Highest Five

At 33-years-old, I still feel like a child.  I live in a tiny one-roomed apartment (not a one -bedroom apartment, my apartment is literally one room), I drink myself into oblivion on weekends, and the only food in my fridge right now is rotting lettuce and an empty mustard bottle.  I sleep on a mattress on the floor. The only tools I own are a hammer and a wine opener.  My bank account is empty, my merchant accounts are stagnant.  I own a cat whom I say things to like “who’s my cute little kitty?” and “meow”.  I do not own a car, I do not even own a bicycle, yet I somehow consider myself superior to the “losers” surrounding me on the bus.

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So many of my favourite things on earth are red: Ketchup, little riding hoods, etch a sketches…the list is endless. But at the top of my list is the flowing, fiery hair atop those fair, freckled females known as redheads, or gingers. I suffered my first heart break at the hands of one back in high school. At 12-years old I had already acquired a taste for older women. She was 14. Her name was Corrina Lee. How ‘effin perfect is that? Whenever she passed me in a hallway my insides would turn to pudding, while my pudding would retain its chemical composition. One day I summoned all the courage I could muster, equal parts summoning, equal parts mustering, and I handed her a letter. In it I confessed how “neat” I thought she was and how “cool” it would be if we “could” go out sometime. A few days later she wrote back. All the letter said was “You’re going to die alone.” Okay, actually what it said was “I’m flattered but I already have a boyfriend”, but what it said and how I felt were two, very different things.  I had the perfect gold ring picked out for her and everything!  Okay I was obsessed.   The following is a list of my favorite Corrina Lees of the world, hope you enjoy!

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Bored of all the standard in out, in out, tab A into slot B sex that you’ve been having lately? Well first of all, similar to the way people felt during the recession, you should be grateful for what you’ve got! If any woman is letting you put your disco stick anywhere near her hot pocket, you should be thanking the universe before and after your pants come off. That being said, unless a little spice is added from time to time, sex can get boring. And apparently when it comes to which countries are having the most sex, Canada and the U.S. aren’t even in the top 10, making us more sexually boring than countries like Poland, and Mexico. C’mon people, Poland?!

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There she is.  Sitting all by herself a few tables over. She is possibly the most beautiful girl you’ve seen in months (if you’re living in Montreal kindly convert “months” into “minutes”).  You sip your cappuccino and try to get back into your book, but even Dan Brown does very little to stop you from constantly looking over.  “She’s incredible!” you think to yourself.  Your head swarms with fantasies, you’re gripping the coffee shop table like you’re trying to make juice and every ounce of you is burning to make a move for the love of God.

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It has been about two months now since the breakup.  And similar to that brain-splitting, stomach-churning hangover that causes us to solemnly declare “I am never drinking again!” the day after my 2-year relationship ended I vowed to never open up to a woman for as long as I live.  Once you’ve exposed your heart  all they do is pee all over it, and although this is probably a freaky fetish for some people, complete with website called something like heartpissers.com, I simply can’t take it anymore.

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Some of the most popular sports in the world are based around fairly basic principals. Using a specific part of your body, move a ball to a specific location while stopping opponents and their body parts from doing the same. Sometimes you must use a stick, and sometimes the ball is a puck. However, throw a handful of magic mushrooms into the mix and suddenly the ball is a toilet on skis. The following are some really bizarre sports that really make you wonder “wtf were people smoking when they came up with them?”

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I’ve never been much of a “porn with a plot” kinda guy. I don’t care who “ordered the extra pepperoni” or “needs to get their toilet plunged,” just get on with it already. The “scripts” are so cheese-filled and the “acting” is so brutal that I can’t enjoy the naked stuff. I get so turned off by hearing these people speak that by the time they start doing each other I’ve already zipped up and left the building (which makes things interesting when my roommate comes home to an empty apartment and Nasty Nymphos 7 is playing on the flat screen). The following is a list of films that have gone above and beyond the boring damsel in distress meets Mr. Fix-It porn plots. With actual budgets these productions use makeup, costumes, special effects and hilarious titles to recreate some of your favorite Hollywood films, porno style!

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A good friend of mine and his wife always seem to be completely crazy about each other.  Which I of course find extremely frustrating, as my girlfriend and I seem to always be at each others’ throats.  When I asked him about it he told me the simplest thing, simple and yet it made some of the most sense I’ve ever heard when it comes to relationships and getting along with women. “We used to fight all the time, but then I discovered that you can be happy or you can be right.”

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On a rainy Sunday afternoon, my girlfriend and I decided to pop in a movie. We both wanted to broaden the other’s horizons with a movie we’ve never seen before; I wanted her to see True Romance, she wanted me to see Mean Girls.  Despite my best efforts, trying to win her over by saying things like “Quenten Tarantino, Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Dennis Hopper, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Walken, Bronson Pinchot, Michael Rapaport, Brad Pitt, James Gandolfini, Chris Penn, Tom Sizemore, Gary Oleman as a Rastafarian pimp and Val Kilmer as Elvis,”  she was having none of it.  She accused my movie of “sounding too violent,” which was odd, because if we’re going by titles alone, hers seems like the more violent choice. So we watched Mean Girls, and I have to say it was surprisingly funny! But I also have to say “sad” at the same time.  While True Romance is riddled with crime, the sexy star of Mean Girls is going to jail in real life.   Oh Lindsay!  Why?  Why did you have to get so caught up in the booze and the drugs, destroying your reputation, your future and not to mention that beautiful body of yours? You had so much promise, now there are photos of you looking like Gollum!

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