somewhere nice and quiet to hide. Hey Ottawa, mind if I sleep over?

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Thanks to advancements in medicine, the dwindling popularity of smoking and a general emphasis on staying as fit and healthy as possible, men now have 77.6 years of life to look forward to.  And as more and more men gear their lives towards early retirement, they potentially gain two extra decades to roam this earth, pockets full of cash and all the time in the world.  They should be careful, however, as many men who retire from their jobs retire from life as well, pulling their plaid pants up to their nipples, complaining that their shuffle board scores are too low, their apple sauce too sweet.

The following is a guide for men on how to remain men after retirement.  Just because you’re older, doesn’t mean you’re too old. Just because you’re weaker, doesn’t mean you’re weak. And just because you no longer have teeth, doesn’t mean you can’t eat steak.  Don’t become the man who retires and suddenly has nothing to do, become the man who retires and doesn’t understand how he ever had time for a job.

Men Who Maintained Their Manhood After Retirement

Aside from the fact that when he was working he was a mechanical engineer, an Air Force Pilot, AND a freaking moon-walking astronaut, there is almost no better example than Buzz Aldrin for men who’ve maintained their manliness well after retirement.  He has since written two autobiographies; he’s appeared on “Dancing With the Stars,” gracing the dance floor with a bombshell who was only born 30 years after he retired; he recorded a rap song featuring Snoop Dog, Quincy Jones, Talib Kweli and Soulja Boy; he played himself on “The Simpsons”; AND (hopefully one day you’ll earn two fully capitalized “ands” in your bio) he punched an annoying filmmaker in the face.

Click here to view the embedded video.

If Buzz Aldrin fails to light the fire under your saddle, take inspiration from men who refused to retire.  Pop “Grand Turino” into the old DVD player and take notes.  Watch Jack Palance’s acceptance speech during the 1992 Academy Awards, where the 73 year-old dropped to the floor (wait for it) to deliver a set of one-armed push ups!  “As far as the two-handed push ups are concerned, you can do those all night! And it doesn’t make a difference whether she’s there or not.”  Rest in peace you tough son of a bitch.

Ways to Maintain Your Manhood After Retirement

The men highlighted above are merely super high-profile examples of what is possible.
The actual nuts and bolts of maintaining your manliness after hanging up your stethoscope, chainsaw (NEVER hang up your chainsaw), laptop – or whatever implement you use to take care of business – aren’t too difficult to manage. The following are just a few ideas to get you started.

Get Your Pilot’s License

“I’m a pilot” is easily one of the manliest sentences in the English language, right up there with “This is where the shark bit me before I punched it.”  In fact, whether you’re in the military or a civilian, a pilot, an aviator or simply working as an aircrew, once you’re in the flying field you can officially call yourself: an Airman.  With no age restriction on learning how to fly, all one needs is plenty of spare time, and a little money to throw around.

According to the Federal Aviation Administration, the first step to becoming a pilot is choosing what you want to fly.  According to me, the second step to becoming a manly pilot is choosing a vehicle made of metal like a plane or a helicopter, as opposed to one made of fabric, like a hand glider or a hot air balloon.  Once you’ve picked your plane and found a school (most airports offer pilot training), you are 35 training hours away from obtaining your private pilot certificate from an FAA-approved school.

So get off the couch and into the cockpit, ‘cause nothing exudes manliness like “Hey honey, wanna fly to New York for dinner?”

Become an Old Ninja

Joint fluidity, tendon flexibility, balance, muscle strength and overall mobility are not only crucial for maintaining a healthy body at any age, but they are qualities which can transform that rickety frame of yours into a lean, teenager-on-your-grass kicking machine.  It’s never too late to learn a martial art, as they all have beginner levels, and you can develop at your own pace.  If you want to avoid the more contact-heavy courses you can gain much strength, flexibility, and peace of mind from arts like Tai Chi, as well as from non-martial art exercises like Yoga.  Don’t think Yoga is manly?  Tell it to Hugh Jackman, the man behind Wolverine.

