One of my biggest fears, is to somehow end up in prison. I have no idea how that could happen, I’m a fairly law abiding citizen, but if it can happen to Martha Stewart, if someone who builds Christmas trees out of pipe cleaners and love gets thrown in the slammer, then what chance do I have?
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For those of you who don’t remember me, which probably includes all of you, I’m the dude who nearly retreated to the safety of the witness relocation program because a girl I was dating cyberstalked the crap out of me. You can read all about how a woman, armed with the left click button of a mouse invaded my space here.
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To be honest I couldn’t decide whether to call these the “best” falls in soccer or the “worst.” They’re the best in terms of how ridiculously fake they are. These players are the “best” at crumbling when anyone comes within a six meter radius of their delicate selves. At the same time they are some of the worst attempts to gain advantage in a sport through cheating. The following clips contain some of the worst acting you’ll ever see, from athletes who are the best at demonstrating how abs of steel do nothing to stop them from wilting like tulip petals. You’ll want a multi-viewer just to judge who’s worse.
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One beautiful summer morning I was upsetting every lazy bone in my body by jogging. “WTF is this?” they all seemed to cry out as I hit the nature trails in Whistler, British Columbia. Aside from year round skiers, snowboarders, and mountain bikers, Whistler shares its forests and mountains with another wild creature: bears. So on this particular morning when I heard a woman’s scream coming from behind me, which was followed by a large brown furry animal rustling in the bushes I was running past, my body was instantly flooded with those wonderful fight or flight chemicals, while my shorts were filled with a variety of other chemicals.
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I’ve never been a gambler. Ever since hearing the Kenny Rodgers song as a kid, I never got over the image of a gambler as a cigarette bum with the audacity to drink your last swallow of whiskey. I didn’t know much, but I knew enough that I didn’t want to grow up like that guy. Nowadays the only gambling I partake in is when I pay $15 for a movie ticket at the theatres. Lately it feels like the odds of paying to watch a Hollywood Suckfest are a depressing 10-1.
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When a national disaster occurs, how soon is too soon before one starts hearing the “cha ching” of the cash register in their heads?
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Hard fouling is a part of basketball, especially during playoffs, but sometimes players can take things too far. This collection of elbows, choke holds and bodyslams goes out to all the football and hockey players who call basketball players “wimpy.” These giants are some of the most ridiculously monstrous athletes around, and if their arm tattoos aren’t enough to prove just how tough they are, then these clips definitely should.
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So my editor approaches me with an exciting new topic for my next article. “Top internet deaths” he tells me, all bright eyed and bushy-tailed. “Kinda morbid don’t you think?” I ask, which is about as close to “please don’t make me write this for the love of god!” as my non-confrontational, cowardly nature will allow. “Are you kidding? It’ll be hilarious.” Of course it will, human roadkill left on the side of the information superhighway; my sides are splitting already.
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Amidst these turbulent economic times, our diets are often at the mercy of our shrunken wallets. We try to make cutbacks at the grocery store, pinching pennies by replacing name brands with no-name brands, ham with spam, and real cheese with spray cheese. But why should our taste buds suffer, just because we can no longer afford to bring home the delicious bacon? Are we to become vegetarians, simply because a head of lettuce is cheaper than the head of a delicious mammal? Heck no! And with summer right around the corner, it would be a damn shame, a DAMN SHAME to watch your barbecue just sitting there, lid closed, without a single flame to make the beef patties go ‘tsssszzzzz.’
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