Don’t Dress Like a Fogie

Women love a well dressed man.  Period.  It doesn’t matter how old you are.  Just because you no longer have to wear your monkey suit from Monday to Friday, doesn’t mean it’s time to go jogging suit shopping.  You should never lose track of what is fashionable and what reeks of old-fart.  When you go clothes shopping, avoid anything with the words “corduroy,” “tweed,” “turtle neck” and “elbow patches”

Learn to Play an Instrument

Traditionally, picking up the guitar or joining a band is a rite of passage that occurs during a man’s youth. Before becoming jaded and having to deal with the day-to-day responsibilities of adult life, many guys cling to the sincere belief that they will one day “make it” in the world of music. Being older and wiser actually puts you in a far better position when it comes to appreciating music and truly enjoying yourself.  You’re more relaxed.  You’ve hopefully already lived your life to its fullest, so you’ll be learning how to play the guitar, the piano, or the drums for the pure joy of it.  It’s easy to feel as if it’s too late to get good at something like the guitar, but look at it this way:  If you practiced for 1 hour everyday for the next year, you could easily play just about any song at a campfire for your grandkids, making you the coolest granddaddy ever. All three of my uncles are approaching retirement and all three of them are still in bands.  They tell me the adrenaline rush from getting up on stage and performing live keeps them feeling young, and that women of all ages love the man who takes the stage and makes them dance.

The time has come to change the stereotype of the retired old grump, watching his golden years slip from his stool at the local donut shop, with that of the wise hardened man with the twinkle in his eye, surfboard under his arm.  Be the grandpa that the grandkids look up to and talk about to their friends.  Have sex stories that need to be censored with a giant blue Viagra pill.  Grab your post retirement life by the horns, literally if you have to, so that when you are finally dead and buried, you’re gravestone will read “He died doing what he loved:  Bullfighting.”

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One of the only scenarios I could imagine where I’d end up in prison is if I got into some sort of street brawl with a hooligan, and I ended up seriously injuring or killing my attacker.  Aside from the weather, there are few things in this world more chaotic than violence.  Someone tries to swing at you, you step aside and throw him into a lamp post, he falls and cracks his skull on the pavement, turning his brain to pudding, and now you’ve got the right to remain silent.    Hopefully an emergency response team arrives in time.  You were trying to defend yourself from a mugger, now you’re defending yourself in a court of law.

Of course when it comes to self-defense I’ve always believed in the expression “Better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.” If your life is being threatened, you need to do whatever it takes to survive, and you can’t have your sharpest instincts about you if your head is all muddled with thoughts of legal ramifications.  However, if you can prove that your attacker encroached on your personal space, to the point where you felt threatened, you will be more justified in how you dealt with them. This is why before any violent encounter you should have already defined what your “limits” are.  In the U.S. if you beat a burglar’s head in with a 9 Iron, all you have say is “they were on my property, and I was defending my family.”  The same applies if you break someone’s arm in three places, you’ll need to prove how “they were in my space, and I was defending my body.”  One example of someone infiltrating your space is someone laying their hands on you or grabbing you in any way.  You should consider this a strike that has already landed, and you should react accordingly.

But on the street you’ll also need to prove that you:

1. Did everything you could to verbally de-escalate the situation.
2. Could not escape and was responding to your attacker’s levels of aggression.
3. Felt that your life was in danger.

The Use of Weapons

All this being said, when is it okay to use a weapon on an attacker, and which weapons are acceptable to carry on your person at all times?  We’ve used this graphic before, but it serves as an effective indicator as to when weapons can come into play without getting you into legal hot water:

Technically anything you can find can turn into a weapon.  As all three Bourne movies have proven you can cause consideral damage to an opponent using a pen, a book, or a magazine, and these of course do not limit you from using your wallet, keys, your cell phone (for calling 9-11 or as a beating tool), or an umbrella to ward off an attacker.

Click here to view the embedded video.

As for actual weapons you are legally allowed to carry, the laws vary from state to state, province to province.  For example in some states it is perfectly acceptable to carry pepper spray, a taser, extendable batons, knives, throwing stars and even a hand gun, as long as you have the appropriate paperwork and authorization to do so.  While in others, knives, tasers, batons and guns are strictly prohibited.

So before you start roaming the streets at night with your shotgun and a pocket full of ninja stars, make sure they’re legal, make sure you’re trained in how to use them, and make sure to only pull out your weapons as a last resort.  Remember, the goal is to survive, not to brutally beat someone into an unrecognizable pulp.  In a world where you can get sued or even go to prison for defending yourself, make sure to define you physical limits, to keep in mind the amount of force needed for every level of aggression, and to know the laws concerning concealed weapons in your neck of the woods.  Once these things are solidified in the back of your mind, you can focus all your attention on the deconstruction of your assailant.

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Well I’m still naïve, but I think you’ll be pleased to know, or at the very least indifferent, that I am no longer in the “zoo without a cage,” the “circus without a tent,” the “diarrhea without a diaper” world known most commonly as “dating.”  Yes my friends, I have somehow convinced a human girl to be in a monogamous relationship with me. By convinced I of course mean “tricked,” and by monogamous I mean “sexually exclusive to one another.” As appreciative as I am, it has been an all-out relationship psychology war.

In my last article I talked about how Facebook and the internet had changed the face of dating, completely eradicating blind dates while giving potential mating partners access to your life in photograph form.  Now that I’m in a fully functioning relationship, I’m discovering a whole new way of screwing things up and getting into trouble with the ladies.  I call it Facebook C***blocking.

The Double Dump

The last relationship I was in ended horribly.  I had to do the hardest thing in the world which is to tell another human being, and not to their email inbox but to their actual face, that I don’t love them anymore and that I want to see other people.  I compare the feeling to what it must be like to drown a puppy, or to throw one off a bridge in Lithuania.  This is a good litmus test to separate those of us with souls from those of us who are zombies.  But nothing prepared me for how tough it would be to end our relationship on Facebook.
Breaking up with a person is one thing, but telling the thousand-plus people between us about it was something else entirely!  I tried simply removing the “status” function completely, but sure enough, the broken heart symbol went out like a virtual Bat-signal, inviting the whole world to swoop onto my wall and inbox with a flood of “Why’s” and “So sorry’s.”
I hate when people say “I can’t believe you guys broke up!  You guys looked so happy in all those photos!”  Well no shit!  When someone takes your picture, what do you do?  Exactly.  You pull your loved one in close and you smile.  That picture only represents a split second in time.  It doesn’t capture the last 6 hours of arguing over why the toilet paper roll should be pull-able from the top and not the bottom.  Besides, it’s kinda hard to look pissed when someone says “cheese.”

But if there’s one thing I’ll give Facebook, you’re never alone during birthdays and breakups.  But changing my relationship status really felt like breaking up with someone twice, or if you will, drowning two puppies.  Like these little guys.

I just wish I had read this before doing anything, taken from an actual FB profile called “Did u know u can change ur relationship status without anyone knowing!?”

If you change your settings, you can make facebook not tell the world that u and ur lover have just ended that relationship of yours….

How u ask??

This is how!!

1) Click on “privacy” in the top right hand corner of any facebook page
2) click on “news feed and mini feed”
3) unclick the box next to “remove my relationship status”
4) click “save changes” at the bottom of the screen
5) break up with ur bf/gf in peace without the world finding out!
6) Change ur relationship status from… (read more)

A wise Jewish wedding singer once said “Information that would have been useful YESTERDAY!!”

Never Again

Since then I vowed to never, EVER post my relationship status on Facebook for the love of sweet Jesus.
Well apparently my vows mean nothing, a fact which should be of concern to the lovely girl whom I am now posted as being “in a relationship” with on Facebook.
Inasmuch as I wanted to keep my previous breakup private, I wanted the world to know that I had learned absolutely nothing.

The following are some basic rules for maintaining a danger-free Facebook profile while in a relationship. They will help the new person in your life feel like they are the only person in your life, and they will hopefully spare you from getting water boarded by jealous partners looking for answers.

Spring Clean Your Profile

Facebook can really screw you when starting a new relationship. More precisely, all the crap you and your pals have posted can screw you.  From the second you add your new love interest to your web of “friends,” expect him or her to sift through your profile with a fine-toothed stalker comb.

So before you click “Add”, make sure to delete all the wall posts discussing that time you were so wasted that you woke up in a recycling bin; remove all those photos with your tongue in people’s ears, in fact, you should remove all photos with any members of the opposite sex in them, as you will be forced to give a detailed history of each and every one them to your new love buddy.

No more Face-flirting

When the cute waitress you used to work with posts photos from her all-inclusive vacation in the Dominican Republic, it is no longer acceptable to tell her how awesome she looks in her floss-kini.

While comments like “Damn girl, you so fine you blow my mind” or “I wish I was your sunscreen lotion right now” might have been cute (they were never cute) when you were single, they are now grounds for getting dropped like that garbage remake of Night Rider.

You should also keep an eye on comments that other people post on your wall.  People have a bad habit of saying the quiet parts loud and the loud parts quiet.  When ex-flings post “hey hot stuff, I’m back in town for the weekend, do you still have those gravity boots and that trampoline?” on your wall instead of your inbox, you’re going to have a lot of explaining to do.  And almost no amount of “Baby that’s over now I swear!” can extinguish the jealousy fire your profile page created.

Along with the spring cleaning mentioned before, it would be a good idea to completely remove all exes, flings and booty calls from your profile while in a relationship, as they can only get you in trouble.  Besides, you can always add them back later if things don’t work out.

Easy on the Cheesy

Now that you’re in love, it’s going to be very tempting to spread cheese on your loved one’s wall.  Status updates like “Carla is floating on cloud 12” or “Bill is wondering how long before the heart-wound from cupid’s arrow becomes infected” are all fine and dandy…at first.  The only problem is that people who aren’t in love HATE hearing about people who are.  And while my general opinion on this matter is f*** them, you should try not to rub your love in their single, lonely, monstrous-amounts-of-alcohol-consuming faces.
Also, there is a Too Much Info meter when it comes to posting messages on each others’ walls.  Stuff like “miss you, xox” or “I had a lamb burger for lunch and thought of you”  are perfectly acceptable displays of PDFA (Public Displays of Facebook Affection).  But stuff like “I can’t properly sit on a chair today” or “Last night was awesome! If CSI showed up at my apt today with a black light, it would look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man exploded!” should be spared from the public consciousness and go straight to the inbox.

Face-time Vs Facebook Time

When people take Facebook way too seriously, the line between quality and quantity time becomes blurred.  I once lived with a girl, who would get upset with me if I didn’t notice the new photos she would post on her Facebook, or respond to the comments she posted on my wall. I LIVED WITH HER!  We would wake up together, spend entire evenings together, and fall asleep together, all the while actually speaking to each other.  This of course does not include the barrage of texts and MSN messages sent back and forth throughout the day.

How many lines of communication need to be open for couples to feel in touch with each other?  Does anyone remember what it was like to be “unavailable?”  I’m sometimes envious of our parent’s generation, who could go to work and be completely unreachable, except of course for emergencies, until they returned home.  Now we need to talk, text, and type to each other through half a dozen mediums to keep ‘em happy.

So please folks, while Facebook is indeed an amazing tool for sharing your life with close friends, keeping in touch with long distance friends, and getting back in touch with old friends, when it comes to relationships, the  time you spend together in person is what really counts.  Don’t get upset over pictures that were taken in the past, but feel free to stare in amazement at pictures taken in the future.  Life’s too short to get into arguments over the social network version of ourselves.  Virtual will never be real.

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Gilardino

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Slap Happy McPappy

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And the Oscar goes to…

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Cheating Pays Off

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Schumacher’s goal more authentic than Alsonso’s fall

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Ronaldo’s Fancy Footwork

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Steven Gerrard Diving Compilation

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Nice Reaction Time

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The Imperial Collapse

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Turns out, the furry animal was a giant Golden Retriever, and the scream was actually the owner calling the dog back.  Now, as much as I’ve fantasized about going toe-to-toe with a wild animal, and which celebrity mask I’d wear after having my face eaten off, I’ve never been more relieved that my bear battle would have to wait another day.

The following is a collection of videos and images from people who weren’t so lucky, and who found themselves at the mercy of the wild (CAUTION:  SOME IMAGES AND VIDEOS ARE BRUTAL AND WILL DISTURB/GROSS OUT THE FAINT OF HEART)

(DON’ T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU!)

(I SWEAR TO GOD IF I READ ONE COMMENT ABOUT HOW GROSSED OUT OR DISTURBED YOU ARE…WELL.. I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING, EXCEPT SWALLOW MY RAGE, ONLY TO LET IT LOOSE ON AN UNSUSPECTING MAILBOX WHEN I’VE DRANK TOO MUCH WHISKEY.  SO FOR THE SAKE OF ALL MAILBOXES, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF)

Elephant Attack

Click here to view the embedded video.

Tiger Attack

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Crocodile Attack

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Killer Whale Attack

This girl is extremely lucky to be alive, especially when you see what killer whales like to do with their prey.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Leopard Attack

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Moose Attack

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Buffalo Attack

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Lion Attack

Not sure why this man was in the same cage as the lion. Right up there with shark water, lion’s cage is one place I ferociously try to avoid being in.  And by ferocious I mean I just don’t go near them.

Bull Attacks…everybody!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Polar Bear Attack

For more gruesome images of this attack which will haunt your soul for 6-8 weeks visit here.  For an image of a bear attack that your soul will never recover from, visit here.

Truth be told I love animals, ALL animals, and as much as I’m proud to have opposable thumbs, a forebrain and an iPhone, I feel guilt over how many animals we’ve needlessly killed, displaced, imprisoned, or trained to ride unicycles through rings of fire.  Which is why whenever I hear of an animal destroying a human, my money, my sympathies and my hi-fives are almost always on the side of the animals.  Sorry humans, but it’s great to see what natural abilities, strength and instincts can do us when we’re not cheating with our “intelligence” and our “weapons.”

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So while I’ve never stepped foot into a casino, participated in sports betting, or placed my kid’s college fund on a horse, I understand the concept of betting the odds.  The only way to win HUGE is when the odds are stacked disgustingly against you.  This is probably why I don’t gamble.  But I’m tired of looking like a deer in headlights whenever people talk about “betting the spread.”  Gamblers on television, in movies, and in real life talk about getting raped by the spread, and it’s time I knew what the hell they were talking about, as opposed to imagining them getting sodomized by a jar of Cheese Whiz.

So I did some research into this whole spread betting thing, (and by research I mean I Googled it), and I’m presenting here spread betting as I understand it: a guide so basic that a 4-year-old can understand it, which may come in handy one day when mommy or daddy lose the house during a game of poker.

The Godfather of Spread

Born in 1903, Charles K. McNeil’s life revolved around numbers, beginning his career as a math teacher at a prep school in Connecticut.  At the outset of the 1930s he went on to become a securities analyst for a bank in Chicago, where he also discovered sports betting at baseball games.  He developed such a keen eye for winning teams that he was able to make a living off his predictions in less than ten years, when he would also finance his own bookmaking operation.  Bored with simply betting on the odds, McNeil decided to spice things up by inventing a new way for bettors to gamble.  Not only could they bet on who would win, but by how much.  Now people had the chance to still win big, even if they bet on the hugely favored team.  The point spread is born.

How the point spread works

Let’s pretend the L.A. Lakers are going head to head with the Cleveland Cavs.  Lebron James is out with swollen lymph nodes, so the bookmakers are predicting a Laker victory with a spread of 22 points.  If you still think the Cavs can pull it off and you bet on the underdog, you’ll win money if:

A) They blow past the Laker’s, wiping that smug grin off Kobe’s face, or…

B) They lose by less than 22 points, in which case they “win against the spread,” and Kobe gets to keep his grin.

But you’ll lose money if the Lakers “cover the spread” and win by more than 22 points.

Now to avoid something called a “push,” whereby the Lakers win by exactly the amount as the spread and no one wins, bookmakers create spreads with half-points to ensure commissions.

Over/Unders

Another popular method for sports betting is betting on whether the total score from both teams is over or under the amount set by the bookmakers.  So if you’re like me and you have no idea which NBA, MLB, KFC, or NFL picks to make, you can just wander in without a clue, see the number 47, slap your wad of cash down boldly declaring “Higher!”

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